I was driving to work at my usual autobahn speeds cos I was late. I'm driving down the exit ramp pretty fast when i heard a "pop" sound and the car suddenly skidded. I was good enough to pull out of it and luckily the cars around me were none too close. At that point, I had a pretty good idea that something had happened to my tires but I was too late for work and wasn't in a position to find out.
Drove all the way to work and chucked it to the valet. During my break, they came in to tell me that my rear tire was punctured. At my next break, I went to inspect it and lo and behold, the damned tire was as flat as a pancake. Fantastic.
Thank god for my AAS (Automobile Association) membership - I called the 24 hour roadside assistance service and the guy came at the end of my shift and spent 30 sweaty minutes changing the tires. I can't imagine me doing that in my work getup. Picture a girl in a cocktail dress, wrestling with the car jack and wrench... mind boggling eh? Anyway, I was expecting to have to pay through my nose for the service, but what do you know, it was free! Woo! I knew paying for membership would come in handy one day.
This little incident was amazingly draining even if I didn't do any physical labour. That I will have to go repair the tire and change it back tomorrow is too much to think about. But that's another day's adventure!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Timbre & Monty Python
Had a lovely day off on Monday. Didn't have the car so I took public transport to meet my friend in town for shopping and dinner. A (bitchy) observation that I made on the train and walking around on Orchard Road (main shopping stretch) - there was no eye candy at all; in fact they would not even come up to the average status. Maybe they were all home sleeping off their Christmas excesses...
In any case, met up with my best friend and we proceeded to window shop and look for post Christmas bargains. This is the perfect time to shop cos we will just be in time for Chinese New Year. :)
Eventually went over to Timbre for dinner and drinks, and to catch UBlues. They're a local band, but have kinda been disbanded, because one of the band members had to go back to Australia to retain his PR status. I do know them, so I thought I'd head down to say hi. And Singapore being the small place that it is, my brother actually knows one of the other band member.
It was great. P and I sat there, doing our usual "stoning" before the rest of the party came (Arlene, S, and Daniel). We were so bored, I ran over to Cheers to buy a pack of cards and we started playing Chor Dai Di. Switched to Gin Rummy and I got my ass kicked, cos I hadn't played in a while.
Anyway... the other local musicians started turning up and I reconnected with this guy who used to play at the bar and is currently living in Taiwan / Hong Kong doing music production. We went out for another drink after, and he invited me back to his to watch Monty Python. I'm thinking... woah. It's 2am, I don't think you're really inviting me back to watch DVDs. In any case, I said that we could watch it the next day (cos I am a Monty Python fan - blame it on my British education).
Next day looms, I go to work, nothing from this guy but at 11:30pm as I'm finishing my last set, he sends me an SMS to say he's been waiting for me... Because I'm such a sucker (and also cos I did say we would watch it the next day) I went over and caught 2 episodes. Made sure nothing happened, and drove home at 3am. *sigh* I gotta start exercising my NOs.
That's all that's exciting in my life at the moment. I'm waiting for my invite to the next party!!!
In any case, met up with my best friend and we proceeded to window shop and look for post Christmas bargains. This is the perfect time to shop cos we will just be in time for Chinese New Year. :)
Eventually went over to Timbre for dinner and drinks, and to catch UBlues. They're a local band, but have kinda been disbanded, because one of the band members had to go back to Australia to retain his PR status. I do know them, so I thought I'd head down to say hi. And Singapore being the small place that it is, my brother actually knows one of the other band member.
It was great. P and I sat there, doing our usual "stoning" before the rest of the party came (Arlene, S, and Daniel). We were so bored, I ran over to Cheers to buy a pack of cards and we started playing Chor Dai Di. Switched to Gin Rummy and I got my ass kicked, cos I hadn't played in a while.
Anyway... the other local musicians started turning up and I reconnected with this guy who used to play at the bar and is currently living in Taiwan / Hong Kong doing music production. We went out for another drink after, and he invited me back to his to watch Monty Python. I'm thinking... woah. It's 2am, I don't think you're really inviting me back to watch DVDs. In any case, I said that we could watch it the next day (cos I am a Monty Python fan - blame it on my British education).
Next day looms, I go to work, nothing from this guy but at 11:30pm as I'm finishing my last set, he sends me an SMS to say he's been waiting for me... Because I'm such a sucker (and also cos I did say we would watch it the next day) I went over and caught 2 episodes. Made sure nothing happened, and drove home at 3am. *sigh* I gotta start exercising my NOs.
That's all that's exciting in my life at the moment. I'm waiting for my invite to the next party!!!
Monday, December 26, 2005
Partying and Work Makes Me A Tired Girl!!!
Let's see... I've been out practically every night since Wednesday.
Wednesday 21 Dec: Mambo @ Zouk
Crazy ass crowd - I guess it's the pre-Christmas insanity. We could hardly move, it was so packed. Wasn't up to much, so we bailed early after drinking a few rounds.
Friday 23 Dec: Thumper
As we walked inside to get a drink - we saw two guys starting to push each other around, with their friends holding them back. 2 seconds later, we watched in shock as one of the guys broke free and threw a punch right in the other guy's face. It was so crowded, there could have been a stampede. We were trying to get out of the way, but what does the crowd do? Stand there and watch. Idiots. Anyway, we made it into the VIP room, and got our drinks there.
The Crazy Horse dancers arrived shortly after, and it was hilarious watching the guys trying to chat them up. They were dancing on the poles and boy, can they move. I wanna be able to pole dance like that! It was amazing.
We met a new girl, Arlene, who's a complete laugh. We chatted to her at first just to hear the lovely Scottish accent (which we've missed). Amazingly, for a model, she actually has two nickels to rub between her ears, and we got on so well, we exchanged numbers and promised to hang out soon!
The night goes on, and a group of really crass girls walked in and sat at our table. We politely told them off and they moved over. One of them was this crazy ass girl who insisted on stripping her shorts and exchanging it with one of our friends. Nasty!!! (We really didn't need to see what underwear he was wearing *hyuk hyuk*).
A tray of Sex On The Beach appeared which we then proceeded to down. Thankfully I didn't have the car and so could do the drinks without having to watch my intake. All in all, it was a great night out!
Saturday 24 Dec: Work and House Party
Sadly, I had to stay and do Christmas Eve at work, getting pple into the mood, singing Christmas carols, etc. Stupidest thing was they wanted us to do a countdown to Christmas. That's practically unheard of!!! Was pretty tired and was going to go home to sleep, cos I had to work the next day, but Arlene talked me into going to a house party off Holland Road.
The party was filled with models and the usual party people who want to get into the model's pants. The guys had really hot bods, but after a while, you kinda get inured to it. Aside from the fact that they're really really young (from 18 to 22 I guess). Wonder if they possess any brains between their ears. I shouldn't be so catty, but they're so immature!!!
Had a few slimy guys try to chat me up and get it on with me. One proclaimed that he had yellow fever, as if I would go for him immediately! Another one tried to claim a snog, saying it's Christmas and all. Yeech. He didn't even have any mistletoe as a prop. If he were cute, I might think about it. But nah. Slimy.
Sunday 25 Dec: Work work and work
Yes... I had to work in the afternoon, singing for Christmas brunch at the hotel (which of course, pple didn't bother listening to, they were busy stuffing their faces!). Then again at night at the usual time. I was so tired from the night before. Honestly, I'm never doing it again in the afternoon, not unless they pay me shiteloads. Got my 2nd tip from a guest - another Jap this time and he gave us $100. Woo. The only consolation to a hard 2 days work. Couldn't hack any more partying, I went home and finally got some rest.
Wednesday 21 Dec: Mambo @ Zouk
Crazy ass crowd - I guess it's the pre-Christmas insanity. We could hardly move, it was so packed. Wasn't up to much, so we bailed early after drinking a few rounds.
Friday 23 Dec: Thumper
As we walked inside to get a drink - we saw two guys starting to push each other around, with their friends holding them back. 2 seconds later, we watched in shock as one of the guys broke free and threw a punch right in the other guy's face. It was so crowded, there could have been a stampede. We were trying to get out of the way, but what does the crowd do? Stand there and watch. Idiots. Anyway, we made it into the VIP room, and got our drinks there.
The Crazy Horse dancers arrived shortly after, and it was hilarious watching the guys trying to chat them up. They were dancing on the poles and boy, can they move. I wanna be able to pole dance like that! It was amazing.
We met a new girl, Arlene, who's a complete laugh. We chatted to her at first just to hear the lovely Scottish accent (which we've missed). Amazingly, for a model, she actually has two nickels to rub between her ears, and we got on so well, we exchanged numbers and promised to hang out soon!
The night goes on, and a group of really crass girls walked in and sat at our table. We politely told them off and they moved over. One of them was this crazy ass girl who insisted on stripping her shorts and exchanging it with one of our friends. Nasty!!! (We really didn't need to see what underwear he was wearing *hyuk hyuk*).
A tray of Sex On The Beach appeared which we then proceeded to down. Thankfully I didn't have the car and so could do the drinks without having to watch my intake. All in all, it was a great night out!
Saturday 24 Dec: Work and House Party
Sadly, I had to stay and do Christmas Eve at work, getting pple into the mood, singing Christmas carols, etc. Stupidest thing was they wanted us to do a countdown to Christmas. That's practically unheard of!!! Was pretty tired and was going to go home to sleep, cos I had to work the next day, but Arlene talked me into going to a house party off Holland Road.
The party was filled with models and the usual party people who want to get into the model's pants. The guys had really hot bods, but after a while, you kinda get inured to it. Aside from the fact that they're really really young (from 18 to 22 I guess). Wonder if they possess any brains between their ears. I shouldn't be so catty, but they're so immature!!!
Had a few slimy guys try to chat me up and get it on with me. One proclaimed that he had yellow fever, as if I would go for him immediately! Another one tried to claim a snog, saying it's Christmas and all. Yeech. He didn't even have any mistletoe as a prop. If he were cute, I might think about it. But nah. Slimy.
Sunday 25 Dec: Work work and work
Yes... I had to work in the afternoon, singing for Christmas brunch at the hotel (which of course, pple didn't bother listening to, they were busy stuffing their faces!). Then again at night at the usual time. I was so tired from the night before. Honestly, I'm never doing it again in the afternoon, not unless they pay me shiteloads. Got my 2nd tip from a guest - another Jap this time and he gave us $100. Woo. The only consolation to a hard 2 days work. Couldn't hack any more partying, I went home and finally got some rest.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Marriage and morality are grey
I was just chatting to a friend from the US. He's been dating this girl for the past few months and recently found out that a good friend of his (who's married) had been sleeping with her, prior to her going out with my friend.
Chatting with him, I realised that these issues that used to be black and white are now slightly grey to me. My own code is that I won't sleep with or have an affair with a married man. But morality is not an absolute - it depends on the social mores of the era and the society in question. And who am I to judge other people when I don't know what their story is or if there are extenuating circumstances?
I see and hear about so many different marriages that are 'unconventional'. For example, both spouses have affairs and actually know the other parties, but stay together for the kids. There's even a family whose husband has fathered other kids outside the marriage and the wife is actually okay with it. I don't know if divorce would be better (would the kids be warped in such a household?) but if it works for them, that's great.
So then, what constitutes morality? Or I guess my question really is more, where does one draw the line? It's a slippery slope once you've crossed a boundary. Say previously you would not think of even going out with a guy who's with someone else. But then, you think about it and say, well, they're not married, and it's his choice, so why not? Then you end up sleeping with him. If it's okay to sleep with someone even though they have a girlfriend / boyfriend, then what's to stop you from sleeping with married people (oh, their marriage is not working anyway)?
With the erosion of one boundary, it's so easy to rationalise and erode another. It's like starting with stealing $10 from a friend, then you easily do it again, increase the amount, and eventually rob a bank. Where do you stop? And what constitutes extenuating circumstances? I stole the $10 because I needed it to feed my starving family is okay, but I stole $10 because it was fun, or because I needed a drug fix is not?
While we may have our own set of principles or morals, these morals can eventually be broken down, subverted and even perverted. There may be circumstances or other factors that need to be taken into account too. But I think the main point is that we have to be aware of this slippery slope and hold on to some principle or ethics or surely we will be lost, with no compass or baseline to assess ourselves.
Chatting with him, I realised that these issues that used to be black and white are now slightly grey to me. My own code is that I won't sleep with or have an affair with a married man. But morality is not an absolute - it depends on the social mores of the era and the society in question. And who am I to judge other people when I don't know what their story is or if there are extenuating circumstances?
I see and hear about so many different marriages that are 'unconventional'. For example, both spouses have affairs and actually know the other parties, but stay together for the kids. There's even a family whose husband has fathered other kids outside the marriage and the wife is actually okay with it. I don't know if divorce would be better (would the kids be warped in such a household?) but if it works for them, that's great.
So then, what constitutes morality? Or I guess my question really is more, where does one draw the line? It's a slippery slope once you've crossed a boundary. Say previously you would not think of even going out with a guy who's with someone else. But then, you think about it and say, well, they're not married, and it's his choice, so why not? Then you end up sleeping with him. If it's okay to sleep with someone even though they have a girlfriend / boyfriend, then what's to stop you from sleeping with married people (oh, their marriage is not working anyway)?
With the erosion of one boundary, it's so easy to rationalise and erode another. It's like starting with stealing $10 from a friend, then you easily do it again, increase the amount, and eventually rob a bank. Where do you stop? And what constitutes extenuating circumstances? I stole the $10 because I needed it to feed my starving family is okay, but I stole $10 because it was fun, or because I needed a drug fix is not?
While we may have our own set of principles or morals, these morals can eventually be broken down, subverted and even perverted. There may be circumstances or other factors that need to be taken into account too. But I think the main point is that we have to be aware of this slippery slope and hold on to some principle or ethics or surely we will be lost, with no compass or baseline to assess ourselves.
And The Oscar Goes To...
Me!!!
I'd like to thank my hairdresser, my make up artiste and of course, all my friends out there...
(If you're wondering if I've lost my marbles, read the post on All Men Are Bastards)
I'd prepped well for dinner - made an appointment for a haircut and got my LBD (little black dress) from the dry cleaners and put on my war paint.
I got there and they were sitting next to each other, though not touching or holding hands. I honestly couldn't tell if they're at the just dating phase or going out phase. In any case, I'm sure they didn't want an awkward situation so they probably avoided any show of affection.
I was my usual self - sunny, chirpy and without a care in the world. As if nothing had ever happened. I'd told myself that I would be civil and talk to them if the talked to me. And I did talk to her. He didn't say a word. In fact, he still couldn't look me in the eye. I wonder why. Hah.
The funny thing though, is that she is just like me, personality wise. (and not to sound bitchy, not as cute). Stating that we're very different people as a reason to break up is then extremely lame. I can't help but wonder if she's a replacement cos he can't have me, or if he's just attracted to our types of personalities. Saying that, I don't even know if they are going out or not, or just 'dating'. Somehow if it's the former, I find it a lot harder to swallow.
My therapy for this week is to look myself in the mirror and repeat 10 times "I'm better off without him cos I deserve better than that!" (or similar variation). If I tell myself that long enough, I will finally believe it!
I'd like to thank my hairdresser, my make up artiste and of course, all my friends out there...
(If you're wondering if I've lost my marbles, read the post on All Men Are Bastards)
I'd prepped well for dinner - made an appointment for a haircut and got my LBD (little black dress) from the dry cleaners and put on my war paint.
I got there and they were sitting next to each other, though not touching or holding hands. I honestly couldn't tell if they're at the just dating phase or going out phase. In any case, I'm sure they didn't want an awkward situation so they probably avoided any show of affection.
I was my usual self - sunny, chirpy and without a care in the world. As if nothing had ever happened. I'd told myself that I would be civil and talk to them if the talked to me. And I did talk to her. He didn't say a word. In fact, he still couldn't look me in the eye. I wonder why. Hah.
The funny thing though, is that she is just like me, personality wise. (and not to sound bitchy, not as cute). Stating that we're very different people as a reason to break up is then extremely lame. I can't help but wonder if she's a replacement cos he can't have me, or if he's just attracted to our types of personalities. Saying that, I don't even know if they are going out or not, or just 'dating'. Somehow if it's the former, I find it a lot harder to swallow.
My therapy for this week is to look myself in the mirror and repeat 10 times "I'm better off without him cos I deserve better than that!" (or similar variation). If I tell myself that long enough, I will finally believe it!
Monday, December 12, 2005
Rude Recruitment Agent
I got woken up this morning by Paul from Horizon Management Services (SG). I'd sent in my CV for a Comp & Ben Manager position and they were calling me up to chat. Here's the conversation; I'm amazed that this guy even *has* any clients!!!
Me : (sleepy) Hullo?
Paul : Hi, is this a convenient time to talk?
Me : (sleepy but making myself think) Sure
Paul : I see you're applying for the C&B job, can you tell me how many years of experience you've had in that field?
Me : As many years as I have been consulting
Paul : So that's 4 years
Me : Yes
Paul : So what's your last drawn salary?
Me : I'm sorry, I don't think that's relevant to our conversation right now
Paul : My client needs to know what your last drawn salary is
Me : Well, that's still not necessary right now. If your client wants, I'm sure he can find out
Paul : Obviously you're not giving me enough information, fine, thanks, bye. *he hangs up*
Honestly, I have never seen such rude or unprofessional behaviour for someone in the mid level recruitment industry!
1. My last drawn salary is MY own business. Salary is based on the job size, as well as prior qualifications. And should not be a percentage of your previous drawn salary.
2. Even if he didn't want to pursue this any further, he could have been more polite about it. Obviously he has no people skills whatsoever and I'll be amazed if he places anyone. Unless they're desperate.
One company blacklisted in my book.
Me : (sleepy) Hullo?
Paul : Hi, is this a convenient time to talk?
Me : (sleepy but making myself think) Sure
Paul : I see you're applying for the C&B job, can you tell me how many years of experience you've had in that field?
Me : As many years as I have been consulting
Paul : So that's 4 years
Me : Yes
Paul : So what's your last drawn salary?
Me : I'm sorry, I don't think that's relevant to our conversation right now
Paul : My client needs to know what your last drawn salary is
Me : Well, that's still not necessary right now. If your client wants, I'm sure he can find out
Paul : Obviously you're not giving me enough information, fine, thanks, bye. *he hangs up*
Honestly, I have never seen such rude or unprofessional behaviour for someone in the mid level recruitment industry!
1. My last drawn salary is MY own business. Salary is based on the job size, as well as prior qualifications. And should not be a percentage of your previous drawn salary.
2. Even if he didn't want to pursue this any further, he could have been more polite about it. Obviously he has no people skills whatsoever and I'll be amazed if he places anyone. Unless they're desperate.
One company blacklisted in my book.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Another Night Of Insomnia
I guess I should not have had the cup of teh tarik (tea) at midnight.
It was another night of tossing and turning in bed till sunlight poured in. I tried everything in my arsenal - erotic literature, Cocteau Twins lullaby CD (Milk & Kisses), reading dull history books, even running through my entire collection of Emily Dickinson poems. Sadly nothing worked. Instead, my mind started spouting these weird words that evolved itself into a poem / song of sorts. I guess it decided that it might as well be put to good use since it's functioning.
This is what I came up with at 5 this morning:
What is this malady
I cannot seem to shake
Searching for a remedy
But I still want the cake
What madness, what insanity
That drives me to these depths
My mind splits to infinity
And runs on different tracks
Time is shirking its duty
It just won't let me heal
Cos the wounds just keep reopening
Like scabs I have to peel
I hold on to Despair
As it were a life line
Giving Loneliness a friend
In this souless husk of mine
I revel in this lowness
My mind and body craven
Seeking crumbs of comfort
Reaching for any haven
Devoid of hope I trudge along
Not knowing what propels me on
Perhaps it's just blind faith
That takes me past another dawn
While I'm at it, I love these lines by Emily Dickinson:
Parting is all we know of heaven
And all we need of hell
It was another night of tossing and turning in bed till sunlight poured in. I tried everything in my arsenal - erotic literature, Cocteau Twins lullaby CD (Milk & Kisses), reading dull history books, even running through my entire collection of Emily Dickinson poems. Sadly nothing worked. Instead, my mind started spouting these weird words that evolved itself into a poem / song of sorts. I guess it decided that it might as well be put to good use since it's functioning.
This is what I came up with at 5 this morning:
What is this malady
I cannot seem to shake
Searching for a remedy
But I still want the cake
What madness, what insanity
That drives me to these depths
My mind splits to infinity
And runs on different tracks
Time is shirking its duty
It just won't let me heal
Cos the wounds just keep reopening
Like scabs I have to peel
I hold on to Despair
As it were a life line
Giving Loneliness a friend
In this souless husk of mine
I revel in this lowness
My mind and body craven
Seeking crumbs of comfort
Reaching for any haven
Devoid of hope I trudge along
Not knowing what propels me on
Perhaps it's just blind faith
That takes me past another dawn
While I'm at it, I love these lines by Emily Dickinson:
Parting is all we know of heaven
And all we need of hell
Friday, December 09, 2005
All Men Are Bastards
I know I know, it's a generalisation and sure there are nice ones out there, but for today (or rather last night), I'm of the opinion that men are bastards.
Bastard No 1: The Ex Boyfriend
I was supposed to go to a mutual friend's birthday do last Friday - and of course the ex was invited too. I was all prepared to go and suddenly, I got a call from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying I had a choice to not come as the Ex had apparently brought a date. And not only that, I knew this person. She had recently started working part time for the ex's company (as do I), and we had chatted about common interests and I had even opened up to her about the break up and all.
Now I know why she was acting so strangely the week before when we were doing an exhibition together. I also know why he was there, helping out more than usual at the exhibition. I feel like such a fool.
He's not allowed to start seeing someone before me! I know that sounds silly, but that's how I feel. Now I also have to wonder if he had broken up with me so that he could see this other person without any guilt. And if he had already been seeing her or was interested in her before we even broke up.
Whatever it is, he's still a bastard for making me doubt myself, the relationship, and most of all my judgement about people (not the best in most cases, I'm can be a little too trusting and naive at times).
I've tried to deal with it in the past week by calling friends, going out, even to the point of getting too drunk and getting naked with a friend (no, nothing happened, thank god!). The sad thing is that somewhere, somehow, I still love him. Despite all the logic, rationale and facts.
What can I do? What I have done I suppose. Present a cheerful face to the world, present a strong front, pretend I'm happier than ever.
We're supposed to have a company first year anniversary dinner for all the part timers next Thursday. I confided to my other friend who lives in Hong Kong and she says that I should go to the dinner, and act as if nothing had happened between me and him and to act like I'm really happy being single. Based on this advice, I had consented to going. If I have to sit through any displays of affection I will probably cry. I'm going to regret going, but what the hell. I have one week to prepare. I'll be a contender for next year's Oscars by the end of the night.
Bastard No 2: The Father
Yes. I'm bitching about my dad online because I have no where else to bitch. He's been a bastard to my mom, cheating on her for years and then finally deciding that he's met his soul mate and left us all for her.
That's all fine and good, if he's happy and all. But the fact is that he's making the rest of us very unhappy. To get my mom to agree to a separation, he promised a lot of things. Namely that he would whittle down the debt that he had incurred in the matrimonial account, and to rebuild the house (because we have many problems such as leaking roofs, termites, bad electrical wiring). It's been 2 years since the separation and none of that has happened. Worse, he's dipped further into the account.
I call him up as my mom's upset at him for not spending time on the house plans, and ask him to spend time with us and see it from her point of view. He then proceeds to yell at me, telling me his "Woe Is Me" story, about how hard he has to slog and how we are taking every penny from him.
I was this close to telling him to stick it.
I hung up on him cos I couldn't deal with it (I had to go to work). I'd heard the story a million times before and I didn't need a bloody repeat. Plus if I had said anything, it would have been pretty ugly. And whatever it is, I think one of us needs to be a 'good cop' in the routine. After all, he's my dad, and he needs to have some pride. But I've had it up to here with his nonsense. I've run out of sympathy for him and his so called plight.
Ultimately, it was his choice. He chose to cheat, he chose to incur debts to give gifts to his mistresses and girlfriends, while his wife tried to save and not spend so much. His choice to go off with someone else, to work for a different company, to try for different challenges. His choice to promise things so that he would get a separation. So why are we paying for his mistakes?
Of course, the situation could be worse. But when I look at my friend's parents and see some semblance of normality, and when I see how their fathers are still there for them, I wish it were the same with mine. Instead, it's more like my brother and I being the adults in this 4 person tragi-comedy and my parents the little kids tussling.
Bastard No 1: The Ex Boyfriend
I was supposed to go to a mutual friend's birthday do last Friday - and of course the ex was invited too. I was all prepared to go and suddenly, I got a call from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying I had a choice to not come as the Ex had apparently brought a date. And not only that, I knew this person. She had recently started working part time for the ex's company (as do I), and we had chatted about common interests and I had even opened up to her about the break up and all.
Now I know why she was acting so strangely the week before when we were doing an exhibition together. I also know why he was there, helping out more than usual at the exhibition. I feel like such a fool.
He's not allowed to start seeing someone before me! I know that sounds silly, but that's how I feel. Now I also have to wonder if he had broken up with me so that he could see this other person without any guilt. And if he had already been seeing her or was interested in her before we even broke up.
Whatever it is, he's still a bastard for making me doubt myself, the relationship, and most of all my judgement about people (not the best in most cases, I'm can be a little too trusting and naive at times).
I've tried to deal with it in the past week by calling friends, going out, even to the point of getting too drunk and getting naked with a friend (no, nothing happened, thank god!). The sad thing is that somewhere, somehow, I still love him. Despite all the logic, rationale and facts.
What can I do? What I have done I suppose. Present a cheerful face to the world, present a strong front, pretend I'm happier than ever.
We're supposed to have a company first year anniversary dinner for all the part timers next Thursday. I confided to my other friend who lives in Hong Kong and she says that I should go to the dinner, and act as if nothing had happened between me and him and to act like I'm really happy being single. Based on this advice, I had consented to going. If I have to sit through any displays of affection I will probably cry. I'm going to regret going, but what the hell. I have one week to prepare. I'll be a contender for next year's Oscars by the end of the night.
Bastard No 2: The Father
Yes. I'm bitching about my dad online because I have no where else to bitch. He's been a bastard to my mom, cheating on her for years and then finally deciding that he's met his soul mate and left us all for her.
That's all fine and good, if he's happy and all. But the fact is that he's making the rest of us very unhappy. To get my mom to agree to a separation, he promised a lot of things. Namely that he would whittle down the debt that he had incurred in the matrimonial account, and to rebuild the house (because we have many problems such as leaking roofs, termites, bad electrical wiring). It's been 2 years since the separation and none of that has happened. Worse, he's dipped further into the account.
I call him up as my mom's upset at him for not spending time on the house plans, and ask him to spend time with us and see it from her point of view. He then proceeds to yell at me, telling me his "Woe Is Me" story, about how hard he has to slog and how we are taking every penny from him.
I was this close to telling him to stick it.
I hung up on him cos I couldn't deal with it (I had to go to work). I'd heard the story a million times before and I didn't need a bloody repeat. Plus if I had said anything, it would have been pretty ugly. And whatever it is, I think one of us needs to be a 'good cop' in the routine. After all, he's my dad, and he needs to have some pride. But I've had it up to here with his nonsense. I've run out of sympathy for him and his so called plight.
Ultimately, it was his choice. He chose to cheat, he chose to incur debts to give gifts to his mistresses and girlfriends, while his wife tried to save and not spend so much. His choice to go off with someone else, to work for a different company, to try for different challenges. His choice to promise things so that he would get a separation. So why are we paying for his mistakes?
Of course, the situation could be worse. But when I look at my friend's parents and see some semblance of normality, and when I see how their fathers are still there for them, I wish it were the same with mine. Instead, it's more like my brother and I being the adults in this 4 person tragi-comedy and my parents the little kids tussling.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Job Search is Hard
In the pursuit of said Plan B, I have discovered that my job search skills are fairly rusty.
I had flubbed an interview with a prospective employer, because I forgot all about my targetted interview skills / questions. Although I may have subconsciously flubbed it because I didn't want the job. Sounded too much like something that I would actually have to work at. Remembering that I left all the consulting work behind me, I'm planning on a fairly dossy job, one where I can leave work at 5:30pm every day.
Of course, that means that I will have to be picky... but can I really? One of my friends has said that I've been 'out of the market' and that employers could use that to bargain me down, and use that as a reason to not hire me. But I'm not sure that's a valid argument. I've technically (according to my CV) just taken a 4-6 month sabbatical and therefore, should be fine in terms of job prospects.
Spoke to another recruitment firm and they seemed positive but didn't have anything for me as yet. They had one 3 month contract position with a bank, but the job title and the job scope sounds far too administrative. If I wanted to pursue the career thing, it's not going to get me far.
I've also applied to other companies directly, but I have yet to hear from them. I doubt that they would be able to pay me well, but we'll see. I am truly unwilling to take a job with less than $5,000 monthly pay. In the end, if I have to suck it in and take it, I will take *any* job that pays at least that, and sod the job title.
The plan is to start work in Jan 2006. If that's not possible, then I would want to take 1 month off in Feb 2006 to travel around Laos & Vietnam, ending up playing the Bangkok Hat at the end of Feb, then start work in Mar 2006. Of course, I can always go before I leave for the UK / Canada. But the two interim plans are the ideal situations really.
Then I'm thinking, if the plan is just to go away, why not just sod Canada 2007 for now, take the contract job and then save up just enough to go to UK? If I go to the UK, it won't be to take on a 'career' job anyway, so why bother? I guess that's something to think about if I don't get a job by Jan 2006. I know there will be lots of attrition come next Jan / Mar next year cos lots of people I know are dying to get out of their jobs. If I sit and wait, there may be a good chance of getting something lucrative.
We'll see. Now to target all other job search agencies. That's my aim for the week!
I had flubbed an interview with a prospective employer, because I forgot all about my targetted interview skills / questions. Although I may have subconsciously flubbed it because I didn't want the job. Sounded too much like something that I would actually have to work at. Remembering that I left all the consulting work behind me, I'm planning on a fairly dossy job, one where I can leave work at 5:30pm every day.
Of course, that means that I will have to be picky... but can I really? One of my friends has said that I've been 'out of the market' and that employers could use that to bargain me down, and use that as a reason to not hire me. But I'm not sure that's a valid argument. I've technically (according to my CV) just taken a 4-6 month sabbatical and therefore, should be fine in terms of job prospects.
Spoke to another recruitment firm and they seemed positive but didn't have anything for me as yet. They had one 3 month contract position with a bank, but the job title and the job scope sounds far too administrative. If I wanted to pursue the career thing, it's not going to get me far.
I've also applied to other companies directly, but I have yet to hear from them. I doubt that they would be able to pay me well, but we'll see. I am truly unwilling to take a job with less than $5,000 monthly pay. In the end, if I have to suck it in and take it, I will take *any* job that pays at least that, and sod the job title.
The plan is to start work in Jan 2006. If that's not possible, then I would want to take 1 month off in Feb 2006 to travel around Laos & Vietnam, ending up playing the Bangkok Hat at the end of Feb, then start work in Mar 2006. Of course, I can always go before I leave for the UK / Canada. But the two interim plans are the ideal situations really.
Then I'm thinking, if the plan is just to go away, why not just sod Canada 2007 for now, take the contract job and then save up just enough to go to UK? If I go to the UK, it won't be to take on a 'career' job anyway, so why bother? I guess that's something to think about if I don't get a job by Jan 2006. I know there will be lots of attrition come next Jan / Mar next year cos lots of people I know are dying to get out of their jobs. If I sit and wait, there may be a good chance of getting something lucrative.
We'll see. Now to target all other job search agencies. That's my aim for the week!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Dating Advice: Dealing with The Bore
One of the perils of dating is going out with The Bore.
Met this guy at an exhibition and agreed to go out for dinner with him on Friday. First of all, I must state that I wasn't the least attracted to him, but I thought it would be nice meet new people and make new friends. Sadly, that was not enough to save the night. He rattled on about the most inane things and I must deserve a Golden Globe cos he wasn't aware of the glazed look in my eyes.
When he asked if I was seeing anyone, I invented a boyfriend on the spot to put him off. Thankfully, I had made other plans with my friends and used that as an excuse to ditch him at the end of dinner.
It's bad enough that I have to resort to such tactics... Or that I would accept a date with a bore. But sadly, you can't tell if someone is going to be a bore till you go out with them. My advice (and I do follow it closely!) is to have an escape plan built into a date. Get your friends to call you after say 3 hours into the date. If all's going well, you don't have to ditch him/her. If not, you can use that call as an excuse to leave.
This saves you from having to endure any more drivel and of course, preserves his dignity at the same time. (I don't think I'm callous enough to tell him he's a bore straight to his face). He/she should get the hint after you've rejected subsequent attempts to go out on dates with you.
Met this guy at an exhibition and agreed to go out for dinner with him on Friday. First of all, I must state that I wasn't the least attracted to him, but I thought it would be nice meet new people and make new friends. Sadly, that was not enough to save the night. He rattled on about the most inane things and I must deserve a Golden Globe cos he wasn't aware of the glazed look in my eyes.
When he asked if I was seeing anyone, I invented a boyfriend on the spot to put him off. Thankfully, I had made other plans with my friends and used that as an excuse to ditch him at the end of dinner.
It's bad enough that I have to resort to such tactics... Or that I would accept a date with a bore. But sadly, you can't tell if someone is going to be a bore till you go out with them. My advice (and I do follow it closely!) is to have an escape plan built into a date. Get your friends to call you after say 3 hours into the date. If all's going well, you don't have to ditch him/her. If not, you can use that call as an excuse to leave.
This saves you from having to endure any more drivel and of course, preserves his dignity at the same time. (I don't think I'm callous enough to tell him he's a bore straight to his face). He/she should get the hint after you've rejected subsequent attempts to go out on dates with you.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Flu Induced Misery
I have succumbed to the flu bug. Last night I was singing and in the final set was barely croaking in tune to the songs. It felt as if someone was scraping my vocal chords with a dozen sharp knives. Thankfully my pianist was such a sweetie, he saved me by playing long solos and a few instrumentals.
I'm off the hook for the rest of the week - unfortunately I get lots of pay docked for not singing. But what can ya do? Hopefully, my voice has enough time to rest. I've been medicating on NyQuil and DayQuil (hooray for strong drugs!) - that seems to help quell the symptoms but I just want to stay in bed all day. :(
Other miseries to share include having to see the ex at an exhibition. I don't know why, I thought I was completely over it but that just brought on a sudden bout of depression. I let myself have a good cry (get it over and done with) and wrote more soppy lyrics. You will hear it when I put music to words.
I don't think I would be upset if it weren't for the flu bug. There - blame it on that silly virus. It's gotta be good for something after all.
As a sucker for punishment, I am going out for alcoholic drinks with my 'big brother'. I need a stiff one. (By that I mean a stiff drink, you know who you are!!!)
I'm off the hook for the rest of the week - unfortunately I get lots of pay docked for not singing. But what can ya do? Hopefully, my voice has enough time to rest. I've been medicating on NyQuil and DayQuil (hooray for strong drugs!) - that seems to help quell the symptoms but I just want to stay in bed all day. :(
Other miseries to share include having to see the ex at an exhibition. I don't know why, I thought I was completely over it but that just brought on a sudden bout of depression. I let myself have a good cry (get it over and done with) and wrote more soppy lyrics. You will hear it when I put music to words.
I don't think I would be upset if it weren't for the flu bug. There - blame it on that silly virus. It's gotta be good for something after all.
As a sucker for punishment, I am going out for alcoholic drinks with my 'big brother'. I need a stiff one. (By that I mean a stiff drink, you know who you are!!!)
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Fiona Apple
Fiona Apple has done it again - another brilliant album (Extraordinary Machine) with excellent lyrics. This new album apparently has been produced twice over. The version in stores is the one produced by Mike Elizondo. But prior to the store release, some one had leaked a pre-mastered copy, that was supposedly produced by Jon Brion (you can search for downloads). Whichever version you have heard or preferred, the beautiful words of Fiona's heartbreak and angst just strikes a chord in me. (She had written this album after her recent breakup). And so, here's the lyrics from one of my favourite songs from this new album. Pretty much sums up my own feelings too.
Oh Well
What you did to me made me see myself something different
And though I try to talk sense to myself but I just won’t listen
Won’t you go away, turn yourself in
You’re no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself something awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up
The first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back and now it seems
I’ve been out-bidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil with a cryptic word
And leave a love belittled
What a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
Oh well
My other favourites are Tymps (the sick in the head song) and Parting Gift. Go check it out.
Oh Well
What you did to me made me see myself something different
And though I try to talk sense to myself but I just won’t listen
Won’t you go away, turn yourself in
You’re no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself something awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up
The first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back and now it seems
I’ve been out-bidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil with a cryptic word
And leave a love belittled
What a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
Oh well
My other favourites are Tymps (the sick in the head song) and Parting Gift. Go check it out.
Mixed Feelings About Plan B
I could be playing World of Warcraft (WoW) or reading my stock of novels, but I feel in an introspective mood today and have this need to pen some of my thoughts.
Singing
I got a call from a fairly well known local singer today, she said she would come down to listen to me, give a little support and all. Of course through all the musings of Plan B, I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing by ditching the singing thing so early in the game. The past month has been good training for me. I've been forced to learn new songs, cos I'm sick of singing the same thing all the time. And I'm mortified every time someone asks me for a request and I don't know it (or rather, I haven't memorised the words!).
But I've recognised that I enjoy attention but I don't quite know how to generate that stage presence. Maybe it's just the place that I'm singing in - it doesn't quite inspire me to want to bother sometimes. And sometimes, it's a pain playing with just the piano accompaniment. It gets stale and boring and the pianist is rather lazy too - he's just doing it as a job, and I don't feel the love of music from him. I think I've been spoiled, cos up to now, I've played with pretty talented and dedicated musicians!
Am I throwing in the towel too soon? After all this is the first full time gig I got. I didn't expect it to be a bed of roses and I know I have to pay my dues so to speak. But is this really the best way to go? Am I good enough or will I always be second rate or relegated to be anonymous and sing at hotel lounges where no one really listens? Even if I made it to a recording, would it be a back shelf type CD? My family seems to think I should only do this for 1-2 years and in that sentiment, it's almost as if they expect me to not make it. My friends are nothing but supportive but I'm not sure if that's their honest opinion or just them being friends and giving the necessary support. I need an honest (industry) opinion about my options here and the feasibility of going on.
Moving Away
I'm excited about the thought of starting fresh. New everything, real independence and all. In a sense, it is a form of escapism. Forget the complications of family, ex-es, and whatever other shit I feel I need to leave behind. Naturally, the question comes about: Am I really doing the right thing?
Reasons for moving
Singing
I got a call from a fairly well known local singer today, she said she would come down to listen to me, give a little support and all. Of course through all the musings of Plan B, I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing by ditching the singing thing so early in the game. The past month has been good training for me. I've been forced to learn new songs, cos I'm sick of singing the same thing all the time. And I'm mortified every time someone asks me for a request and I don't know it (or rather, I haven't memorised the words!).
But I've recognised that I enjoy attention but I don't quite know how to generate that stage presence. Maybe it's just the place that I'm singing in - it doesn't quite inspire me to want to bother sometimes. And sometimes, it's a pain playing with just the piano accompaniment. It gets stale and boring and the pianist is rather lazy too - he's just doing it as a job, and I don't feel the love of music from him. I think I've been spoiled, cos up to now, I've played with pretty talented and dedicated musicians!
Am I throwing in the towel too soon? After all this is the first full time gig I got. I didn't expect it to be a bed of roses and I know I have to pay my dues so to speak. But is this really the best way to go? Am I good enough or will I always be second rate or relegated to be anonymous and sing at hotel lounges where no one really listens? Even if I made it to a recording, would it be a back shelf type CD? My family seems to think I should only do this for 1-2 years and in that sentiment, it's almost as if they expect me to not make it. My friends are nothing but supportive but I'm not sure if that's their honest opinion or just them being friends and giving the necessary support. I need an honest (industry) opinion about my options here and the feasibility of going on.
Moving Away
I'm excited about the thought of starting fresh. New everything, real independence and all. In a sense, it is a form of escapism. Forget the complications of family, ex-es, and whatever other shit I feel I need to leave behind. Naturally, the question comes about: Am I really doing the right thing?
Reasons for moving
- I feel stifled here and want to be in a place where there are more possibilities
- Feel the need to be independent and step out of my comfort zone. Often feel that with a network of family and friends, it's so easy to take it easy and not strive so hard.
- Feel the need to get away from old hurts and painful associations
- I feel bad about leaving my mom here (but she has my brother to keep her company for now)
- There may be good opportunities in the Arts / Music scene in Singapore, especially with the Integrated Resorts (Casinos) coming. If I leave, I may miss out on being in the forefront of that, and/or miss out on building important networks and connections. Saying that, it will be a while before the IRs will be complete (at least 2 years). So this still remains to be seen. Networks can be quickly built again, the music industry here is pretty small.
- I have a good network and understanding of things here - e.g. if I injure myself, I know where to go to get it fixed. If I need to get ABC, I know where to go to get it. Or I know who to call to get help from.
The reasons for leaving are all about emotions. Emotions are stronger and usually can overcome rational thinking (in my case, it probably is very much true). I'm afraid that I'm not doing it for the right reasons and that even if I leave, I may not solve any of my issues anyway.
So while I have taken the step to find full time employment again, I am doubting whether it's the right tack to take. Friends say just get a job first and then decide later whether you want that or not. Fair enough. That still mandates a choice between singing and getting a job so that I can move. The ideal situation would be of course to have a (dossy) full time job here in Singapore that pays well, and leaves me time to sing about 3-4 nights a week on a regular basis.
Oh well, I have till January to look for something suitable.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Plan B
It's really Plan B, C & D!
In the past 2 weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't want to be in Singapore anymore. I feel cooped up, sheltered and somewhat smothered. I'm confused about who I am, what I really want, where I'm going, and what I'm supposed to do in this lifetime. And I really feel the need to get away from everything, the family, the ex, the "I'm not sure where I'm headed in my life" feeling, and go and find myself. I know, it's a cliche, but I can't think of any other way to put it.
It's great to get paid to do what I like to do, but already within this first month of doing it full time, I've discovered that I don't really like singing to unappreciative audiences. Oh you do get a few who do, and that's always nice - I do try to sing to them. It could be just 'starting out' nerves, where I'm not sure that I'm doing okay. And again, I realise that I'd love to be singing in a bar, where people actually come to hear you sing. Maybe it's the need to be 'famous' or 'appreciated' but there you go.
With all that, I came up with Plan UK 2006 / Canada 2007
Canada 2007
We have to start with Canada 2007. Initially, this started because one of my dreams is to do a ski season, but I know I didn't want to just ski and do nothing, but to really get into the life of someone who works in the ski resorts. Tried looking into working holiday type programmes, but there were none for Singaporeans. Then my friend suggested that I look into applying for Permanent Residency. Looked it up and realised that I do qualify for it, I just lack 1) French certification and 2) Funds for moving (CAD 10,500 or so).
Naturally, one does not know how long I need to wait to get the PR status. It could be anthing from 3 months to 3 years (according to the Canada Immigration website). Hence...
UK 2006
In my desperation to get away, I discovered that the UK's working holiday visa has extended the age limit of holiday makers to 30. Which I will hit soon enough. This gives me a definite timeline to work towards. Therefore, in the interim, I can go live and work in London which was something that I did want to do as well. Not as much as my ski season but I have enough friends living in London that it's not a bad interim option.
Obviously after spending a year dithering around, I don't have much savings left (I'm amazed if the banks will even loan me any more money). After talking to my friends, the fastest way to get it is to go back to a full time job and save like crazy. SG15,000 or so isn't that difficult to save up. So now, I'm looking for a full time job in the one thing that I didn't want to continue doing - HR. Saying that, I'm sure I can find something within the 5-7k a month job. If that happens, I will be outta here in 8 months. I've already contacted several recruitment firms, and I have lined up an interview or two.
There you have it, Plan B. Will it work? Is it enough to get this lazy procrastinator off her arse? Find out more in the next installment...
In the past 2 weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't want to be in Singapore anymore. I feel cooped up, sheltered and somewhat smothered. I'm confused about who I am, what I really want, where I'm going, and what I'm supposed to do in this lifetime. And I really feel the need to get away from everything, the family, the ex, the "I'm not sure where I'm headed in my life" feeling, and go and find myself. I know, it's a cliche, but I can't think of any other way to put it.
It's great to get paid to do what I like to do, but already within this first month of doing it full time, I've discovered that I don't really like singing to unappreciative audiences. Oh you do get a few who do, and that's always nice - I do try to sing to them. It could be just 'starting out' nerves, where I'm not sure that I'm doing okay. And again, I realise that I'd love to be singing in a bar, where people actually come to hear you sing. Maybe it's the need to be 'famous' or 'appreciated' but there you go.
With all that, I came up with Plan UK 2006 / Canada 2007
Canada 2007
We have to start with Canada 2007. Initially, this started because one of my dreams is to do a ski season, but I know I didn't want to just ski and do nothing, but to really get into the life of someone who works in the ski resorts. Tried looking into working holiday type programmes, but there were none for Singaporeans. Then my friend suggested that I look into applying for Permanent Residency. Looked it up and realised that I do qualify for it, I just lack 1) French certification and 2) Funds for moving (CAD 10,500 or so).
Naturally, one does not know how long I need to wait to get the PR status. It could be anthing from 3 months to 3 years (according to the Canada Immigration website). Hence...
UK 2006
In my desperation to get away, I discovered that the UK's working holiday visa has extended the age limit of holiday makers to 30. Which I will hit soon enough. This gives me a definite timeline to work towards. Therefore, in the interim, I can go live and work in London which was something that I did want to do as well. Not as much as my ski season but I have enough friends living in London that it's not a bad interim option.
Obviously after spending a year dithering around, I don't have much savings left (I'm amazed if the banks will even loan me any more money). After talking to my friends, the fastest way to get it is to go back to a full time job and save like crazy. SG15,000 or so isn't that difficult to save up. So now, I'm looking for a full time job in the one thing that I didn't want to continue doing - HR. Saying that, I'm sure I can find something within the 5-7k a month job. If that happens, I will be outta here in 8 months. I've already contacted several recruitment firms, and I have lined up an interview or two.
There you have it, Plan B. Will it work? Is it enough to get this lazy procrastinator off her arse? Find out more in the next installment...
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Weekend in KL
We had a pretty exciting start to our weekend up in KL. I went with Pastry, and 2 other girl friends. Unfortunately, getting Pastry out of his place was an adventure in itself. His phone was turned off and security was tight. After pleading with the higher powers (aka the cleaners), I managed to get into his place and rouse him out of bed. Obviously he had a good night in!!!
In any case, we started the drive up to KL at about 8am. A third into the journey, I got stopped for speeding by the Malaysian police. They wanted 'kopi money' (aka bribes) and my friend tried to bargain it down, but he was pretty insistent. RM50 was the 'going rate' for Singaporean cars after all. When I handed him the money, he took it furtively. Bloody hypocrite - as if the other officers didn't know and weren't doing the same!!!
After paying the 'fine', I decided that I had a good right to speed - I'd paid for it after all!!! To make up time, I didn't make a pit stop and drove straight on. First time I'd ever done that. Made it to KL in 3.5 hours (about 140-150km/h)!
Most of the weekend was spent eating! We ate from one meal to the next. Nothing was spared. Bak Kut Teh (Pork Rib Soup), Cinnabuns (I used to walk all the way from my office on 31st & 9th to the 42nd Street bus station in NYC to get my Cinnabuns), Assam laksa, penang fried kway teow, and so on. It was fun introducing Pastry to all these dishes. Watching his reaction to Durian ice cream was simply too hilarious.
Of course I taught them how to play 'Chor Dai Di' or 'Big Two' after dinner. It was Pastry's introduction to this old card game and one of the girls had not played it before. For beginners, they seemed to know how to play pretty well. I think I got hustled.
Anyway - left the girls who claimed they were tired, and Pastry and I went out bar hopping. Started at Zouk, moved to Poppy's walked to 12SI and then back to Rum Jungle. Music wasn't bad but the strobe lights were terrible. Also, I guess it would have been better with more of us partying. In any case we stayed out late dancing and didn't get to sleep till 4am. And yes, that's all we did, though not for lack of trying. If I had a colour that weekend, it would be purple.
The next day, the girls let us sleep in and we decided to do a spot of shopping and then drive down to Melaka for tea before driving back to SG. Thought we'd give Pastry a little more to look at than shopping centres. The drive was another adventure. We'd missed the turning to Melaka, but made the next exit. At the toll booths, they told us we could drive to Melaka without turning back onto the highway and we thought - Okay, let's just take the 'small roads'. Unfortunately, they were not well sign-posted. What should have been a quick 20 minute drive turned out to be a 1.5 hour drive to get into Melaka. By this time, yours truly was pretty frustrated and well annoyed. I hate being lost and not knowing where to go especially when there was a 'plan' to follow. We had to stop and ask for directions 3 times and finally a kindly motorcyclist told us to follow him into the Pusat Bandaraya (City Centre).
By the time we got into Melaka, it was time for dinner. I introduced everyone to Ah Lau's, a famous Teochew restaurant and we had a really good dinner there (suckling pig, yam paste, steamed fish, oyster noodles). Unfortunately it was also expensive and being the end of the trip, we had run out of money. Another adventure to go grab some cash (the ATMs nearby didn't accept our cards!!!) but it all turned out okay in the end. Visited a couple more places and then it was time to head back to Singapore.
Driving back was slightly more stressful as it was dark, raining and there were idiots driving on the roads. But I managed to make it back within 2 hours and not get caught for speeding. Hah. That's cos I know where the speed traps were on the way back. They always set up in the same places, to 'get' the Singaporean drivers before they get home.
Reached home at midnight and was too tired to do anything but to flop on my bed and say goodbye to my last free weekend for the next 3 months.
In any case, we started the drive up to KL at about 8am. A third into the journey, I got stopped for speeding by the Malaysian police. They wanted 'kopi money' (aka bribes) and my friend tried to bargain it down, but he was pretty insistent. RM50 was the 'going rate' for Singaporean cars after all. When I handed him the money, he took it furtively. Bloody hypocrite - as if the other officers didn't know and weren't doing the same!!!
After paying the 'fine', I decided that I had a good right to speed - I'd paid for it after all!!! To make up time, I didn't make a pit stop and drove straight on. First time I'd ever done that. Made it to KL in 3.5 hours (about 140-150km/h)!
Most of the weekend was spent eating! We ate from one meal to the next. Nothing was spared. Bak Kut Teh (Pork Rib Soup), Cinnabuns (I used to walk all the way from my office on 31st & 9th to the 42nd Street bus station in NYC to get my Cinnabuns), Assam laksa, penang fried kway teow, and so on. It was fun introducing Pastry to all these dishes. Watching his reaction to Durian ice cream was simply too hilarious.
Of course I taught them how to play 'Chor Dai Di' or 'Big Two' after dinner. It was Pastry's introduction to this old card game and one of the girls had not played it before. For beginners, they seemed to know how to play pretty well. I think I got hustled.
Anyway - left the girls who claimed they were tired, and Pastry and I went out bar hopping. Started at Zouk, moved to Poppy's walked to 12SI and then back to Rum Jungle. Music wasn't bad but the strobe lights were terrible. Also, I guess it would have been better with more of us partying. In any case we stayed out late dancing and didn't get to sleep till 4am. And yes, that's all we did, though not for lack of trying. If I had a colour that weekend, it would be purple.
The next day, the girls let us sleep in and we decided to do a spot of shopping and then drive down to Melaka for tea before driving back to SG. Thought we'd give Pastry a little more to look at than shopping centres. The drive was another adventure. We'd missed the turning to Melaka, but made the next exit. At the toll booths, they told us we could drive to Melaka without turning back onto the highway and we thought - Okay, let's just take the 'small roads'. Unfortunately, they were not well sign-posted. What should have been a quick 20 minute drive turned out to be a 1.5 hour drive to get into Melaka. By this time, yours truly was pretty frustrated and well annoyed. I hate being lost and not knowing where to go especially when there was a 'plan' to follow. We had to stop and ask for directions 3 times and finally a kindly motorcyclist told us to follow him into the Pusat Bandaraya (City Centre).
By the time we got into Melaka, it was time for dinner. I introduced everyone to Ah Lau's, a famous Teochew restaurant and we had a really good dinner there (suckling pig, yam paste, steamed fish, oyster noodles). Unfortunately it was also expensive and being the end of the trip, we had run out of money. Another adventure to go grab some cash (the ATMs nearby didn't accept our cards!!!) but it all turned out okay in the end. Visited a couple more places and then it was time to head back to Singapore.
Driving back was slightly more stressful as it was dark, raining and there were idiots driving on the roads. But I managed to make it back within 2 hours and not get caught for speeding. Hah. That's cos I know where the speed traps were on the way back. They always set up in the same places, to 'get' the Singaporean drivers before they get home.
Reached home at midnight and was too tired to do anything but to flop on my bed and say goodbye to my last free weekend for the next 3 months.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Soulmate Theory
In my search for "The One", I've had quite a few discussions and friendly debates with friends. To date, here are the main theories or hypotheses that we've gathered so far:
I've reproduced a couple of the theories here for those who are too lazy to click on the links:
Our amalgated wisdom of #1, 5 and 6 would fall under this theory. #2 and 3 would fall under the Work-It-Out Theory and #4 is just a statistical statement but may also fall under Work-It-Out.
I guess I subscribe to most of the Soulmate Theory - I'm the eternal optimist eh? Except the point where finding the right person is the most important factor. I'd recognise that effort plays a part as well. But that depends on the last point on whether people can and are willing to 'change' or compromise a little.
There's an almost blind faith that there's someone out there for me and I just have to find the person. Of course there are days when doubts seep in and I wonder - is there really such a thing as a 'soulmate' or 'The One'? What if it's just an ideal that's not real or feasible? Are we asking for too much? Did I read too many romances and subscribe to the 'Hollywood' version of love?
Should we 'settle'? Statistics show that many people marry or settle down with the person they are when they are ready to settle down, not because of any great love story. I know well enough not to look for the idealised / perfect person but is it too much asking for 95% or damn well close enough for me?
A good guy friend pointed this out:
People who believe in soulmates are setting themselves up for disappointment / failure.
When a person's attitude towards love and personal happiness is dependent on finding 'the one', and if it doesn't happen, they are crushed and affects the rest of their self-esteem, etc. He thinks that the concept of 'The One' also precludes them from enjoying the moment and appreciating what they have at the moment.
It's an interesting point of view and I can see where he's coming from but I guess for me, hope springs eternal.
- You have 6 soulmates out there in the world. You just need to find them.
- There are people who are right for you at your current state in life (e.g. someone you might go out with at college may be very different from someone you might fancy while working or when you're 40).
- There are no such thing as a soulmate. You find someone compatible and you work at it.
- Finding someone is a numbers game.
- Finding your soulmate is up to destiny / fate / the higher powers.
- You find love when you least expect it. (high incidences of this happening among my circle of friends)
I've reproduced a couple of the theories here for those who are too lazy to click on the links:
| Soulmate Theory | Work-It-Out Theory |
| There is one (or very few) right person(s) for me. | There are many people with whom I can be happy with. |
| Love is discovered. | Love is built over time. |
| The right person is ideal or close to perfect for me. | Person is not expected to be a perfect fit. |
| Finding the right person is the most important factor in a successful relationship. | Effort is the most important factor. |
| Passion is of great importance. | Passion is relatively unimportant. |
| People are hard to change. | People can change. |
Our amalgated wisdom of #1, 5 and 6 would fall under this theory. #2 and 3 would fall under the Work-It-Out Theory and #4 is just a statistical statement but may also fall under Work-It-Out.
I guess I subscribe to most of the Soulmate Theory - I'm the eternal optimist eh? Except the point where finding the right person is the most important factor. I'd recognise that effort plays a part as well. But that depends on the last point on whether people can and are willing to 'change' or compromise a little.
There's an almost blind faith that there's someone out there for me and I just have to find the person. Of course there are days when doubts seep in and I wonder - is there really such a thing as a 'soulmate' or 'The One'? What if it's just an ideal that's not real or feasible? Are we asking for too much? Did I read too many romances and subscribe to the 'Hollywood' version of love?
Should we 'settle'? Statistics show that many people marry or settle down with the person they are when they are ready to settle down, not because of any great love story. I know well enough not to look for the idealised / perfect person but is it too much asking for 95% or damn well close enough for me?
A good guy friend pointed this out:
People who believe in soulmates are setting themselves up for disappointment / failure.
When a person's attitude towards love and personal happiness is dependent on finding 'the one', and if it doesn't happen, they are crushed and affects the rest of their self-esteem, etc. He thinks that the concept of 'The One' also precludes them from enjoying the moment and appreciating what they have at the moment.
It's an interesting point of view and I can see where he's coming from but I guess for me, hope springs eternal.
New Job & Weekend Trip
Yes! I finally got a 3 month contract, at a good hotel where I will perform 6 nights a week, except for Monday night off. I can't wait - at least it's stable money, which I do need.
It's great news, but that means that all my weekends are gone. Kaput. Thankfully, I don't start till next week, so I have one last weekend before I have to kiss my social life goodbye. So I've planned a weekend trip up to KL with a few friends and Pastry.
Ooh yeah. I get to open up my car, put the metal to the pedal and give the car a good run. I adore driving, and I get to shop, party and spend a weekend with my friends and a gorgeous guy. Definitely looking forward to it!
(It does make up for having to deal with the ex, no?)
It's great news, but that means that all my weekends are gone. Kaput. Thankfully, I don't start till next week, so I have one last weekend before I have to kiss my social life goodbye. So I've planned a weekend trip up to KL with a few friends and Pastry.
Ooh yeah. I get to open up my car, put the metal to the pedal and give the car a good run. I adore driving, and I get to shop, party and spend a weekend with my friends and a gorgeous guy. Definitely looking forward to it!
(It does make up for having to deal with the ex, no?)
Computer Woes - A Bridge Towards Friendship
My laptop went whoosh on me. Yup, it died - or rather, the hard drive crashed or failed to boot up. (I know it sounds geeky, sorry - I probably am, just a tad). I knew it was the hard drive cos it makes this "whirry" sound when it starts up and I didn't hear squat. Panic time. I had not backed up my files recently and my whole life was practically on that damn laptop.
Now if you didn't already know, the ex is a computer whiz. Naturally he was the first one I thought of to go to for help. But me being "Not Ready" to talk to him yet, tried to get around this by calling other people for help. The service centre wanted to charge me $100 just to diagnose the problem. The data recovery centre wanted a minimum of $400 (it could go up to $3,000 they said) to get back my data from the wonky hard disk. No way was I going to pay that without seeing if I could get it done for next to nothing.
At least, nothing except pride and any other feelings that have not yet surfaced.
I thought long and hard about it. I did want to get back in touch and remain friends but our last meeting was pretty awkward. I miss him as a friend, someone to ask advice of, but I didn't want him to get any wrong ideas either. I also didn't know how to react around him. How do you behave around someone who was your lover and closest friend to someone who's not quite that anymore? I roughly knew what I wanted from him as a friend but I didn't know if that was possible or if that was what he wanted as well. To sum it up, I was pretty much clueless.
But I rationalised that this would be a pretty good bridge to make our way back to being friends, which I do want. If it went well, then we would have made our first step in reconnecting. We'd have to learn to connect in a different way, without the emotional / relationship issues coming back in. If it didn't turn out well, then I know that we would never be friends, not the way I'd like to.
After all that rationalisation (and a few chats with friends), I said what the hell, SMSed him and asked for help. I left it open ended so that it didn't sound as if he had to help me. In any case, he came through. My faith in him as a computer whiz was justified. He managed to recover my data for which I am very very grateful.
It was slightly awkward but I think we both unconsciously chose to pretend as if we were good friends and didn't have a past relationship between us. It was pretty much what we used to do, except without the endearments and the emotional stuff that comes with a relationship. It was hard for me, seeing him at his place and it hit me that I can't quite do some things that I used to do (like lie on the bed, sit close to him). At some points when I was reminded of what we had and what I loved about him, I had to bite my lips real hard to keep from crying. But I managed it, and I did it without betraying (I hope) that some part of me inside still hurts. I broke down in the car, but there no one sees it.
In any case, I'm proud of myself. For me, it took a lot of courage to make the first move, ask him for help and more, to meet him at his place. It was about putting my feelings aside. Recognising them, understanding them, but being able to put them aside for that period where I had to deal with the situation at hand. I'm proud of the fact that I used the opportunity, instead of letting it slide. Heaven knows when I would be 'ready' (knowing my procrastinating self). And maybe my courage might have failed me later in the day, or it might be a case of - well, it's been so long, there's no point really. And that would really be a loss, to both of us. We still have lots to give as friends and I don't doubt that the road back to friendship would be awkward and rocky. But we're on the way. And I took that first step.
Okay, now I need a drink.
Now if you didn't already know, the ex is a computer whiz. Naturally he was the first one I thought of to go to for help. But me being "Not Ready" to talk to him yet, tried to get around this by calling other people for help. The service centre wanted to charge me $100 just to diagnose the problem. The data recovery centre wanted a minimum of $400 (it could go up to $3,000 they said) to get back my data from the wonky hard disk. No way was I going to pay that without seeing if I could get it done for next to nothing.
At least, nothing except pride and any other feelings that have not yet surfaced.
I thought long and hard about it. I did want to get back in touch and remain friends but our last meeting was pretty awkward. I miss him as a friend, someone to ask advice of, but I didn't want him to get any wrong ideas either. I also didn't know how to react around him. How do you behave around someone who was your lover and closest friend to someone who's not quite that anymore? I roughly knew what I wanted from him as a friend but I didn't know if that was possible or if that was what he wanted as well. To sum it up, I was pretty much clueless.
But I rationalised that this would be a pretty good bridge to make our way back to being friends, which I do want. If it went well, then we would have made our first step in reconnecting. We'd have to learn to connect in a different way, without the emotional / relationship issues coming back in. If it didn't turn out well, then I know that we would never be friends, not the way I'd like to.
After all that rationalisation (and a few chats with friends), I said what the hell, SMSed him and asked for help. I left it open ended so that it didn't sound as if he had to help me. In any case, he came through. My faith in him as a computer whiz was justified. He managed to recover my data for which I am very very grateful.
It was slightly awkward but I think we both unconsciously chose to pretend as if we were good friends and didn't have a past relationship between us. It was pretty much what we used to do, except without the endearments and the emotional stuff that comes with a relationship. It was hard for me, seeing him at his place and it hit me that I can't quite do some things that I used to do (like lie on the bed, sit close to him). At some points when I was reminded of what we had and what I loved about him, I had to bite my lips real hard to keep from crying. But I managed it, and I did it without betraying (I hope) that some part of me inside still hurts. I broke down in the car, but there no one sees it.
In any case, I'm proud of myself. For me, it took a lot of courage to make the first move, ask him for help and more, to meet him at his place. It was about putting my feelings aside. Recognising them, understanding them, but being able to put them aside for that period where I had to deal with the situation at hand. I'm proud of the fact that I used the opportunity, instead of letting it slide. Heaven knows when I would be 'ready' (knowing my procrastinating self). And maybe my courage might have failed me later in the day, or it might be a case of - well, it's been so long, there's no point really. And that would really be a loss, to both of us. We still have lots to give as friends and I don't doubt that the road back to friendship would be awkward and rocky. But we're on the way. And I took that first step.
Okay, now I need a drink.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Quick thoughts
All of a sudden, I'm thinking about the ex again. Not obsessing over the meeting, but rather thinking of being friends and how I feel as if I've lost a really good friend. I still miss the things we do together and sometimes I think he's still one of the best people to get advice from (when he's with us on earth and listening).
I don't know if I'm ready or not to deal with him as a friend, because comparisons will invariably be made. I don't know how to deal with things like touching and hugging him. What if we get weak? What if either of us misconstrues the other? What if I'm still emotionally attached? If I'm asking this question and having doubts, I probably still am.
Sometimes I think it's silly that these small things are so big. When you look back upon it in a few years time, or if you look upon it from the larger scheme of things, it's not really all that significant at all. I will not let this get me down again. I've spent too much time there, and I know I'm a much better person than this.
Life goes on but I really could use a good friend like him back in my life.
I don't know if I'm ready or not to deal with him as a friend, because comparisons will invariably be made. I don't know how to deal with things like touching and hugging him. What if we get weak? What if either of us misconstrues the other? What if I'm still emotionally attached? If I'm asking this question and having doubts, I probably still am.
Sometimes I think it's silly that these small things are so big. When you look back upon it in a few years time, or if you look upon it from the larger scheme of things, it's not really all that significant at all. I will not let this get me down again. I've spent too much time there, and I know I'm a much better person than this.
Life goes on but I really could use a good friend like him back in my life.
Friday, September 30, 2005
The Meeting
Well... it finally happened. I met my ex today for the first time in ages, completely by accident. On a Friday night. At Ikea of all places. I looked like shit - in my jeans and ratty shirt, no makeup on either. ARGH.
Why couldn't I have met him when I was with Pastry or at least when I was looking slightly more glamorous?? ARGH.
It was meant to be a quick hit and run at Ikea, running an errand with my best friend (affectionately known as Rabbit). Which is why I didn't bother with my appearances. Who'd have thought that he would be there?!?! I spotted a mutual friend S, and he literally sprang up when I said "Hi". I think I must have had a shocked look on my face and inwardly went "Oh, NO!".
Considering that we hadn't spoken to each other in person or even on the phone since we broke up, it was pretty awkward. I left it to my best friend and S to keep the conversation going. Rabbit says he couldn't look me in the eye; in any case, he and S left quickly after. To think I was considering extending the olive branch, to try to be friends. Rabbit says, What for? He's been a complete bastard to you, so there's no point. Of course I feel differently, but I love her for saying it anyway. Makes me feel better about myself and the whole stupid situation.
Well, what's done is done. I'll try not to obsess too much about it. I've got a date with Pastry tomorrow. And I'm also helping out at the International Beer and Wine Fair - sampling wines during the day and they also promised me a free case of wine for helping out! Woo!!! Sounds like lots of fun - I'm looking forward to that already! No obsessing...
Why couldn't I have met him when I was with Pastry or at least when I was looking slightly more glamorous?? ARGH.
It was meant to be a quick hit and run at Ikea, running an errand with my best friend (affectionately known as Rabbit). Which is why I didn't bother with my appearances. Who'd have thought that he would be there?!?! I spotted a mutual friend S, and he literally sprang up when I said "Hi". I think I must have had a shocked look on my face and inwardly went "Oh, NO!".
Considering that we hadn't spoken to each other in person or even on the phone since we broke up, it was pretty awkward. I left it to my best friend and S to keep the conversation going. Rabbit says he couldn't look me in the eye; in any case, he and S left quickly after. To think I was considering extending the olive branch, to try to be friends. Rabbit says, What for? He's been a complete bastard to you, so there's no point. Of course I feel differently, but I love her for saying it anyway. Makes me feel better about myself and the whole stupid situation.
Well, what's done is done. I'll try not to obsess too much about it. I've got a date with Pastry tomorrow. And I'm also helping out at the International Beer and Wine Fair - sampling wines during the day and they also promised me a free case of wine for helping out! Woo!!! Sounds like lots of fun - I'm looking forward to that already! No obsessing...
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Tardiness & Me
Yes I'm tardy. I.e. Late. As are most Singaporeans. I blame my lack of self control. I blame my parents, who always thought it was okay to leave the house the same time as when the appointment or date is due.
I was late to drinks with my friends and was made to pay for a round of drinks, which I guess I sorely deserve. If only I had more self control, self discipline when it comes to time.
Anyway - met up with SH and Jeff, whom I hadn't seen for a while. They grilled me about Pastry, having heard through the grapevine that I had a new Distraction.
We had a great time comparing stories and stuff, and I grew more blatant and asked Pastry out for supper. Sadly, he didn't take the hint and declined the invitation. His loss I guess. Then I flirted with my good friend. Oh dear. Am I drunk? Guess I'm slightly tipsy. :)
Drove home but the drive was too short. I turned around, went to the airport, but that was still not enough. I turned back to town but there was nothing going on, so I turned around and went back home again. How sad, when we planned to go out to Mambo as Zouk was closing for renovations.
Anyway - I will try to not be as late the next time. Save me some $$$ when it comes to buying rounds.
Off to bed now - good night guys!
I was late to drinks with my friends and was made to pay for a round of drinks, which I guess I sorely deserve. If only I had more self control, self discipline when it comes to time.
Anyway - met up with SH and Jeff, whom I hadn't seen for a while. They grilled me about Pastry, having heard through the grapevine that I had a new Distraction.
We had a great time comparing stories and stuff, and I grew more blatant and asked Pastry out for supper. Sadly, he didn't take the hint and declined the invitation. His loss I guess. Then I flirted with my good friend. Oh dear. Am I drunk? Guess I'm slightly tipsy. :)
Drove home but the drive was too short. I turned around, went to the airport, but that was still not enough. I turned back to town but there was nothing going on, so I turned around and went back home again. How sad, when we planned to go out to Mambo as Zouk was closing for renovations.
Anyway - I will try to not be as late the next time. Save me some $$$ when it comes to buying rounds.
Off to bed now - good night guys!
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Update
It's been exactly one month since my last post and obviously quite a few things have happened. I realise that there's no way to complete the update chronologically, so this is just going to be divvyed up in sections. It won't be short! You have been warned.
Friends
I got to know some friends a little better and I can say that's all good. J and I spent a whole day just relaxing and we just clicked really well. If you're reading this J - thanks for spending all that time with me man. I loved it. We were meant to take up belly dancing class but the studio that we looked at kept calling us 2-3 days before the class is meant to start. I mean, come on - that's way too short a notice! Anyway, I will make my rants be known and if they still continue that, it's time to find a different studio.
Men In My Life (1)
To distract myself earlier in August, I had been actively filling up every meal slot and night time activities, shamelessly asking myself out to friends' parties and organising drinks /dinner at the drop of a hat.
That's where I met this guy, we shall just call him Pastry. One of my good guy friends knew I was down and invited me to a house party. Pastry is an exchange student, someone he met from overseas. He's cute in a very boyish way, but that didn't appeal to me. Mainly because I didn't think of it, secondly because he was younger than me and thirdly because well... I was still getting over the ex. We chatted, I got really drunk that night but no, nothing happened. Did my chaffeuring duties (I was sober by that time), went home and thought nothing of it.
Then the same friend invited me again to another house party, and you guessed it - Pastry was there as well. The host proceeded to throw really good shit down our throats and the conversation was flowing. Before we knew it, we were chucked out of the house, only because the host had to leave early for a weekend trip away. Not knowing where to go, and having chaffeuring duties again, I drove my friends home, Pastry being the last of them I sent home.
Now I'm having a fling with a younger man and it's great! Ex-boyfriend? Who's that? *big grin* I'm having a great time with this new guy and it's simple and wonderful. My friends were right - a "Distraction" is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Admittedly, it's a novelty, going out with someone younger than my brother (although my brother has yet to learn of this fact). Judging from Pastry's mature personality, you could never tell. Anyway... I'm just taking this one date at a time. See where it goes, or not. It doesn't matter - that's what flings are about.
*Mental note to self: DO NOT get emotionally attached - he's only the Rebound Guy!*
Men In My Life (2)
This month must be where I have 'boy toy wanted' written on my forehead or something. The younger men are flocking to me. I invited N to one of my performances as I'd caught one of his. We exchanged a few SMSes before, but anyway, the long and short of it is that he came, we chatted, had a few drinks and after that, he propositioned me.
Nice boost to my ego. I can go "Nyah nyah nyah"! I'm still desirable, and to younger men, no less!
I said no to N though. He wasn't my type; not that Pastry is. Thing is, I'd met him at the same party I'd met Pastry, and so they know each other. Also, there's something in me that can't deal with more than 1 guy at a time. I think I'd probably be known as the Serial Monogamist in the parlance of Sex And The City.
So that's that for now. We'll see how things go with Pastry. :) The thing they say about younger men is very true! *grins from ear to ear*
Career, Business & Finances
Looked at my finances and realised shit, I gotta do something - cos I'm broke as hell and owe the banks money. So it's back to the business (I own a home-based business) and my career in the arts.
Career wise, seeing as I did 2 performances, met up with really cool musicians and am on the way to doing a few more, I'm happy but will need greater sustenance in that area. Think I'll call the bars and agents tomorrow. *sigh*
World of Warcraft
This is the main reason why I haven't been blogging. Yes, that's right. I've been spending all my days AND nights playing this MMOPRG (Massive Multi-player Online Role Playing Game to the uninitiated). It's so addictive! I can and have spent 12 hours straight playing WoW. Even now, I'm itching to get back to the game. The only reason why I'm not is because 1. the servers are down for maintenance and well, I felt guilty about neglecting my blog.
If you're reading this and you play WoW, please send tell to Xyleria or Mirye on the Scarlet Crusade server.
Concert & The Ex
Stacy Kent was in Singapore for a concert - and of course I had to go. Her vocals were smooth and her phrasing was impeccable as usual. What really blew me away was her voice control. Amazingly crisp and clean. I want voice control like that.
The fun part was that I found out that my ex was going to be there as well. Naturally I got out my full arsenal - in case he spotted me, he would know exactly what he was missing. Of course, by this time, I'd just gotten involved with Pastry and was on the moon. Even better, being depressed made me eat less. Weight loss + new love interest = I looked superb!
He hadn't seen me, being the blur fuck that he is, but I had spotted him and avoided him like the plague cos I wasn't ready to speak to him yet. (I'm still not ready to speak to him even now). Received a lame ass SMS from him after the concert, which was ambiguous as usual. Suffice to say I responded in a manner to let him know that I wasn't ready to be friends yet.
He's away for the moment; maybe I'll talk to him when he gets back. If I feel like it. We'll see.
In case you're wondering why and haven't read my earlier posts, I'd like to remain friends with my ex. I'm friends with most, if not all of my ex-es.
Friends
I got to know some friends a little better and I can say that's all good. J and I spent a whole day just relaxing and we just clicked really well. If you're reading this J - thanks for spending all that time with me man. I loved it. We were meant to take up belly dancing class but the studio that we looked at kept calling us 2-3 days before the class is meant to start. I mean, come on - that's way too short a notice! Anyway, I will make my rants be known and if they still continue that, it's time to find a different studio.
Men In My Life (1)
To distract myself earlier in August, I had been actively filling up every meal slot and night time activities, shamelessly asking myself out to friends' parties and organising drinks /dinner at the drop of a hat.
That's where I met this guy, we shall just call him Pastry. One of my good guy friends knew I was down and invited me to a house party. Pastry is an exchange student, someone he met from overseas. He's cute in a very boyish way, but that didn't appeal to me. Mainly because I didn't think of it, secondly because he was younger than me and thirdly because well... I was still getting over the ex. We chatted, I got really drunk that night but no, nothing happened. Did my chaffeuring duties (I was sober by that time), went home and thought nothing of it.
Then the same friend invited me again to another house party, and you guessed it - Pastry was there as well. The host proceeded to throw really good shit down our throats and the conversation was flowing. Before we knew it, we were chucked out of the house, only because the host had to leave early for a weekend trip away. Not knowing where to go, and having chaffeuring duties again, I drove my friends home, Pastry being the last of them I sent home.
Now I'm having a fling with a younger man and it's great! Ex-boyfriend? Who's that? *big grin* I'm having a great time with this new guy and it's simple and wonderful. My friends were right - a "Distraction" is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Admittedly, it's a novelty, going out with someone younger than my brother (although my brother has yet to learn of this fact). Judging from Pastry's mature personality, you could never tell. Anyway... I'm just taking this one date at a time. See where it goes, or not. It doesn't matter - that's what flings are about.
*Mental note to self: DO NOT get emotionally attached - he's only the Rebound Guy!*
Men In My Life (2)
This month must be where I have 'boy toy wanted' written on my forehead or something. The younger men are flocking to me. I invited N to one of my performances as I'd caught one of his. We exchanged a few SMSes before, but anyway, the long and short of it is that he came, we chatted, had a few drinks and after that, he propositioned me.
Nice boost to my ego. I can go "Nyah nyah nyah"! I'm still desirable, and to younger men, no less!
I said no to N though. He wasn't my type; not that Pastry is. Thing is, I'd met him at the same party I'd met Pastry, and so they know each other. Also, there's something in me that can't deal with more than 1 guy at a time. I think I'd probably be known as the Serial Monogamist in the parlance of Sex And The City.
So that's that for now. We'll see how things go with Pastry. :) The thing they say about younger men is very true! *grins from ear to ear*
Career, Business & Finances
Looked at my finances and realised shit, I gotta do something - cos I'm broke as hell and owe the banks money. So it's back to the business (I own a home-based business) and my career in the arts.
Career wise, seeing as I did 2 performances, met up with really cool musicians and am on the way to doing a few more, I'm happy but will need greater sustenance in that area. Think I'll call the bars and agents tomorrow. *sigh*
World of Warcraft
This is the main reason why I haven't been blogging. Yes, that's right. I've been spending all my days AND nights playing this MMOPRG (Massive Multi-player Online Role Playing Game to the uninitiated). It's so addictive! I can and have spent 12 hours straight playing WoW. Even now, I'm itching to get back to the game. The only reason why I'm not is because 1. the servers are down for maintenance and well, I felt guilty about neglecting my blog.
If you're reading this and you play WoW, please send tell to Xyleria or Mirye on the Scarlet Crusade server.
Concert & The Ex
Stacy Kent was in Singapore for a concert - and of course I had to go. Her vocals were smooth and her phrasing was impeccable as usual. What really blew me away was her voice control. Amazingly crisp and clean. I want voice control like that.
The fun part was that I found out that my ex was going to be there as well. Naturally I got out my full arsenal - in case he spotted me, he would know exactly what he was missing. Of course, by this time, I'd just gotten involved with Pastry and was on the moon. Even better, being depressed made me eat less. Weight loss + new love interest = I looked superb!
He hadn't seen me, being the blur fuck that he is, but I had spotted him and avoided him like the plague cos I wasn't ready to speak to him yet. (I'm still not ready to speak to him even now). Received a lame ass SMS from him after the concert, which was ambiguous as usual. Suffice to say I responded in a manner to let him know that I wasn't ready to be friends yet.
He's away for the moment; maybe I'll talk to him when he gets back. If I feel like it. We'll see.
In case you're wondering why and haven't read my earlier posts, I'd like to remain friends with my ex. I'm friends with most, if not all of my ex-es.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Doldrums 10 Me 1
It's been a week since my last post and I've been battling the doldrums and blues. So far, depression has scored more than 10 hits on me, and I've only managed 1-2 hits back.
I was hoping that Hong Kong would help me get over him, but the trip only served to remind me of all the things that we used to do and shared and that I missed having (still do). It's been the hardest week of all - I've used up all the "Whys", "Should Haves" and "Could Have Beens" and tortured myself with all these thoughts thru out the week. Just to spread some of it around:
- I should have tried harder to make it work
- I should have accepted the relationship as it is and not try to expect too much
- I'm sorry I didn't appreciate him while he was around
- It could have been so good, why did I rock the boat?
So on and so forth. I have cried everyday this whole week, and my eyes are so sore, they probably need a transplant!
I had a great conversation with Jo (my very good friend from waaay back), and she said the following that helped me to understand all this:
It's a natural grieving period, you're grieving for the end of a good thing. It's like grieving for a loved one who's passed away. It takes time and the emotions will come and go. No one should tell you how you feel and no one can tell you how long you need. You will take as long as you need to get over it. Just let yourself grieve and mourn over what you had. Till you let it all go, you probably won't be able pick up the pieces and move on. If you don't it might come back and bite you a few months or even a year down the road.
Paraphrased, more or less. And that's helped me a lot. Most of my friends are "Forget about him, he's not worth it", "You deserve so much better", "He's not good enough for you". But that doesn't matter cos you still feel what you feel. Obviously, I saw something good in him and we did something for each other or else I would not have gone out with him, much less for 2 years! Dealing with my feelings as something natural, and not feeling like I'm an idiot for feeling the way I do has helped to calm me down. I embrace the emotions, let it take me where I want to go and then when I'm done, just let it go.
Part of it is that I am at a crossroads in life and there's a huge amount of uncertainty right now. Being self-employed, trying to hack it in the music industry, figuring out where my next paycheck is coming from, figuring if this is what I really want - it's not easy at all. He was the one constant that I had and someone or something that I thought I could count on. That it's suddently been taken away, there's this huge void and everything is now uncertain. It's a massive upheaval and adds to the confusion that already is.
One step towards sanity is to get a mundane no-brainer 9-5 job. That's already on the burner and I'm waiting to hear back from the temp agencies. No doubt I'm way overqualified and will be way underpaid but it gets me out of the house, doing something 'constructive' for 8 hours a day and leave me less time to mope and dwell on things.
Getting different perspectives and take on things also helps. Another good piece of advice I got today was this:
You shouldn't have to compromise on what you want. It wouldn't have worked out if either party has to change their fundamentals to remain in the relationship. You can change a person's little habits or try to tolerate things like snoring or watching football, etc. But you can't change the way someone feels about the fundamental things.
Hearing that, and knowing that in all rationality, there is no way that we were ever meant to be the way we are right now, puts me on the right track to get over it. Maybe not tomorrow; I'll probably still be having a few crying spells here and there, but I know it will come. I must remember to learn from this experience as I have from all my previous relationships and bring all this "wisdom" to the next one (which hopefully will be the last and best one). What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
I hope.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Hong Kong
*Warning: long post*
Spent a week in Hong Kong and spent most of my money in the 1st 3 days. Mwahahahaha. Well, you will understand in a minute. Sadly I don't have have any pictures cos I forgot my camera - I have to go look for it. I sincerely hope it's not with him.
Day 1
Arrived and made my way to Ann's apartment. Nice place in the mid-levels. Grotty outside but the inside was spacious and huge. Met up with her husband for lunch. I was lucky to have my friend to myself for the entire week cos her husbans had to go on a business trip. Anyway, spent most of the day just hanging out in the house, and planning what to do for the rest of my time there.
Stayed in, rented 2 movies - A Very Long Engagement (Audrey Tatou and a very cute Josh Hartnett lookalike, except he speaks French which is doubly sexy - woo!) and the fluffy Mean Girls.
Day 2
Went out to Ocean Park for some thrills and spills cos Disneyland isn't open yet. Sad to say, the rides were all pretty boring, except for the one where you drop free fall 20 storeys. I'm not afraid of heights but I am afraid of falling! Managed to keep my eyes open though. Stayed out till 4pm where there were no more decent rides left and went home. We were so tired and probably was very dehydrated cos we had headaches and took an afternoon nap. We were feeling very lazy so instead of going out salsa dancing as planned, we decided to order in and rent 2 more movies - this time we watched the Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou and Vanity Fair. The 1st I didn't get, but I think it was probably supposed to be a parody of Jacques Cousteau and all (sorry Sharon - I still haven't watched Deep Blue!). Vanity Fair was interesting but very sad, cos at the end Rebecca Sharpe lost the man she truly loved for trying to move upwards in society.
Day 3
This is where I went slightly crazy. Ann took me to Pedder Building, and there were 2 shops there that sold labels at factory prices. I got a gorgeous black BCBG dress (probably last season) for only S$100. Insane! In the end, I think I spent like $700 on clothes from the shops. But I did get about 8 pieces so I think it was very worth it (works out to be about $80-90 per piece). Shopped out we decided to... you guessed it - stay home again and watch telly!
Day 4
Cooked lunch and wound up hanging out and chatting in the apartment. It was too hot outside! Air con was definitely needed. I got some more therapy for the break up, apparently I have been supressing my feelings by going out, and other distractions and suddenly talking about it just made all the emotions come out again, so we had to stay at home and deal with it.
We decided to go out that night and check out the scene at Lam Kwai Fong. Walked around trying to decide which bar to go to (there were tons of bars) and I just picked one (Bar George) where I thought there were cuter guys hanging out. Luckily for us, it was ladies night and drinks were free. Unfortunately for us, there were quite a few 'working girls' there and despite the fun music, we didn't quite like the atmosphere and decided to try other bars. Made it to Club 97 where they were playing reggae and danced there for a while. Drank a few more and then decided to call it a night. :) Enough eye candy for the day.
Day 5
Ann was spotted at Lam Kwai Fong the previous night and was asked to go for a casting call for a TV ad (or TVC in the lingo). I also hadn't had proper dim sum, so we made it to the dim sum place at City Hall for some yum cha. That was really the extent of the day. We were being proper bums and lazed at home, cos we had to be home for the other couple coming to stay at Ann's. Watched more movies (The Sweetest Thing & How to Lose a Guy in 10 days). Matthew McConaughey!!! Woo! He looked sooo cute in that movie - I think I have a case of star fever now!
Day 6
Busy day. Had tons of things to do. The highlight of the day was an 'art jamming' session. We bought a canvas and had access to various brushes, tools and oil paints to do our own painting! Brought a couple of beers with me for inspiration and managed a decent piece. It's still drying in HK, but my friends will bring it back the when they come back. Could be better but overall, pretty happy with my first piece. Ann's the artistic one - hers was very very pretty. Met up with Tina, another friend who lives in Discovery Bay. We all heard about it and I finally made it out there. It's like a residential commune, no cars allowed (except for the buses and golf buggies that ferry pple around).
Made it out to dessert in Lam Kwai Fong - the place was pretty busy (it was a Saturday night, what did you expect?) and we spotted some stars at this new bar illy. Gigi Leung and some others. Don't ask me, I'm not up to scratch on my hong kong stars. Hell, even when J-Lo was standing 10 feet away from me in NYC, someone had to point her out before I went, Oh yeah. That IS J-Lo. I'm kinda blind like that.
Last night in HK but everyone was tired so we headed home and did... you guessed it. I insisted on watching another movie cos I wasn't tired. So we took out Honey and watched it. Boy, now we all are really inspired to do hip hop classes. See how long that desire will last. LOL
Day 7
Managed to pack everything in and woke up in time to catch the plane and now I'm back in sunny SG. *sigh* I wish I had longer to spend in HK. I've brought a lot of emotion back up and it's hard to surpress it again with familiar surroundings. I've had a relapse you might say.
More on that later. Need to go out for grandma's birthday dinner now. And that is why I couldn't stay.
Spent a week in Hong Kong and spent most of my money in the 1st 3 days. Mwahahahaha. Well, you will understand in a minute. Sadly I don't have have any pictures cos I forgot my camera - I have to go look for it. I sincerely hope it's not with him.
Day 1
Arrived and made my way to Ann's apartment. Nice place in the mid-levels. Grotty outside but the inside was spacious and huge. Met up with her husband for lunch. I was lucky to have my friend to myself for the entire week cos her husbans had to go on a business trip. Anyway, spent most of the day just hanging out in the house, and planning what to do for the rest of my time there.
Stayed in, rented 2 movies - A Very Long Engagement (Audrey Tatou and a very cute Josh Hartnett lookalike, except he speaks French which is doubly sexy - woo!) and the fluffy Mean Girls.
Day 2
Went out to Ocean Park for some thrills and spills cos Disneyland isn't open yet. Sad to say, the rides were all pretty boring, except for the one where you drop free fall 20 storeys. I'm not afraid of heights but I am afraid of falling! Managed to keep my eyes open though. Stayed out till 4pm where there were no more decent rides left and went home. We were so tired and probably was very dehydrated cos we had headaches and took an afternoon nap. We were feeling very lazy so instead of going out salsa dancing as planned, we decided to order in and rent 2 more movies - this time we watched the Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou and Vanity Fair. The 1st I didn't get, but I think it was probably supposed to be a parody of Jacques Cousteau and all (sorry Sharon - I still haven't watched Deep Blue!). Vanity Fair was interesting but very sad, cos at the end Rebecca Sharpe lost the man she truly loved for trying to move upwards in society.
Day 3
This is where I went slightly crazy. Ann took me to Pedder Building, and there were 2 shops there that sold labels at factory prices. I got a gorgeous black BCBG dress (probably last season) for only S$100. Insane! In the end, I think I spent like $700 on clothes from the shops. But I did get about 8 pieces so I think it was very worth it (works out to be about $80-90 per piece). Shopped out we decided to... you guessed it - stay home again and watch telly!
Day 4
Cooked lunch and wound up hanging out and chatting in the apartment. It was too hot outside! Air con was definitely needed. I got some more therapy for the break up, apparently I have been supressing my feelings by going out, and other distractions and suddenly talking about it just made all the emotions come out again, so we had to stay at home and deal with it.
We decided to go out that night and check out the scene at Lam Kwai Fong. Walked around trying to decide which bar to go to (there were tons of bars) and I just picked one (Bar George) where I thought there were cuter guys hanging out. Luckily for us, it was ladies night and drinks were free. Unfortunately for us, there were quite a few 'working girls' there and despite the fun music, we didn't quite like the atmosphere and decided to try other bars. Made it to Club 97 where they were playing reggae and danced there for a while. Drank a few more and then decided to call it a night. :) Enough eye candy for the day.
Day 5
Ann was spotted at Lam Kwai Fong the previous night and was asked to go for a casting call for a TV ad (or TVC in the lingo). I also hadn't had proper dim sum, so we made it to the dim sum place at City Hall for some yum cha. That was really the extent of the day. We were being proper bums and lazed at home, cos we had to be home for the other couple coming to stay at Ann's. Watched more movies (The Sweetest Thing & How to Lose a Guy in 10 days). Matthew McConaughey!!! Woo! He looked sooo cute in that movie - I think I have a case of star fever now!
Day 6
Busy day. Had tons of things to do. The highlight of the day was an 'art jamming' session. We bought a canvas and had access to various brushes, tools and oil paints to do our own painting! Brought a couple of beers with me for inspiration and managed a decent piece. It's still drying in HK, but my friends will bring it back the when they come back. Could be better but overall, pretty happy with my first piece. Ann's the artistic one - hers was very very pretty. Met up with Tina, another friend who lives in Discovery Bay. We all heard about it and I finally made it out there. It's like a residential commune, no cars allowed (except for the buses and golf buggies that ferry pple around).
Made it out to dessert in Lam Kwai Fong - the place was pretty busy (it was a Saturday night, what did you expect?) and we spotted some stars at this new bar illy. Gigi Leung and some others. Don't ask me, I'm not up to scratch on my hong kong stars. Hell, even when J-Lo was standing 10 feet away from me in NYC, someone had to point her out before I went, Oh yeah. That IS J-Lo. I'm kinda blind like that.
Last night in HK but everyone was tired so we headed home and did... you guessed it. I insisted on watching another movie cos I wasn't tired. So we took out Honey and watched it. Boy, now we all are really inspired to do hip hop classes. See how long that desire will last. LOL
Day 7
Managed to pack everything in and woke up in time to catch the plane and now I'm back in sunny SG. *sigh* I wish I had longer to spend in HK. I've brought a lot of emotion back up and it's hard to surpress it again with familiar surroundings. I've had a relapse you might say.
More on that later. Need to go out for grandma's birthday dinner now. And that is why I couldn't stay.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Road to Recovery
Went out for a girl's night out last night - started out at One Nite Stand, cos my friend said there would be cute guys there and cheesy music (which is always good to dance to). But all we saw were tons of 'working girls' and pot-bellied men looking for a 'good time'.
So off we went to Attica. Now, I normally don't like the place cos it's so poseur-ish and 'I'm so cool it hurts' kind of place. Not that my opinion changed any last night, but the view was definitely much nicer (and younger - woo! I could be tempted to cradle snatch!).
Met a few interesting people during the course of the night, and caught up with an old school friend and had a general good time around. Service was of course bad as usual, and I hate it when they think they're the uber cool place and they can get away with it.
Had a great time meeting others, chatting and during that time I realised that:
1. There ARE other fish in the sea
2. There are some CUTE fishes in the sea
3. Some of the cute fishes actually eyed US up
And all thru that, I didn't think of him one bit. Isn't that grand?
*whistling happy tune*
So yes, I think I'm on the road to recovery!!! Or at the very least, getting there. Recovery plan part 2: going to Hong Kong for a week. So toodles, gotta go pack for the trip now.
So off we went to Attica. Now, I normally don't like the place cos it's so poseur-ish and 'I'm so cool it hurts' kind of place. Not that my opinion changed any last night, but the view was definitely much nicer (and younger - woo! I could be tempted to cradle snatch!).
Met a few interesting people during the course of the night, and caught up with an old school friend and had a general good time around. Service was of course bad as usual, and I hate it when they think they're the uber cool place and they can get away with it.
Had a great time meeting others, chatting and during that time I realised that:
1. There ARE other fish in the sea
2. There are some CUTE fishes in the sea
3. Some of the cute fishes actually eyed US up
And all thru that, I didn't think of him one bit. Isn't that grand?
*whistling happy tune*
So yes, I think I'm on the road to recovery!!! Or at the very least, getting there. Recovery plan part 2: going to Hong Kong for a week. So toodles, gotta go pack for the trip now.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Emotionally Drained = Tired = Good
Yesterday was a good day. Ran around doing errands, was very busy with work and went thru the day without thinking of the breakup or him, and happily fell asleep easily (cos I was so tired!)
Today was pretty good too - went for Pilates trial lesson on the reformer machine - man, my muscles ache now. Also met up with 2 friends to chat about business opportunities (I'm gonna be in the film industry - no, not porno you sickos). Up to the point where I met his aunt, who proceeded to ask me about him and us. Of course I had to tell her that we broke up, which just brought all the emotion up again. I quickly bade her farewell and rushed out to dinner.
I'm so sick and tired of this emotional upheaval whenever I'm reminded of him and our relationship. I wish I can just turn off the tap. I feel so drained but the tears and emotions just flow non-stop.
Why? When I know I'm really better off without him? Am I truly a co-dependent? I don't think so. Yes, it hurts that someone you care about, who used to care and love you doesn't anymore. BUT I know I'm not one of those clingy limpets who cannot live without having someone in their lives. I have my own life that is pretty full with lots of good friends, so why do I turn into this babbling emotional fuck up when I encounter little things like that??? Well, I'm sick of it! I sound like a bloody whingy obsessive fool who has nothing better to do than carp about the damned past and not move on.
Feeling emotionally drained, which makes me tired, which is good, because then I can sleep without brooding further. I'm sick of this. I hope this means I'm getting over it. Fool I was to think that 2 weeks was enough to get over a 2 year relationship that ended so suddenly. I'll see you at the bar.
Today was pretty good too - went for Pilates trial lesson on the reformer machine - man, my muscles ache now. Also met up with 2 friends to chat about business opportunities (I'm gonna be in the film industry - no, not porno you sickos). Up to the point where I met his aunt, who proceeded to ask me about him and us. Of course I had to tell her that we broke up, which just brought all the emotion up again. I quickly bade her farewell and rushed out to dinner.
I'm so sick and tired of this emotional upheaval whenever I'm reminded of him and our relationship. I wish I can just turn off the tap. I feel so drained but the tears and emotions just flow non-stop.
Why? When I know I'm really better off without him? Am I truly a co-dependent? I don't think so. Yes, it hurts that someone you care about, who used to care and love you doesn't anymore. BUT I know I'm not one of those clingy limpets who cannot live without having someone in their lives. I have my own life that is pretty full with lots of good friends, so why do I turn into this babbling emotional fuck up when I encounter little things like that??? Well, I'm sick of it! I sound like a bloody whingy obsessive fool who has nothing better to do than carp about the damned past and not move on.
Feeling emotionally drained, which makes me tired, which is good, because then I can sleep without brooding further. I'm sick of this. I hope this means I'm getting over it. Fool I was to think that 2 weeks was enough to get over a 2 year relationship that ended so suddenly. I'll see you at the bar.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Much needed therapy
I have been miserable over the past 3 days and wrote some really pathetic posts that I won't share with the rest of the world. They were all along the lines of
"I wish we were back together again" or
"I don't wanna lose yooo" or
"I want him baaaack" or
"Why do I hurt so baaad"
In the interests of not making you puke, I shall refrain from said whinges and try to be more coherent.
Some tell me to cry my heart out, let it all out then I will feel better. My question to them is WHEN? I don't feel any better, and it's been over 2 weeks.
Some tell me not to think about it, cos thinking will make it worse, a vicious cycle and it will take more than Zanax or Valium to get you out. Great. Can someone tell me how to shut off my mind then? I know it's rather pathetic, but like I said, when the person has been so into every part of my life, I can't help but be reminded of him everytime, by little things.
For example last night I went out and watched a movie with some friends. Then one of them started talking about how he was looking for a new place to stay and then I'm reminded of him, how he wanted to move out (which he told me) and move in with another female friend of his (which I had to find out from someone else!). It was all I could do to keep from reacting and I did a very rude but self-preserving thing - which was to tune him out and chat to other people. Only finally caved in when driving home, alone. Had to call for backup - so ended up at a local mamak's (coffeshop) for a chat.
In the past 3 nights, I have spent so much time at the local that they probably already know about me and my problems. Luckily none of them came up to me and said stop crying here you stupid bitch you're ruining our business.
I have taken to reading blogs - Rockson's blog is absolutely hilarious and had me ROFL which is good therapy, no need for his horse lah. Another one that keeps me sane is Blinkymummy's blog. If you ever read this post, thank you!!! You're lifesavers - You keep me off drugs (both prescription & non)!!!
Much needed therapy indeed.
"I wish we were back together again" or
"I don't wanna lose yooo" or
"I want him baaaack" or
"Why do I hurt so baaad"
In the interests of not making you puke, I shall refrain from said whinges and try to be more coherent.
Some tell me to cry my heart out, let it all out then I will feel better. My question to them is WHEN? I don't feel any better, and it's been over 2 weeks.
Some tell me not to think about it, cos thinking will make it worse, a vicious cycle and it will take more than Zanax or Valium to get you out. Great. Can someone tell me how to shut off my mind then? I know it's rather pathetic, but like I said, when the person has been so into every part of my life, I can't help but be reminded of him everytime, by little things.
For example last night I went out and watched a movie with some friends. Then one of them started talking about how he was looking for a new place to stay and then I'm reminded of him, how he wanted to move out (which he told me) and move in with another female friend of his (which I had to find out from someone else!). It was all I could do to keep from reacting and I did a very rude but self-preserving thing - which was to tune him out and chat to other people. Only finally caved in when driving home, alone. Had to call for backup - so ended up at a local mamak's (coffeshop) for a chat.
In the past 3 nights, I have spent so much time at the local that they probably already know about me and my problems. Luckily none of them came up to me and said stop crying here you stupid bitch you're ruining our business.
I have taken to reading blogs - Rockson's blog is absolutely hilarious and had me ROFL which is good therapy, no need for his horse lah. Another one that keeps me sane is Blinkymummy's blog. If you ever read this post, thank you!!! You're lifesavers - You keep me off drugs (both prescription & non)!!!
Much needed therapy indeed.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Half Gifts
I just have to share the lyrics of this beautiful song from one of my favourite bands Cocteau Twins. The lyrics sum up my feelings about the breakup and my whole situation right now; the music is completely therapeutic and soothing. The whole album Milk & Kisses is my bedtime lullaby.
Half Gifts
It's an old game, my love
When you can't have me, you want me
Because you know that you're not risking anything
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
Well I'm still a junkie for it
It takes me out of my aloneness
But this relationship cannot sustain itself
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
I just have to know
How to be in the process
Of creating things in a better way
And it hurts, but it's a lie
That I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill
I still have a life and it's a rich one
Even with mourning, even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature
And to my dreams for myself
I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me
Half Gifts
It's an old game, my love
When you can't have me, you want me
Because you know that you're not risking anything
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
Well I'm still a junkie for it
It takes me out of my aloneness
But this relationship cannot sustain itself
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
I just have to know
How to be in the process
Of creating things in a better way
And it hurts, but it's a lie
That I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill
I still have a life and it's a rich one
Even with mourning, even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature
And to my dreams for myself
I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Nutcase admirer?
I was walking around the train station today, looking for the cafe where my friends were waiting. Because I normally drive, I hadn't seen the new mall they put in, and was rather lost.
When I was looking around, this guy approached me and asked me for directions to an office block in the area. I'd just come from there, so I was able to give him some directions.
Then 'cause I figured he might have seen the cafe where I'm supposed to meet my friends, I asked if he knew where it was. He shrugged, pointed in the direction I was going and said he might have seen it there. All of a sudden, he started introducing himself and I thought, 'Hmm. What is he after? Some sales guy maybe?'
I was completely shocked when he asked for my number. The look on my face must have been pretty revealing and he quickly assured me he wasn't an insurance salesperson or anything like that. Because he looked like he was trying to market something and also 'cause I was late, I decided to give him my number to get rid of him quickly. Stupidly, I didn't think and gave him my REAL number.
About half an hour later, I got an SMS asking if I'd found the place I was looking for. I naturally ignored it. Now I'm wondering, good god, could he be some evangelist lying in wait for people to save?
Later that afternoon, I received no less than 3 calls from him. Then finally, a couple more SMSes, none too subtle, asking if I'm out meeting my boyfriend. This from a complete stranger. Complete nutter more like.
I mean, yes I did wish for men to date, but not the damned psychos (or to be more accurate, the socially inept)! The way he asked for my number was so abrupt I really didn't think he was trying to pick me up - in a train station at 4pm. Man, I'd better start qualifying my wishes.
You'll be glad to know that I lied and told him I'd just finished dinner with my boyfriend. Hopefully, that's the end of that.
When I was looking around, this guy approached me and asked me for directions to an office block in the area. I'd just come from there, so I was able to give him some directions.
Then 'cause I figured he might have seen the cafe where I'm supposed to meet my friends, I asked if he knew where it was. He shrugged, pointed in the direction I was going and said he might have seen it there. All of a sudden, he started introducing himself and I thought, 'Hmm. What is he after? Some sales guy maybe?'
I was completely shocked when he asked for my number. The look on my face must have been pretty revealing and he quickly assured me he wasn't an insurance salesperson or anything like that. Because he looked like he was trying to market something and also 'cause I was late, I decided to give him my number to get rid of him quickly. Stupidly, I didn't think and gave him my REAL number.
About half an hour later, I got an SMS asking if I'd found the place I was looking for. I naturally ignored it. Now I'm wondering, good god, could he be some evangelist lying in wait for people to save?
Later that afternoon, I received no less than 3 calls from him. Then finally, a couple more SMSes, none too subtle, asking if I'm out meeting my boyfriend. This from a complete stranger. Complete nutter more like.
I mean, yes I did wish for men to date, but not the damned psychos (or to be more accurate, the socially inept)! The way he asked for my number was so abrupt I really didn't think he was trying to pick me up - in a train station at 4pm. Man, I'd better start qualifying my wishes.
You'll be glad to know that I lied and told him I'd just finished dinner with my boyfriend. Hopefully, that's the end of that.
Affirmation
Well, the news is out, I'm doing the rounds - telling all my friends that I've split up with my boyfriend and that I'm in the market again (believe me, it sure feels like a meat market out there sometimes).
The best thing is - almost all my friends tell me that we're totally different and not meant to be. In fact, even his friends say that I'm better off, we didn't suit, and that now I can find someone else who deserves me. Sweet! That just feels sooo great!
Now... just to have enough faith to get me thru the next day!
The best thing is - almost all my friends tell me that we're totally different and not meant to be. In fact, even his friends say that I'm better off, we didn't suit, and that now I can find someone else who deserves me. Sweet! That just feels sooo great!
Now... just to have enough faith to get me thru the next day!
Sunday, July 17, 2005
On a more positive note
Went out clubbing Sat night and while the view there was not great at all, the band was pretty good, and we stayed there for a bit of boogie-ing and fun. By the end of our night, we had picked up a couple of guys who bought us drinks and one of them (who was fairly cute, but not my type at all) asked me out for a date. At least I know I still got it. :)
Must remember not to make the same mistake again - don't go out with someone you're not that attracted to! Dates are okay I think, but nothing serious! Even then, I need to have my standards in place already. Hmm. Something to think about anyway!
Must remember not to make the same mistake again - don't go out with someone you're not that attracted to! Dates are okay I think, but nothing serious! Even then, I need to have my standards in place already. Hmm. Something to think about anyway!
Alone with my thoughts
As I'm writing this, I'm feeling pretty lonely and depressed.
First contact came on Friday, with an SMS from him to see how I was. How could I tell him that I still miss him? Of course I couldn't. Not that and still have my pride. So I just made some moue about being busy. I also made sure that all my days and nights were filled with activity, and as long as I didn't think about it, things were perfectly fine.
So long as I drink and make merry, come back home tired and exhausted, I can simply flop onto my bed and sleep through till I go thru the next activity filled day. When I go out with friends I can forget about our relationship, and enjoy the moment and genuinely have fun.
But when I have a spare moment, or when I think about things, I wish we were still together. I sometimes have foolish hopes that he would want me back and how he would change because he loves me, but knowing it's foolish doesn't stop me from thinking that. Knowing that we would still feel the same, be the same people and eventually come to the same ending.
Even though I know this is probably for the better since we both so want different things out of life, I miss having someone close, I miss sharing little bits of my day with him. I miss hugging him, I miss lying close to him, I miss the comfort of knowing he's there, and most of all, I miss my best friend.
And there's no way that we can go back to the way we were. Not for a while at least. Even now, when I see something funny, my instinctive reaction is to think of how he would find that funny too, or when I remember something, I almost reach for my phone to tell him, but I can't. For now, I reallly wouldn't know how to act, behave and react if we were to meet again. Whenever I go to the places that we used to go to, I find myself keeping a watch out for him; I'm not even sure if I want to avoid him or if I want to see him. I don't even think I will be able to speak to him over the phone without some waterworks on my end. I would so very much like to be good friends, but I'm afraid I'm rather weak.
He's gotten into almost every part of my life that everything I have reminds me of what we had. My air-conditioner, my shelves, my computers, my sunglasses - everything! As much as I would love to get rid of them, I kinda need them. And it's a bit hard to rip out your air-conditioner and put in a new one just cause.
I know I should try to keep busy and so far, I've managed to do some of that. But I haven't been able to really concentrate and do what I know I need to do - e.g. concentrate on my career and my business. I know I need to get away, if just for a while. And I'm making plans to do that, but that's still about 2 weeks away. It's only been a week; getting through the next 2 weeks is going to be tough. Help me get through it please.
First contact came on Friday, with an SMS from him to see how I was. How could I tell him that I still miss him? Of course I couldn't. Not that and still have my pride. So I just made some moue about being busy. I also made sure that all my days and nights were filled with activity, and as long as I didn't think about it, things were perfectly fine.
So long as I drink and make merry, come back home tired and exhausted, I can simply flop onto my bed and sleep through till I go thru the next activity filled day. When I go out with friends I can forget about our relationship, and enjoy the moment and genuinely have fun.
But when I have a spare moment, or when I think about things, I wish we were still together. I sometimes have foolish hopes that he would want me back and how he would change because he loves me, but knowing it's foolish doesn't stop me from thinking that. Knowing that we would still feel the same, be the same people and eventually come to the same ending.
Even though I know this is probably for the better since we both so want different things out of life, I miss having someone close, I miss sharing little bits of my day with him. I miss hugging him, I miss lying close to him, I miss the comfort of knowing he's there, and most of all, I miss my best friend.
And there's no way that we can go back to the way we were. Not for a while at least. Even now, when I see something funny, my instinctive reaction is to think of how he would find that funny too, or when I remember something, I almost reach for my phone to tell him, but I can't. For now, I reallly wouldn't know how to act, behave and react if we were to meet again. Whenever I go to the places that we used to go to, I find myself keeping a watch out for him; I'm not even sure if I want to avoid him or if I want to see him. I don't even think I will be able to speak to him over the phone without some waterworks on my end. I would so very much like to be good friends, but I'm afraid I'm rather weak.
He's gotten into almost every part of my life that everything I have reminds me of what we had. My air-conditioner, my shelves, my computers, my sunglasses - everything! As much as I would love to get rid of them, I kinda need them. And it's a bit hard to rip out your air-conditioner and put in a new one just cause.
I know I should try to keep busy and so far, I've managed to do some of that. But I haven't been able to really concentrate and do what I know I need to do - e.g. concentrate on my career and my business. I know I need to get away, if just for a while. And I'm making plans to do that, but that's still about 2 weeks away. It's only been a week; getting through the next 2 weeks is going to be tough. Help me get through it please.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Top 5 break up songs
One tip on surviving the break up: listen to the most depressive songs you can think of. Wallow in it and listen till you can't cry anymore. After that, you're cured. And if you think about it, your case is not so bad is it? :) Here are my top 5 picks.
1. Out of Reach (Gabrielle)
2. Love Ridden (Fiona Apple)
3. Let Me Let Go (Faith Hill)
4. Do What You Have To Do (Sarah McLachlan)
5. I Can't Make You Love Me (Bonnie Raitt)
1. Out of Reach (Gabrielle)
2. Love Ridden (Fiona Apple)
3. Let Me Let Go (Faith Hill)
4. Do What You Have To Do (Sarah McLachlan)
5. I Can't Make You Love Me (Bonnie Raitt)
Back to Singleton state
What can I say? After 2 years (or so) of coupledom, I'm back to being a singleton. I'm sure Bridge Jones would have said - Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn!
Not that there's anything wrong in being single. I'm happy to be free, and very glad that I didn't 'settle' for second best. And I sure am thankful I didn't find this out 3 years down the road, or when we had kids. It could always be worse - that's my consolation right now.
But 2 years of giving of yourself and letting someone completely into your life - to share intimate details and the mundane-ness of everyday life; there's an immediate vacuum that you just can't help but feel. The loneliness, the feeling that someone special was there for you, someone you could count on.
Not anymore. And that hurts.
I suppose one shouldn't torture oneself over whether he/she really loved you (duh, it should pretty obvious?!) and I don't regret the time I spent over the past 2 years. It's just difficult to let go. Suitable period to mourn and wallow - that's what I'll allow myself to do.
I'm sad that it's over, but I have to remember that my self-esteem is NOT (and never will be) tied to being in a relationship. In the words of one of the Cocteau Twins:
Not that there's anything wrong in being single. I'm happy to be free, and very glad that I didn't 'settle' for second best. And I sure am thankful I didn't find this out 3 years down the road, or when we had kids. It could always be worse - that's my consolation right now.
But 2 years of giving of yourself and letting someone completely into your life - to share intimate details and the mundane-ness of everyday life; there's an immediate vacuum that you just can't help but feel. The loneliness, the feeling that someone special was there for you, someone you could count on.
Not anymore. And that hurts.
I suppose one shouldn't torture oneself over whether he/she really loved you (duh, it should pretty obvious?!) and I don't regret the time I spent over the past 2 years. It's just difficult to let go. Suitable period to mourn and wallow - that's what I'll allow myself to do.
I'm sad that it's over, but I have to remember that my self-esteem is NOT (and never will be) tied to being in a relationship. In the words of one of the Cocteau Twins:
I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)