Doldrums 10 Me 1

It's been a week since my last post and I've been battling the doldrums and blues. So far, depression has scored more than 10 hits on me, and I've only managed 1-2 hits back.

I was hoping that Hong Kong would help me get over him, but the trip only served to remind me of all the things that we used to do and shared and that I missed having (still do). It's been the hardest week of all - I've used up all the "Whys", "Should Haves" and "Could Have Beens" and tortured myself with all these thoughts thru out the week. Just to spread some of it around:

• I should have tried harder to make it work
• I should have accepted the relationship as it is and not try to expect too much
• I'm sorry I didn't appreciate him while he was around
• It could have been so good, why did I rock the boat?

So on and so forth. I have cried everyday this whole week, and my eyes are so sore, they probably need a transplant!

I had a great conversation with Jo (my very good friend from waaay back), and she said the following that helped me to understand all this:
It's a natural grieving period, you're grieving for the end of a good thing. It's like grieving for a loved one who's passed away. It takes time and the emotions will come and go. No one should tell you how you feel and no one can tell you how long you need. You will take as long as you need to get over it. Just let yourself grieve and mourn over what you had. Till you let it all go, you probably won't be able pick up the pieces and move on. If you don't it might come back and bite you a few months or even a year down the road.

Paraphrased, more or less. And that's helped me a lot. Most of my friends are "Forget about him, he's not worth it", "You deserve so much better", "He's not good enough for you". But that doesn't matter cos you still feel what you feel. Obviously, I saw something good in him and we did something for each other or else I would not have gone out with him, much less for 2 years! Dealing with my feelings as something natural, and not feeling like I'm an idiot for feeling the way I do has helped to calm me down. I embrace the emotions, let it take me where I want to go and then when I'm done, just let it go.

Part of it is that I am at a crossroads in life and there's a huge amount of uncertainty right now. Being self-employed, trying to hack it in the music industry, figuring out where my next paycheck is coming from, figuring if this is what I really want - it's not easy at all. He was the one constant that I had and someone or something that I thought I could count on. That it's suddently been taken away, there's this huge void and everything is now uncertain. It's a massive upheaval and adds to the confusion that already is.

One step towards sanity is to get a mundane no-brainer 9-5 job. That's already on the burner and I'm waiting to hear back from the temp agencies. No doubt I'm way overqualified and will be way underpaid but it gets me out of the house, doing something 'constructive' for 8 hours a day and leave me less time to mope and dwell on things.

Getting different perspectives and take on things also helps. Another good piece of advice I got today was this:
You shouldn't have to compromise on what you want. It wouldn't have worked out if either party has to change their fundamentals to remain in the relationship. You can change a person's little habits or try to tolerate things like snoring or watching football, etc. But you can't change the way someone feels about the fundamental things.

Hearing that, and knowing that in all rationality, there is no way that we were ever meant to be the way we are right now, puts me on the right track to get over it. Maybe not tomorrow; I'll probably still be having a few crying spells here and there, but I know it will come. I must remember to learn from this experience as I have from all my previous relationships and bring all this "wisdom" to the next one (which hopefully will be the last and best one). What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.

I hope.