Doldrums 10 Me 1

It's been a week since my last post and I've been battling the doldrums and blues. So far, depression has scored more than 10 hits on me, and I've only managed 1-2 hits back.

I was hoping that Hong Kong would help me get over him, but the trip only served to remind me of all the things that we used to do and shared and that I missed having (still do). It's been the hardest week of all - I've used up all the "Whys", "Should Haves" and "Could Have Beens" and tortured myself with all these thoughts thru out the week. Just to spread some of it around:

• I should have tried harder to make it work
• I should have accepted the relationship as it is and not try to expect too much
• I'm sorry I didn't appreciate him while he was around
• It could have been so good, why did I rock the boat?

So on and so forth. I have cried everyday this whole week, and my eyes are so sore, they probably need a transplant!

I had a great conversation with Jo (my very good friend from waaay back), and she said the following that helped me to understand all this:
It's a natural grieving period, you're grieving for the end of a good thing. It's like grieving for a loved one who's passed away. It takes time and the emotions will come and go. No one should tell you how you feel and no one can tell you how long you need. You will take as long as you need to get over it. Just let yourself grieve and mourn over what you had. Till you let it all go, you probably won't be able pick up the pieces and move on. If you don't it might come back and bite you a few months or even a year down the road.

Paraphrased, more or less. And that's helped me a lot. Most of my friends are "Forget about him, he's not worth it", "You deserve so much better", "He's not good enough for you". But that doesn't matter cos you still feel what you feel. Obviously, I saw something good in him and we did something for each other or else I would not have gone out with him, much less for 2 years! Dealing with my feelings as something natural, and not feeling like I'm an idiot for feeling the way I do has helped to calm me down. I embrace the emotions, let it take me where I want to go and then when I'm done, just let it go.

Part of it is that I am at a crossroads in life and there's a huge amount of uncertainty right now. Being self-employed, trying to hack it in the music industry, figuring out where my next paycheck is coming from, figuring if this is what I really want - it's not easy at all. He was the one constant that I had and someone or something that I thought I could count on. That it's suddently been taken away, there's this huge void and everything is now uncertain. It's a massive upheaval and adds to the confusion that already is.

One step towards sanity is to get a mundane no-brainer 9-5 job. That's already on the burner and I'm waiting to hear back from the temp agencies. No doubt I'm way overqualified and will be way underpaid but it gets me out of the house, doing something 'constructive' for 8 hours a day and leave me less time to mope and dwell on things.

Getting different perspectives and take on things also helps. Another good piece of advice I got today was this:
You shouldn't have to compromise on what you want. It wouldn't have worked out if either party has to change their fundamentals to remain in the relationship. You can change a person's little habits or try to tolerate things like snoring or watching football, etc. But you can't change the way someone feels about the fundamental things.

Hearing that, and knowing that in all rationality, there is no way that we were ever meant to be the way we are right now, puts me on the right track to get over it. Maybe not tomorrow; I'll probably still be having a few crying spells here and there, but I know it will come. I must remember to learn from this experience as I have from all my previous relationships and bring all this "wisdom" to the next one (which hopefully will be the last and best one). What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.

I hope.

Hong Kong

*Warning: long post*

Spent a week in Hong Kong and spent most of my money in the 1st 3 days. Mwahahahaha. Well, you will understand in a minute. Sadly I don't have have any pictures cos I forgot my camera - I have to go look for it. I sincerely hope it's not with him.

Day 1
Arrived and made my way to Ann's apartment. Nice place in the mid-levels. Grotty outside but the inside was spacious and huge. Met up with her husband for lunch. I was lucky to have my friend to myself for the entire week cos her husbans had to go on a business trip. Anyway, spent most of the day just hanging out in the house, and planning what to do for the rest of my time there.

Stayed in, rented 2 movies - A Very Long Engagement (Audrey Tatou and a very cute Josh Hartnett lookalike, except he speaks French which is doubly sexy - woo!) and the fluffy Mean Girls.

Day 2
Went out to Ocean Park for some thrills and spills cos Disneyland isn't open yet. Sad to say, the rides were all pretty boring, except for the one where you drop free fall 20 storeys. I'm not afraid of heights but I am afraid of falling! Managed to keep my eyes open though. Stayed out till 4pm where there were no more decent rides left and went home. We were so tired and probably was very dehydrated cos we had headaches and took an afternoon nap. We were feeling very lazy so instead of going out salsa dancing as planned, we decided to order in and rent 2 more movies - this time we watched the Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou and Vanity Fair. The 1st I didn't get, but I think it was probably supposed to be a parody of Jacques Cousteau and all (sorry Sharon - I still haven't watched Deep Blue!). Vanity Fair was interesting but very sad, cos at the end Rebecca Sharpe lost the man she truly loved for trying to move upwards in society.

Day 3
This is where I went slightly crazy. Ann took me to Pedder Building, and there were 2 shops there that sold labels at factory prices. I got a gorgeous black BCBG dress (probably last season) for only S$100. Insane! In the end, I think I spent like $700 on clothes from the shops. But I did get about 8 pieces so I think it was very worth it (works out to be about $80-90 per piece). Shopped out we decided to... you guessed it - stay home again and watch telly!

Day 4
Cooked lunch and wound up hanging out and chatting in the apartment. It was too hot outside! Air con was definitely needed. I got some more therapy for the break up, apparently I have been supressing my feelings by going out, and other distractions and suddenly talking about it just made all the emotions come out again, so we had to stay at home and deal with it.

We decided to go out that night and check out the scene at Lam Kwai Fong. Walked around trying to decide which bar to go to (there were tons of bars) and I just picked one (Bar George) where I thought there were cuter guys hanging out. Luckily for us, it was ladies night and drinks were free. Unfortunately for us, there were quite a few 'working girls' there and despite the fun music, we didn't quite like the atmosphere and decided to try other bars. Made it to Club 97 where they were playing reggae and danced there for a while. Drank a few more and then decided to call it a night. :) Enough eye candy for the day.

Day 5
Ann was spotted at Lam Kwai Fong the previous night and was asked to go for a casting call for a TV ad (or TVC in the lingo). I also hadn't had proper dim sum, so we made it to the dim sum place at City Hall for some yum cha. That was really the extent of the day. We were being proper bums and lazed at home, cos we had to be home for the other couple coming to stay at Ann's. Watched more movies (The Sweetest Thing & How to Lose a Guy in 10 days). Matthew McConaughey!!! Woo! He looked sooo cute in that movie - I think I have a case of star fever now!

Day 6
Busy day. Had tons of things to do. The highlight of the day was an 'art jamming' session. We bought a canvas and had access to various brushes, tools and oil paints to do our own painting! Brought a couple of beers with me for inspiration and managed a decent piece. It's still drying in HK, but my friends will bring it back the when they come back. Could be better but overall, pretty happy with my first piece. Ann's the artistic one - hers was very very pretty. Met up with Tina, another friend who lives in Discovery Bay. We all heard about it and I finally made it out there. It's like a residential commune, no cars allowed (except for the buses and golf buggies that ferry pple around).

Made it out to dessert in Lam Kwai Fong - the place was pretty busy (it was a Saturday night, what did you expect?) and we spotted some stars at this new bar illy. Gigi Leung and some others. Don't ask me, I'm not up to scratch on my hong kong stars. Hell, even when J-Lo was standing 10 feet away from me in NYC, someone had to point her out before I went, Oh yeah. That IS J-Lo. I'm kinda blind like that.

Last night in HK but everyone was tired so we headed home and did... you guessed it. I insisted on watching another movie cos I wasn't tired. So we took out Honey and watched it. Boy, now we all are really inspired to do hip hop classes. See how long that desire will last. LOL

Day 7
Managed to pack everything in and woke up in time to catch the plane and now I'm back in sunny SG. *sigh* I wish I had longer to spend in HK. I've brought a lot of emotion back up and it's hard to surpress it again with familiar surroundings. I've had a relapse you might say.

More on that later. Need to go out for grandma's birthday dinner now. And that is why I couldn't stay.

Road to Recovery

Went out for a girl's night out last night - started out at One Nite Stand, cos my friend said there would be cute guys there and cheesy music (which is always good to dance to). But all we saw were tons of 'working girls' and pot-bellied men looking for a 'good time'.

So off we went to Attica. Now, I normally don't like the place cos it's so poseur-ish and 'I'm so cool it hurts' kind of place. Not that my opinion changed any last night, but the view was definitely much nicer (and younger - woo! I could be tempted to cradle snatch!).

Met a few interesting people during the course of the night, and caught up with an old school friend and had a general good time around. Service was of course bad as usual, and I hate it when they think they're the uber cool place and they can get away with it.

Had a great time meeting others, chatting and during that time I realised that:
1. There ARE other fish in the sea
2. There are some CUTE fishes in the sea
3. Some of the cute fishes actually eyed US up

And all thru that, I didn't think of him one bit. Isn't that grand?

*whistling happy tune*

So yes, I think I'm on the road to recovery!!! Or at the very least, getting there. Recovery plan part 2: going to Hong Kong for a week. So toodles, gotta go pack for the trip now.