Yesterday was a good day. Ran around doing errands, was very busy with work and went thru the day without thinking of the breakup or him, and happily fell asleep easily (cos I was so tired!)
Today was pretty good too - went for Pilates trial lesson on the reformer machine - man, my muscles ache now. Also met up with 2 friends to chat about business opportunities (I'm gonna be in the film industry - no, not porno you sickos). Up to the point where I met his aunt, who proceeded to ask me about him and us. Of course I had to tell her that we broke up, which just brought all the emotion up again. I quickly bade her farewell and rushed out to dinner.
I'm so sick and tired of this emotional upheaval whenever I'm reminded of him and our relationship. I wish I can just turn off the tap. I feel so drained but the tears and emotions just flow non-stop.
Why? When I know I'm really better off without him? Am I truly a co-dependent? I don't think so. Yes, it hurts that someone you care about, who used to care and love you doesn't anymore. BUT I know I'm not one of those clingy limpets who cannot live without having someone in their lives. I have my own life that is pretty full with lots of good friends, so why do I turn into this babbling emotional fuck up when I encounter little things like that??? Well, I'm sick of it! I sound like a bloody whingy obsessive fool who has nothing better to do than carp about the damned past and not move on.
Feeling emotionally drained, which makes me tired, which is good, because then I can sleep without brooding further. I'm sick of this. I hope this means I'm getting over it. Fool I was to think that 2 weeks was enough to get over a 2 year relationship that ended so suddenly. I'll see you at the bar.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Much needed therapy
I have been miserable over the past 3 days and wrote some really pathetic posts that I won't share with the rest of the world. They were all along the lines of
"I wish we were back together again" or
"I don't wanna lose yooo" or
"I want him baaaack" or
"Why do I hurt so baaad"
In the interests of not making you puke, I shall refrain from said whinges and try to be more coherent.
Some tell me to cry my heart out, let it all out then I will feel better. My question to them is WHEN? I don't feel any better, and it's been over 2 weeks.
Some tell me not to think about it, cos thinking will make it worse, a vicious cycle and it will take more than Zanax or Valium to get you out. Great. Can someone tell me how to shut off my mind then? I know it's rather pathetic, but like I said, when the person has been so into every part of my life, I can't help but be reminded of him everytime, by little things.
For example last night I went out and watched a movie with some friends. Then one of them started talking about how he was looking for a new place to stay and then I'm reminded of him, how he wanted to move out (which he told me) and move in with another female friend of his (which I had to find out from someone else!). It was all I could do to keep from reacting and I did a very rude but self-preserving thing - which was to tune him out and chat to other people. Only finally caved in when driving home, alone. Had to call for backup - so ended up at a local mamak's (coffeshop) for a chat.
In the past 3 nights, I have spent so much time at the local that they probably already know about me and my problems. Luckily none of them came up to me and said stop crying here you stupid bitch you're ruining our business.
I have taken to reading blogs - Rockson's blog is absolutely hilarious and had me ROFL which is good therapy, no need for his horse lah. Another one that keeps me sane is Blinkymummy's blog. If you ever read this post, thank you!!! You're lifesavers - You keep me off drugs (both prescription & non)!!!
Much needed therapy indeed.
"I wish we were back together again" or
"I don't wanna lose yooo" or
"I want him baaaack" or
"Why do I hurt so baaad"
In the interests of not making you puke, I shall refrain from said whinges and try to be more coherent.
Some tell me to cry my heart out, let it all out then I will feel better. My question to them is WHEN? I don't feel any better, and it's been over 2 weeks.
Some tell me not to think about it, cos thinking will make it worse, a vicious cycle and it will take more than Zanax or Valium to get you out. Great. Can someone tell me how to shut off my mind then? I know it's rather pathetic, but like I said, when the person has been so into every part of my life, I can't help but be reminded of him everytime, by little things.
For example last night I went out and watched a movie with some friends. Then one of them started talking about how he was looking for a new place to stay and then I'm reminded of him, how he wanted to move out (which he told me) and move in with another female friend of his (which I had to find out from someone else!). It was all I could do to keep from reacting and I did a very rude but self-preserving thing - which was to tune him out and chat to other people. Only finally caved in when driving home, alone. Had to call for backup - so ended up at a local mamak's (coffeshop) for a chat.
In the past 3 nights, I have spent so much time at the local that they probably already know about me and my problems. Luckily none of them came up to me and said stop crying here you stupid bitch you're ruining our business.
I have taken to reading blogs - Rockson's blog is absolutely hilarious and had me ROFL which is good therapy, no need for his horse lah. Another one that keeps me sane is Blinkymummy's blog. If you ever read this post, thank you!!! You're lifesavers - You keep me off drugs (both prescription & non)!!!
Much needed therapy indeed.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Half Gifts
I just have to share the lyrics of this beautiful song from one of my favourite bands Cocteau Twins. The lyrics sum up my feelings about the breakup and my whole situation right now; the music is completely therapeutic and soothing. The whole album Milk & Kisses is my bedtime lullaby.
Half Gifts
It's an old game, my love
When you can't have me, you want me
Because you know that you're not risking anything
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
Well I'm still a junkie for it
It takes me out of my aloneness
But this relationship cannot sustain itself
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
I just have to know
How to be in the process
Of creating things in a better way
And it hurts, but it's a lie
That I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill
I still have a life and it's a rich one
Even with mourning, even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature
And to my dreams for myself
I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me
Half Gifts
It's an old game, my love
When you can't have me, you want me
Because you know that you're not risking anything
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
Well I'm still a junkie for it
It takes me out of my aloneness
But this relationship cannot sustain itself
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
I just have to know
How to be in the process
Of creating things in a better way
And it hurts, but it's a lie
That I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill
I still have a life and it's a rich one
Even with mourning, even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature
And to my dreams for myself
I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Nutcase admirer?
I was walking around the train station today, looking for the cafe where my friends were waiting. Because I normally drive, I hadn't seen the new mall they put in, and was rather lost.
When I was looking around, this guy approached me and asked me for directions to an office block in the area. I'd just come from there, so I was able to give him some directions.
Then 'cause I figured he might have seen the cafe where I'm supposed to meet my friends, I asked if he knew where it was. He shrugged, pointed in the direction I was going and said he might have seen it there. All of a sudden, he started introducing himself and I thought, 'Hmm. What is he after? Some sales guy maybe?'
I was completely shocked when he asked for my number. The look on my face must have been pretty revealing and he quickly assured me he wasn't an insurance salesperson or anything like that. Because he looked like he was trying to market something and also 'cause I was late, I decided to give him my number to get rid of him quickly. Stupidly, I didn't think and gave him my REAL number.
About half an hour later, I got an SMS asking if I'd found the place I was looking for. I naturally ignored it. Now I'm wondering, good god, could he be some evangelist lying in wait for people to save?
Later that afternoon, I received no less than 3 calls from him. Then finally, a couple more SMSes, none too subtle, asking if I'm out meeting my boyfriend. This from a complete stranger. Complete nutter more like.
I mean, yes I did wish for men to date, but not the damned psychos (or to be more accurate, the socially inept)! The way he asked for my number was so abrupt I really didn't think he was trying to pick me up - in a train station at 4pm. Man, I'd better start qualifying my wishes.
You'll be glad to know that I lied and told him I'd just finished dinner with my boyfriend. Hopefully, that's the end of that.
When I was looking around, this guy approached me and asked me for directions to an office block in the area. I'd just come from there, so I was able to give him some directions.
Then 'cause I figured he might have seen the cafe where I'm supposed to meet my friends, I asked if he knew where it was. He shrugged, pointed in the direction I was going and said he might have seen it there. All of a sudden, he started introducing himself and I thought, 'Hmm. What is he after? Some sales guy maybe?'
I was completely shocked when he asked for my number. The look on my face must have been pretty revealing and he quickly assured me he wasn't an insurance salesperson or anything like that. Because he looked like he was trying to market something and also 'cause I was late, I decided to give him my number to get rid of him quickly. Stupidly, I didn't think and gave him my REAL number.
About half an hour later, I got an SMS asking if I'd found the place I was looking for. I naturally ignored it. Now I'm wondering, good god, could he be some evangelist lying in wait for people to save?
Later that afternoon, I received no less than 3 calls from him. Then finally, a couple more SMSes, none too subtle, asking if I'm out meeting my boyfriend. This from a complete stranger. Complete nutter more like.
I mean, yes I did wish for men to date, but not the damned psychos (or to be more accurate, the socially inept)! The way he asked for my number was so abrupt I really didn't think he was trying to pick me up - in a train station at 4pm. Man, I'd better start qualifying my wishes.
You'll be glad to know that I lied and told him I'd just finished dinner with my boyfriend. Hopefully, that's the end of that.
Affirmation
Well, the news is out, I'm doing the rounds - telling all my friends that I've split up with my boyfriend and that I'm in the market again (believe me, it sure feels like a meat market out there sometimes).
The best thing is - almost all my friends tell me that we're totally different and not meant to be. In fact, even his friends say that I'm better off, we didn't suit, and that now I can find someone else who deserves me. Sweet! That just feels sooo great!
Now... just to have enough faith to get me thru the next day!
The best thing is - almost all my friends tell me that we're totally different and not meant to be. In fact, even his friends say that I'm better off, we didn't suit, and that now I can find someone else who deserves me. Sweet! That just feels sooo great!
Now... just to have enough faith to get me thru the next day!
Sunday, July 17, 2005
On a more positive note
Went out clubbing Sat night and while the view there was not great at all, the band was pretty good, and we stayed there for a bit of boogie-ing and fun. By the end of our night, we had picked up a couple of guys who bought us drinks and one of them (who was fairly cute, but not my type at all) asked me out for a date. At least I know I still got it. :)
Must remember not to make the same mistake again - don't go out with someone you're not that attracted to! Dates are okay I think, but nothing serious! Even then, I need to have my standards in place already. Hmm. Something to think about anyway!
Must remember not to make the same mistake again - don't go out with someone you're not that attracted to! Dates are okay I think, but nothing serious! Even then, I need to have my standards in place already. Hmm. Something to think about anyway!
Alone with my thoughts
As I'm writing this, I'm feeling pretty lonely and depressed.
First contact came on Friday, with an SMS from him to see how I was. How could I tell him that I still miss him? Of course I couldn't. Not that and still have my pride. So I just made some moue about being busy. I also made sure that all my days and nights were filled with activity, and as long as I didn't think about it, things were perfectly fine.
So long as I drink and make merry, come back home tired and exhausted, I can simply flop onto my bed and sleep through till I go thru the next activity filled day. When I go out with friends I can forget about our relationship, and enjoy the moment and genuinely have fun.
But when I have a spare moment, or when I think about things, I wish we were still together. I sometimes have foolish hopes that he would want me back and how he would change because he loves me, but knowing it's foolish doesn't stop me from thinking that. Knowing that we would still feel the same, be the same people and eventually come to the same ending.
Even though I know this is probably for the better since we both so want different things out of life, I miss having someone close, I miss sharing little bits of my day with him. I miss hugging him, I miss lying close to him, I miss the comfort of knowing he's there, and most of all, I miss my best friend.
And there's no way that we can go back to the way we were. Not for a while at least. Even now, when I see something funny, my instinctive reaction is to think of how he would find that funny too, or when I remember something, I almost reach for my phone to tell him, but I can't. For now, I reallly wouldn't know how to act, behave and react if we were to meet again. Whenever I go to the places that we used to go to, I find myself keeping a watch out for him; I'm not even sure if I want to avoid him or if I want to see him. I don't even think I will be able to speak to him over the phone without some waterworks on my end. I would so very much like to be good friends, but I'm afraid I'm rather weak.
He's gotten into almost every part of my life that everything I have reminds me of what we had. My air-conditioner, my shelves, my computers, my sunglasses - everything! As much as I would love to get rid of them, I kinda need them. And it's a bit hard to rip out your air-conditioner and put in a new one just cause.
I know I should try to keep busy and so far, I've managed to do some of that. But I haven't been able to really concentrate and do what I know I need to do - e.g. concentrate on my career and my business. I know I need to get away, if just for a while. And I'm making plans to do that, but that's still about 2 weeks away. It's only been a week; getting through the next 2 weeks is going to be tough. Help me get through it please.
First contact came on Friday, with an SMS from him to see how I was. How could I tell him that I still miss him? Of course I couldn't. Not that and still have my pride. So I just made some moue about being busy. I also made sure that all my days and nights were filled with activity, and as long as I didn't think about it, things were perfectly fine.
So long as I drink and make merry, come back home tired and exhausted, I can simply flop onto my bed and sleep through till I go thru the next activity filled day. When I go out with friends I can forget about our relationship, and enjoy the moment and genuinely have fun.
But when I have a spare moment, or when I think about things, I wish we were still together. I sometimes have foolish hopes that he would want me back and how he would change because he loves me, but knowing it's foolish doesn't stop me from thinking that. Knowing that we would still feel the same, be the same people and eventually come to the same ending.
Even though I know this is probably for the better since we both so want different things out of life, I miss having someone close, I miss sharing little bits of my day with him. I miss hugging him, I miss lying close to him, I miss the comfort of knowing he's there, and most of all, I miss my best friend.
And there's no way that we can go back to the way we were. Not for a while at least. Even now, when I see something funny, my instinctive reaction is to think of how he would find that funny too, or when I remember something, I almost reach for my phone to tell him, but I can't. For now, I reallly wouldn't know how to act, behave and react if we were to meet again. Whenever I go to the places that we used to go to, I find myself keeping a watch out for him; I'm not even sure if I want to avoid him or if I want to see him. I don't even think I will be able to speak to him over the phone without some waterworks on my end. I would so very much like to be good friends, but I'm afraid I'm rather weak.
He's gotten into almost every part of my life that everything I have reminds me of what we had. My air-conditioner, my shelves, my computers, my sunglasses - everything! As much as I would love to get rid of them, I kinda need them. And it's a bit hard to rip out your air-conditioner and put in a new one just cause.
I know I should try to keep busy and so far, I've managed to do some of that. But I haven't been able to really concentrate and do what I know I need to do - e.g. concentrate on my career and my business. I know I need to get away, if just for a while. And I'm making plans to do that, but that's still about 2 weeks away. It's only been a week; getting through the next 2 weeks is going to be tough. Help me get through it please.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Top 5 break up songs
One tip on surviving the break up: listen to the most depressive songs you can think of. Wallow in it and listen till you can't cry anymore. After that, you're cured. And if you think about it, your case is not so bad is it? :) Here are my top 5 picks.
1. Out of Reach (Gabrielle)
2. Love Ridden (Fiona Apple)
3. Let Me Let Go (Faith Hill)
4. Do What You Have To Do (Sarah McLachlan)
5. I Can't Make You Love Me (Bonnie Raitt)
1. Out of Reach (Gabrielle)
2. Love Ridden (Fiona Apple)
3. Let Me Let Go (Faith Hill)
4. Do What You Have To Do (Sarah McLachlan)
5. I Can't Make You Love Me (Bonnie Raitt)
Back to Singleton state
What can I say? After 2 years (or so) of coupledom, I'm back to being a singleton. I'm sure Bridge Jones would have said - Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn!
Not that there's anything wrong in being single. I'm happy to be free, and very glad that I didn't 'settle' for second best. And I sure am thankful I didn't find this out 3 years down the road, or when we had kids. It could always be worse - that's my consolation right now.
But 2 years of giving of yourself and letting someone completely into your life - to share intimate details and the mundane-ness of everyday life; there's an immediate vacuum that you just can't help but feel. The loneliness, the feeling that someone special was there for you, someone you could count on.
Not anymore. And that hurts.
I suppose one shouldn't torture oneself over whether he/she really loved you (duh, it should pretty obvious?!) and I don't regret the time I spent over the past 2 years. It's just difficult to let go. Suitable period to mourn and wallow - that's what I'll allow myself to do.
I'm sad that it's over, but I have to remember that my self-esteem is NOT (and never will be) tied to being in a relationship. In the words of one of the Cocteau Twins:
Not that there's anything wrong in being single. I'm happy to be free, and very glad that I didn't 'settle' for second best. And I sure am thankful I didn't find this out 3 years down the road, or when we had kids. It could always be worse - that's my consolation right now.
But 2 years of giving of yourself and letting someone completely into your life - to share intimate details and the mundane-ness of everyday life; there's an immediate vacuum that you just can't help but feel. The loneliness, the feeling that someone special was there for you, someone you could count on.
Not anymore. And that hurts.
I suppose one shouldn't torture oneself over whether he/she really loved you (duh, it should pretty obvious?!) and I don't regret the time I spent over the past 2 years. It's just difficult to let go. Suitable period to mourn and wallow - that's what I'll allow myself to do.
I'm sad that it's over, but I have to remember that my self-esteem is NOT (and never will be) tied to being in a relationship. In the words of one of the Cocteau Twins:
I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me
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