Alone with my thoughts

As I'm writing this, I'm feeling pretty lonely and depressed.

First contact came on Friday, with an SMS from him to see how I was. How could I tell him that I still miss him? Of course I couldn't. Not that and still have my pride. So I just made some moue about being busy. I also made sure that all my days and nights were filled with activity, and as long as I didn't think about it, things were perfectly fine.

So long as I drink and make merry, come back home tired and exhausted, I can simply flop onto my bed and sleep through till I go thru the next activity filled day. When I go out with friends I can forget about our relationship, and enjoy the moment and genuinely have fun.

But when I have a spare moment, or when I think about things, I wish we were still together. I sometimes have foolish hopes that he would want me back and how he would change because he loves me, but knowing it's foolish doesn't stop me from thinking that. Knowing that we would still feel the same, be the same people and eventually come to the same ending.

Even though I know this is probably for the better since we both so want different things out of life, I miss having someone close, I miss sharing little bits of my day with him. I miss hugging him, I miss lying close to him, I miss the comfort of knowing he's there, and most of all, I miss my best friend.

And there's no way that we can go back to the way we were. Not for a while at least. Even now, when I see something funny, my instinctive reaction is to think of how he would find that funny too, or when I remember something, I almost reach for my phone to tell him, but I can't. For now, I reallly wouldn't know how to act, behave and react if we were to meet again. Whenever I go to the places that we used to go to, I find myself keeping a watch out for him; I'm not even sure if I want to avoid him or if I want to see him. I don't even think I will be able to speak to him over the phone without some waterworks on my end. I would so very much like to be good friends, but I'm afraid I'm rather weak.

He's gotten into almost every part of my life that everything I have reminds me of what we had. My air-conditioner, my shelves, my computers, my sunglasses - everything! As much as I would love to get rid of them, I kinda need them. And it's a bit hard to rip out your air-conditioner and put in a new one just cause.

I know I should try to keep busy and so far, I've managed to do some of that. But I haven't been able to really concentrate and do what I know I need to do - e.g. concentrate on my career and my business. I know I need to get away, if just for a while. And I'm making plans to do that, but that's still about 2 weeks away. It's only been a week; getting through the next 2 weeks is going to be tough. Help me get through it please.