Mixed Feelings About Plan B

I could be playing World of Warcraft (WoW) or reading my stock of novels, but I feel in an introspective mood today and have this need to pen some of my thoughts.

Singing

I got a call from a fairly well known local singer today, she said she would come down to listen to me, give a little support and all. Of course through all the musings of Plan B, I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing by ditching the singing thing so early in the game. The past month has been good training for me. I've been forced to learn new songs, cos I'm sick of singing the same thing all the time. And I'm mortified every time someone asks me for a request and I don't know it (or rather, I haven't memorised the words!).

But I've recognised that I enjoy attention but I don't quite know how to generate that stage presence. Maybe it's just the place that I'm singing in - it doesn't quite inspire me to want to bother sometimes. And sometimes, it's a pain playing with just the piano accompaniment. It gets stale and boring and the pianist is rather lazy too - he's just doing it as a job, and I don't feel the love of music from him. I think I've been spoiled, cos up to now, I've played with pretty talented and dedicated musicians!

Am I throwing in the towel too soon? After all this is the first full time gig I got. I didn't expect it to be a bed of roses and I know I have to pay my dues so to speak. But is this really the best way to go? Am I good enough or will I always be second rate or relegated to be anonymous and sing at hotel lounges where no one really listens? Even if I made it to a recording, would it be a back shelf type CD? My family seems to think I should only do this for 1-2 years and in that sentiment, it's almost as if they expect me to not make it. My friends are nothing but supportive but I'm not sure if that's their honest opinion or just them being friends and giving the necessary support. I need an honest (industry) opinion about my options here and the feasibility of going on.

Moving Away

I'm excited about the thought of starting fresh. New everything, real independence and all. In a sense, it is a form of escapism. Forget the complications of family, ex-es, and whatever other shit I feel I need to leave behind. Naturally, the question comes about: Am I really doing the right thing?

Reasons for moving

• I feel stifled here and want to be in a place where there are more possibilities
• Feel the need to be independent and step out of my comfort zone. Often feel that with a network of family and friends, it's so easy to take it easy and not strive so hard.
• Feel the need to get away from old hurts and painful associations

Reasons for staying

• I feel bad about leaving my mom here (but she has my brother to keep her company for now)
• There may be good opportunities in the Arts / Music scene in Singapore, especially with the Integrated Resorts (Casinos) coming. If I leave, I may miss out on being in the forefront of that, and/or miss out on building important networks and connections. Saying that, it will be a while before the IRs will be complete (at least 2 years). So this still remains to be seen. Networks can be quickly built again, the music industry here is pretty small.
• I have a good network and understanding of things here - e.g. if I injure myself, I know where to go to get it fixed. If I need to get ABC, I know where to go to get it. Or I know who to call to get help from.

The reasons for leaving are all about emotions. Emotions are stronger and usually can overcome rational thinking (in my case, it probably is very much true). I'm afraid that I'm not doing it for the right reasons and that even if I leave, I may not solve any of my issues anyway.

So while I have taken the step to find full time employment again, I am doubting whether it's the right tack to take. Friends say just get a job first and then decide later whether you want that or not. Fair enough. That still mandates a choice between singing and getting a job so that I can move. The ideal situation would be of course to have a (dossy) full time job here in Singapore that pays well, and leaves me time to sing about 3-4 nights a week on a regular basis.

Oh well, I have till January to look for something suitable.