Computer Woes - A Bridge Towards Friendship

My laptop went whoosh on me. Yup, it died - or rather, the hard drive crashed or failed to boot up. (I know it sounds geeky, sorry - I probably am, just a tad). I knew it was the hard drive cos it makes this "whirry" sound when it starts up and I didn't hear squat. Panic time. I had not backed up my files recently and my whole life was practically on that damn laptop.

Now if you didn't already know, the ex is a computer whiz. Naturally he was the first one I thought of to go to for help. But me being "Not Ready" to talk to him yet, tried to get around this by calling other people for help. The service centre wanted to charge me $100 just to diagnose the problem. The data recovery centre wanted a minimum of $400 (it could go up to $3,000 they said) to get back my data from the wonky hard disk. No way was I going to pay that without seeing if I could get it done for next to nothing.

At least, nothing except pride and any other feelings that have not yet surfaced.

I thought long and hard about it. I did want to get back in touch and remain friends but our last meeting was pretty awkward. I miss him as a friend, someone to ask advice of, but I didn't want him to get any wrong ideas either. I also didn't know how to react around him. How do you behave around someone who was your lover and closest friend to someone who's not quite that anymore? I roughly knew what I wanted from him as a friend but I didn't know if that was possible or if that was what he wanted as well. To sum it up, I was pretty much clueless.

But I rationalised that this would be a pretty good bridge to make our way back to being friends, which I do want. If it went well, then we would have made our first step in reconnecting. We'd have to learn to connect in a different way, without the emotional / relationship issues coming back in. If it didn't turn out well, then I know that we would never be friends, not the way I'd like to.

After all that rationalisation (and a few chats with friends), I said what the hell, SMSed him and asked for help. I left it open ended so that it didn't sound as if he had to help me. In any case, he came through. My faith in him as a computer whiz was justified. He managed to recover my data for which I am very very grateful.

It was slightly awkward but I think we both unconsciously chose to pretend as if we were good friends and didn't have a past relationship between us. It was pretty much what we used to do, except without the endearments and the emotional stuff that comes with a relationship. It was hard for me, seeing him at his place and it hit me that I can't quite do some things that I used to do (like lie on the bed, sit close to him). At some points when I was reminded of what we had and what I loved about him, I had to bite my lips real hard to keep from crying. But I managed it, and I did it without betraying (I hope) that some part of me inside still hurts. I broke down in the car, but there no one sees it.

In any case, I'm proud of myself. For me, it took a lot of courage to make the first move, ask him for help and more, to meet him at his place. It was about putting my feelings aside. Recognising them, understanding them, but being able to put them aside for that period where I had to deal with the situation at hand. I'm proud of the fact that I used the opportunity, instead of letting it slide. Heaven knows when I would be 'ready' (knowing my procrastinating self). And maybe my courage might have failed me later in the day, or it might be a case of - well, it's been so long, there's no point really. And that would really be a loss, to both of us. We still have lots to give as friends and I don't doubt that the road back to friendship would be awkward and rocky. But we're on the way. And I took that first step.

Okay, now I need a drink.