In the pursuit of said Plan B, I have discovered that my job search skills are fairly rusty.
I had flubbed an interview with a prospective employer, because I forgot all about my targetted interview skills / questions. Although I may have subconsciously flubbed it because I didn't want the job. Sounded too much like something that I would actually have to work at. Remembering that I left all the consulting work behind me, I'm planning on a fairly dossy job, one where I can leave work at 5:30pm every day.
Of course, that means that I will have to be picky... but can I really? One of my friends has said that I've been 'out of the market' and that employers could use that to bargain me down, and use that as a reason to not hire me. But I'm not sure that's a valid argument. I've technically (according to my CV) just taken a 4-6 month sabbatical and therefore, should be fine in terms of job prospects.
Spoke to another recruitment firm and they seemed positive but didn't have anything for me as yet. They had one 3 month contract position with a bank, but the job title and the job scope sounds far too administrative. If I wanted to pursue the career thing, it's not going to get me far.
I've also applied to other companies directly, but I have yet to hear from them. I doubt that they would be able to pay me well, but we'll see. I am truly unwilling to take a job with less than $5,000 monthly pay. In the end, if I have to suck it in and take it, I will take *any* job that pays at least that, and sod the job title.
The plan is to start work in Jan 2006. If that's not possible, then I would want to take 1 month off in Feb 2006 to travel around Laos & Vietnam, ending up playing the Bangkok Hat at the end of Feb, then start work in Mar 2006. Of course, I can always go before I leave for the UK / Canada. But the two interim plans are the ideal situations really.
Then I'm thinking, if the plan is just to go away, why not just sod Canada 2007 for now, take the contract job and then save up just enough to go to UK? If I go to the UK, it won't be to take on a 'career' job anyway, so why bother? I guess that's something to think about if I don't get a job by Jan 2006. I know there will be lots of attrition come next Jan / Mar next year cos lots of people I know are dying to get out of their jobs. If I sit and wait, there may be a good chance of getting something lucrative.
We'll see. Now to target all other job search agencies. That's my aim for the week!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Dating Advice: Dealing with The Bore
One of the perils of dating is going out with The Bore.
Met this guy at an exhibition and agreed to go out for dinner with him on Friday. First of all, I must state that I wasn't the least attracted to him, but I thought it would be nice meet new people and make new friends. Sadly, that was not enough to save the night. He rattled on about the most inane things and I must deserve a Golden Globe cos he wasn't aware of the glazed look in my eyes.
When he asked if I was seeing anyone, I invented a boyfriend on the spot to put him off. Thankfully, I had made other plans with my friends and used that as an excuse to ditch him at the end of dinner.
It's bad enough that I have to resort to such tactics... Or that I would accept a date with a bore. But sadly, you can't tell if someone is going to be a bore till you go out with them. My advice (and I do follow it closely!) is to have an escape plan built into a date. Get your friends to call you after say 3 hours into the date. If all's going well, you don't have to ditch him/her. If not, you can use that call as an excuse to leave.
This saves you from having to endure any more drivel and of course, preserves his dignity at the same time. (I don't think I'm callous enough to tell him he's a bore straight to his face). He/she should get the hint after you've rejected subsequent attempts to go out on dates with you.
Met this guy at an exhibition and agreed to go out for dinner with him on Friday. First of all, I must state that I wasn't the least attracted to him, but I thought it would be nice meet new people and make new friends. Sadly, that was not enough to save the night. He rattled on about the most inane things and I must deserve a Golden Globe cos he wasn't aware of the glazed look in my eyes.
When he asked if I was seeing anyone, I invented a boyfriend on the spot to put him off. Thankfully, I had made other plans with my friends and used that as an excuse to ditch him at the end of dinner.
It's bad enough that I have to resort to such tactics... Or that I would accept a date with a bore. But sadly, you can't tell if someone is going to be a bore till you go out with them. My advice (and I do follow it closely!) is to have an escape plan built into a date. Get your friends to call you after say 3 hours into the date. If all's going well, you don't have to ditch him/her. If not, you can use that call as an excuse to leave.
This saves you from having to endure any more drivel and of course, preserves his dignity at the same time. (I don't think I'm callous enough to tell him he's a bore straight to his face). He/she should get the hint after you've rejected subsequent attempts to go out on dates with you.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Flu Induced Misery
I have succumbed to the flu bug. Last night I was singing and in the final set was barely croaking in tune to the songs. It felt as if someone was scraping my vocal chords with a dozen sharp knives. Thankfully my pianist was such a sweetie, he saved me by playing long solos and a few instrumentals.
I'm off the hook for the rest of the week - unfortunately I get lots of pay docked for not singing. But what can ya do? Hopefully, my voice has enough time to rest. I've been medicating on NyQuil and DayQuil (hooray for strong drugs!) - that seems to help quell the symptoms but I just want to stay in bed all day. :(
Other miseries to share include having to see the ex at an exhibition. I don't know why, I thought I was completely over it but that just brought on a sudden bout of depression. I let myself have a good cry (get it over and done with) and wrote more soppy lyrics. You will hear it when I put music to words.
I don't think I would be upset if it weren't for the flu bug. There - blame it on that silly virus. It's gotta be good for something after all.
As a sucker for punishment, I am going out for alcoholic drinks with my 'big brother'. I need a stiff one. (By that I mean a stiff drink, you know who you are!!!)
I'm off the hook for the rest of the week - unfortunately I get lots of pay docked for not singing. But what can ya do? Hopefully, my voice has enough time to rest. I've been medicating on NyQuil and DayQuil (hooray for strong drugs!) - that seems to help quell the symptoms but I just want to stay in bed all day. :(
Other miseries to share include having to see the ex at an exhibition. I don't know why, I thought I was completely over it but that just brought on a sudden bout of depression. I let myself have a good cry (get it over and done with) and wrote more soppy lyrics. You will hear it when I put music to words.
I don't think I would be upset if it weren't for the flu bug. There - blame it on that silly virus. It's gotta be good for something after all.
As a sucker for punishment, I am going out for alcoholic drinks with my 'big brother'. I need a stiff one. (By that I mean a stiff drink, you know who you are!!!)
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Fiona Apple
Fiona Apple has done it again - another brilliant album (Extraordinary Machine) with excellent lyrics. This new album apparently has been produced twice over. The version in stores is the one produced by Mike Elizondo. But prior to the store release, some one had leaked a pre-mastered copy, that was supposedly produced by Jon Brion (you can search for downloads). Whichever version you have heard or preferred, the beautiful words of Fiona's heartbreak and angst just strikes a chord in me. (She had written this album after her recent breakup). And so, here's the lyrics from one of my favourite songs from this new album. Pretty much sums up my own feelings too.
Oh Well
What you did to me made me see myself something different
And though I try to talk sense to myself but I just won’t listen
Won’t you go away, turn yourself in
You’re no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself something awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up
The first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back and now it seems
I’ve been out-bidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil with a cryptic word
And leave a love belittled
What a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
Oh well
My other favourites are Tymps (the sick in the head song) and Parting Gift. Go check it out.
Oh Well
What you did to me made me see myself something different
And though I try to talk sense to myself but I just won’t listen
Won’t you go away, turn yourself in
You’re no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself something awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up
The first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back and now it seems
I’ve been out-bidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil with a cryptic word
And leave a love belittled
What a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
Oh well
My other favourites are Tymps (the sick in the head song) and Parting Gift. Go check it out.
Mixed Feelings About Plan B
I could be playing World of Warcraft (WoW) or reading my stock of novels, but I feel in an introspective mood today and have this need to pen some of my thoughts.
Singing
I got a call from a fairly well known local singer today, she said she would come down to listen to me, give a little support and all. Of course through all the musings of Plan B, I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing by ditching the singing thing so early in the game. The past month has been good training for me. I've been forced to learn new songs, cos I'm sick of singing the same thing all the time. And I'm mortified every time someone asks me for a request and I don't know it (or rather, I haven't memorised the words!).
But I've recognised that I enjoy attention but I don't quite know how to generate that stage presence. Maybe it's just the place that I'm singing in - it doesn't quite inspire me to want to bother sometimes. And sometimes, it's a pain playing with just the piano accompaniment. It gets stale and boring and the pianist is rather lazy too - he's just doing it as a job, and I don't feel the love of music from him. I think I've been spoiled, cos up to now, I've played with pretty talented and dedicated musicians!
Am I throwing in the towel too soon? After all this is the first full time gig I got. I didn't expect it to be a bed of roses and I know I have to pay my dues so to speak. But is this really the best way to go? Am I good enough or will I always be second rate or relegated to be anonymous and sing at hotel lounges where no one really listens? Even if I made it to a recording, would it be a back shelf type CD? My family seems to think I should only do this for 1-2 years and in that sentiment, it's almost as if they expect me to not make it. My friends are nothing but supportive but I'm not sure if that's their honest opinion or just them being friends and giving the necessary support. I need an honest (industry) opinion about my options here and the feasibility of going on.
Moving Away
I'm excited about the thought of starting fresh. New everything, real independence and all. In a sense, it is a form of escapism. Forget the complications of family, ex-es, and whatever other shit I feel I need to leave behind. Naturally, the question comes about: Am I really doing the right thing?
Reasons for moving
Singing
I got a call from a fairly well known local singer today, she said she would come down to listen to me, give a little support and all. Of course through all the musings of Plan B, I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing by ditching the singing thing so early in the game. The past month has been good training for me. I've been forced to learn new songs, cos I'm sick of singing the same thing all the time. And I'm mortified every time someone asks me for a request and I don't know it (or rather, I haven't memorised the words!).
But I've recognised that I enjoy attention but I don't quite know how to generate that stage presence. Maybe it's just the place that I'm singing in - it doesn't quite inspire me to want to bother sometimes. And sometimes, it's a pain playing with just the piano accompaniment. It gets stale and boring and the pianist is rather lazy too - he's just doing it as a job, and I don't feel the love of music from him. I think I've been spoiled, cos up to now, I've played with pretty talented and dedicated musicians!
Am I throwing in the towel too soon? After all this is the first full time gig I got. I didn't expect it to be a bed of roses and I know I have to pay my dues so to speak. But is this really the best way to go? Am I good enough or will I always be second rate or relegated to be anonymous and sing at hotel lounges where no one really listens? Even if I made it to a recording, would it be a back shelf type CD? My family seems to think I should only do this for 1-2 years and in that sentiment, it's almost as if they expect me to not make it. My friends are nothing but supportive but I'm not sure if that's their honest opinion or just them being friends and giving the necessary support. I need an honest (industry) opinion about my options here and the feasibility of going on.
Moving Away
I'm excited about the thought of starting fresh. New everything, real independence and all. In a sense, it is a form of escapism. Forget the complications of family, ex-es, and whatever other shit I feel I need to leave behind. Naturally, the question comes about: Am I really doing the right thing?
Reasons for moving
- I feel stifled here and want to be in a place where there are more possibilities
- Feel the need to be independent and step out of my comfort zone. Often feel that with a network of family and friends, it's so easy to take it easy and not strive so hard.
- Feel the need to get away from old hurts and painful associations
- I feel bad about leaving my mom here (but she has my brother to keep her company for now)
- There may be good opportunities in the Arts / Music scene in Singapore, especially with the Integrated Resorts (Casinos) coming. If I leave, I may miss out on being in the forefront of that, and/or miss out on building important networks and connections. Saying that, it will be a while before the IRs will be complete (at least 2 years). So this still remains to be seen. Networks can be quickly built again, the music industry here is pretty small.
- I have a good network and understanding of things here - e.g. if I injure myself, I know where to go to get it fixed. If I need to get ABC, I know where to go to get it. Or I know who to call to get help from.
The reasons for leaving are all about emotions. Emotions are stronger and usually can overcome rational thinking (in my case, it probably is very much true). I'm afraid that I'm not doing it for the right reasons and that even if I leave, I may not solve any of my issues anyway.
So while I have taken the step to find full time employment again, I am doubting whether it's the right tack to take. Friends say just get a job first and then decide later whether you want that or not. Fair enough. That still mandates a choice between singing and getting a job so that I can move. The ideal situation would be of course to have a (dossy) full time job here in Singapore that pays well, and leaves me time to sing about 3-4 nights a week on a regular basis.
Oh well, I have till January to look for something suitable.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Plan B
It's really Plan B, C & D!
In the past 2 weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't want to be in Singapore anymore. I feel cooped up, sheltered and somewhat smothered. I'm confused about who I am, what I really want, where I'm going, and what I'm supposed to do in this lifetime. And I really feel the need to get away from everything, the family, the ex, the "I'm not sure where I'm headed in my life" feeling, and go and find myself. I know, it's a cliche, but I can't think of any other way to put it.
It's great to get paid to do what I like to do, but already within this first month of doing it full time, I've discovered that I don't really like singing to unappreciative audiences. Oh you do get a few who do, and that's always nice - I do try to sing to them. It could be just 'starting out' nerves, where I'm not sure that I'm doing okay. And again, I realise that I'd love to be singing in a bar, where people actually come to hear you sing. Maybe it's the need to be 'famous' or 'appreciated' but there you go.
With all that, I came up with Plan UK 2006 / Canada 2007
Canada 2007
We have to start with Canada 2007. Initially, this started because one of my dreams is to do a ski season, but I know I didn't want to just ski and do nothing, but to really get into the life of someone who works in the ski resorts. Tried looking into working holiday type programmes, but there were none for Singaporeans. Then my friend suggested that I look into applying for Permanent Residency. Looked it up and realised that I do qualify for it, I just lack 1) French certification and 2) Funds for moving (CAD 10,500 or so).
Naturally, one does not know how long I need to wait to get the PR status. It could be anthing from 3 months to 3 years (according to the Canada Immigration website). Hence...
UK 2006
In my desperation to get away, I discovered that the UK's working holiday visa has extended the age limit of holiday makers to 30. Which I will hit soon enough. This gives me a definite timeline to work towards. Therefore, in the interim, I can go live and work in London which was something that I did want to do as well. Not as much as my ski season but I have enough friends living in London that it's not a bad interim option.
Obviously after spending a year dithering around, I don't have much savings left (I'm amazed if the banks will even loan me any more money). After talking to my friends, the fastest way to get it is to go back to a full time job and save like crazy. SG15,000 or so isn't that difficult to save up. So now, I'm looking for a full time job in the one thing that I didn't want to continue doing - HR. Saying that, I'm sure I can find something within the 5-7k a month job. If that happens, I will be outta here in 8 months. I've already contacted several recruitment firms, and I have lined up an interview or two.
There you have it, Plan B. Will it work? Is it enough to get this lazy procrastinator off her arse? Find out more in the next installment...
In the past 2 weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I didn't want to be in Singapore anymore. I feel cooped up, sheltered and somewhat smothered. I'm confused about who I am, what I really want, where I'm going, and what I'm supposed to do in this lifetime. And I really feel the need to get away from everything, the family, the ex, the "I'm not sure where I'm headed in my life" feeling, and go and find myself. I know, it's a cliche, but I can't think of any other way to put it.
It's great to get paid to do what I like to do, but already within this first month of doing it full time, I've discovered that I don't really like singing to unappreciative audiences. Oh you do get a few who do, and that's always nice - I do try to sing to them. It could be just 'starting out' nerves, where I'm not sure that I'm doing okay. And again, I realise that I'd love to be singing in a bar, where people actually come to hear you sing. Maybe it's the need to be 'famous' or 'appreciated' but there you go.
With all that, I came up with Plan UK 2006 / Canada 2007
Canada 2007
We have to start with Canada 2007. Initially, this started because one of my dreams is to do a ski season, but I know I didn't want to just ski and do nothing, but to really get into the life of someone who works in the ski resorts. Tried looking into working holiday type programmes, but there were none for Singaporeans. Then my friend suggested that I look into applying for Permanent Residency. Looked it up and realised that I do qualify for it, I just lack 1) French certification and 2) Funds for moving (CAD 10,500 or so).
Naturally, one does not know how long I need to wait to get the PR status. It could be anthing from 3 months to 3 years (according to the Canada Immigration website). Hence...
UK 2006
In my desperation to get away, I discovered that the UK's working holiday visa has extended the age limit of holiday makers to 30. Which I will hit soon enough. This gives me a definite timeline to work towards. Therefore, in the interim, I can go live and work in London which was something that I did want to do as well. Not as much as my ski season but I have enough friends living in London that it's not a bad interim option.
Obviously after spending a year dithering around, I don't have much savings left (I'm amazed if the banks will even loan me any more money). After talking to my friends, the fastest way to get it is to go back to a full time job and save like crazy. SG15,000 or so isn't that difficult to save up. So now, I'm looking for a full time job in the one thing that I didn't want to continue doing - HR. Saying that, I'm sure I can find something within the 5-7k a month job. If that happens, I will be outta here in 8 months. I've already contacted several recruitment firms, and I have lined up an interview or two.
There you have it, Plan B. Will it work? Is it enough to get this lazy procrastinator off her arse? Find out more in the next installment...
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Weekend in KL
We had a pretty exciting start to our weekend up in KL. I went with Pastry, and 2 other girl friends. Unfortunately, getting Pastry out of his place was an adventure in itself. His phone was turned off and security was tight. After pleading with the higher powers (aka the cleaners), I managed to get into his place and rouse him out of bed. Obviously he had a good night in!!!
In any case, we started the drive up to KL at about 8am. A third into the journey, I got stopped for speeding by the Malaysian police. They wanted 'kopi money' (aka bribes) and my friend tried to bargain it down, but he was pretty insistent. RM50 was the 'going rate' for Singaporean cars after all. When I handed him the money, he took it furtively. Bloody hypocrite - as if the other officers didn't know and weren't doing the same!!!
After paying the 'fine', I decided that I had a good right to speed - I'd paid for it after all!!! To make up time, I didn't make a pit stop and drove straight on. First time I'd ever done that. Made it to KL in 3.5 hours (about 140-150km/h)!
Most of the weekend was spent eating! We ate from one meal to the next. Nothing was spared. Bak Kut Teh (Pork Rib Soup), Cinnabuns (I used to walk all the way from my office on 31st & 9th to the 42nd Street bus station in NYC to get my Cinnabuns), Assam laksa, penang fried kway teow, and so on. It was fun introducing Pastry to all these dishes. Watching his reaction to Durian ice cream was simply too hilarious.
Of course I taught them how to play 'Chor Dai Di' or 'Big Two' after dinner. It was Pastry's introduction to this old card game and one of the girls had not played it before. For beginners, they seemed to know how to play pretty well. I think I got hustled.
Anyway - left the girls who claimed they were tired, and Pastry and I went out bar hopping. Started at Zouk, moved to Poppy's walked to 12SI and then back to Rum Jungle. Music wasn't bad but the strobe lights were terrible. Also, I guess it would have been better with more of us partying. In any case we stayed out late dancing and didn't get to sleep till 4am. And yes, that's all we did, though not for lack of trying. If I had a colour that weekend, it would be purple.
The next day, the girls let us sleep in and we decided to do a spot of shopping and then drive down to Melaka for tea before driving back to SG. Thought we'd give Pastry a little more to look at than shopping centres. The drive was another adventure. We'd missed the turning to Melaka, but made the next exit. At the toll booths, they told us we could drive to Melaka without turning back onto the highway and we thought - Okay, let's just take the 'small roads'. Unfortunately, they were not well sign-posted. What should have been a quick 20 minute drive turned out to be a 1.5 hour drive to get into Melaka. By this time, yours truly was pretty frustrated and well annoyed. I hate being lost and not knowing where to go especially when there was a 'plan' to follow. We had to stop and ask for directions 3 times and finally a kindly motorcyclist told us to follow him into the Pusat Bandaraya (City Centre).
By the time we got into Melaka, it was time for dinner. I introduced everyone to Ah Lau's, a famous Teochew restaurant and we had a really good dinner there (suckling pig, yam paste, steamed fish, oyster noodles). Unfortunately it was also expensive and being the end of the trip, we had run out of money. Another adventure to go grab some cash (the ATMs nearby didn't accept our cards!!!) but it all turned out okay in the end. Visited a couple more places and then it was time to head back to Singapore.
Driving back was slightly more stressful as it was dark, raining and there were idiots driving on the roads. But I managed to make it back within 2 hours and not get caught for speeding. Hah. That's cos I know where the speed traps were on the way back. They always set up in the same places, to 'get' the Singaporean drivers before they get home.
Reached home at midnight and was too tired to do anything but to flop on my bed and say goodbye to my last free weekend for the next 3 months.
In any case, we started the drive up to KL at about 8am. A third into the journey, I got stopped for speeding by the Malaysian police. They wanted 'kopi money' (aka bribes) and my friend tried to bargain it down, but he was pretty insistent. RM50 was the 'going rate' for Singaporean cars after all. When I handed him the money, he took it furtively. Bloody hypocrite - as if the other officers didn't know and weren't doing the same!!!
After paying the 'fine', I decided that I had a good right to speed - I'd paid for it after all!!! To make up time, I didn't make a pit stop and drove straight on. First time I'd ever done that. Made it to KL in 3.5 hours (about 140-150km/h)!
Most of the weekend was spent eating! We ate from one meal to the next. Nothing was spared. Bak Kut Teh (Pork Rib Soup), Cinnabuns (I used to walk all the way from my office on 31st & 9th to the 42nd Street bus station in NYC to get my Cinnabuns), Assam laksa, penang fried kway teow, and so on. It was fun introducing Pastry to all these dishes. Watching his reaction to Durian ice cream was simply too hilarious.
Of course I taught them how to play 'Chor Dai Di' or 'Big Two' after dinner. It was Pastry's introduction to this old card game and one of the girls had not played it before. For beginners, they seemed to know how to play pretty well. I think I got hustled.
Anyway - left the girls who claimed they were tired, and Pastry and I went out bar hopping. Started at Zouk, moved to Poppy's walked to 12SI and then back to Rum Jungle. Music wasn't bad but the strobe lights were terrible. Also, I guess it would have been better with more of us partying. In any case we stayed out late dancing and didn't get to sleep till 4am. And yes, that's all we did, though not for lack of trying. If I had a colour that weekend, it would be purple.
The next day, the girls let us sleep in and we decided to do a spot of shopping and then drive down to Melaka for tea before driving back to SG. Thought we'd give Pastry a little more to look at than shopping centres. The drive was another adventure. We'd missed the turning to Melaka, but made the next exit. At the toll booths, they told us we could drive to Melaka without turning back onto the highway and we thought - Okay, let's just take the 'small roads'. Unfortunately, they were not well sign-posted. What should have been a quick 20 minute drive turned out to be a 1.5 hour drive to get into Melaka. By this time, yours truly was pretty frustrated and well annoyed. I hate being lost and not knowing where to go especially when there was a 'plan' to follow. We had to stop and ask for directions 3 times and finally a kindly motorcyclist told us to follow him into the Pusat Bandaraya (City Centre).
By the time we got into Melaka, it was time for dinner. I introduced everyone to Ah Lau's, a famous Teochew restaurant and we had a really good dinner there (suckling pig, yam paste, steamed fish, oyster noodles). Unfortunately it was also expensive and being the end of the trip, we had run out of money. Another adventure to go grab some cash (the ATMs nearby didn't accept our cards!!!) but it all turned out okay in the end. Visited a couple more places and then it was time to head back to Singapore.
Driving back was slightly more stressful as it was dark, raining and there were idiots driving on the roads. But I managed to make it back within 2 hours and not get caught for speeding. Hah. That's cos I know where the speed traps were on the way back. They always set up in the same places, to 'get' the Singaporean drivers before they get home.
Reached home at midnight and was too tired to do anything but to flop on my bed and say goodbye to my last free weekend for the next 3 months.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Soulmate Theory
In my search for "The One", I've had quite a few discussions and friendly debates with friends. To date, here are the main theories or hypotheses that we've gathered so far:
I've reproduced a couple of the theories here for those who are too lazy to click on the links:
Our amalgated wisdom of #1, 5 and 6 would fall under this theory. #2 and 3 would fall under the Work-It-Out Theory and #4 is just a statistical statement but may also fall under Work-It-Out.
I guess I subscribe to most of the Soulmate Theory - I'm the eternal optimist eh? Except the point where finding the right person is the most important factor. I'd recognise that effort plays a part as well. But that depends on the last point on whether people can and are willing to 'change' or compromise a little.
There's an almost blind faith that there's someone out there for me and I just have to find the person. Of course there are days when doubts seep in and I wonder - is there really such a thing as a 'soulmate' or 'The One'? What if it's just an ideal that's not real or feasible? Are we asking for too much? Did I read too many romances and subscribe to the 'Hollywood' version of love?
Should we 'settle'? Statistics show that many people marry or settle down with the person they are when they are ready to settle down, not because of any great love story. I know well enough not to look for the idealised / perfect person but is it too much asking for 95% or damn well close enough for me?
A good guy friend pointed this out:
People who believe in soulmates are setting themselves up for disappointment / failure.
When a person's attitude towards love and personal happiness is dependent on finding 'the one', and if it doesn't happen, they are crushed and affects the rest of their self-esteem, etc. He thinks that the concept of 'The One' also precludes them from enjoying the moment and appreciating what they have at the moment.
It's an interesting point of view and I can see where he's coming from but I guess for me, hope springs eternal.
- You have 6 soulmates out there in the world. You just need to find them.
- There are people who are right for you at your current state in life (e.g. someone you might go out with at college may be very different from someone you might fancy while working or when you're 40).
- There are no such thing as a soulmate. You find someone compatible and you work at it.
- Finding someone is a numbers game.
- Finding your soulmate is up to destiny / fate / the higher powers.
- You find love when you least expect it. (high incidences of this happening among my circle of friends)
I've reproduced a couple of the theories here for those who are too lazy to click on the links:
| Soulmate Theory | Work-It-Out Theory |
| There is one (or very few) right person(s) for me. | There are many people with whom I can be happy with. |
| Love is discovered. | Love is built over time. |
| The right person is ideal or close to perfect for me. | Person is not expected to be a perfect fit. |
| Finding the right person is the most important factor in a successful relationship. | Effort is the most important factor. |
| Passion is of great importance. | Passion is relatively unimportant. |
| People are hard to change. | People can change. |
Our amalgated wisdom of #1, 5 and 6 would fall under this theory. #2 and 3 would fall under the Work-It-Out Theory and #4 is just a statistical statement but may also fall under Work-It-Out.
I guess I subscribe to most of the Soulmate Theory - I'm the eternal optimist eh? Except the point where finding the right person is the most important factor. I'd recognise that effort plays a part as well. But that depends on the last point on whether people can and are willing to 'change' or compromise a little.
There's an almost blind faith that there's someone out there for me and I just have to find the person. Of course there are days when doubts seep in and I wonder - is there really such a thing as a 'soulmate' or 'The One'? What if it's just an ideal that's not real or feasible? Are we asking for too much? Did I read too many romances and subscribe to the 'Hollywood' version of love?
Should we 'settle'? Statistics show that many people marry or settle down with the person they are when they are ready to settle down, not because of any great love story. I know well enough not to look for the idealised / perfect person but is it too much asking for 95% or damn well close enough for me?
A good guy friend pointed this out:
People who believe in soulmates are setting themselves up for disappointment / failure.
When a person's attitude towards love and personal happiness is dependent on finding 'the one', and if it doesn't happen, they are crushed and affects the rest of their self-esteem, etc. He thinks that the concept of 'The One' also precludes them from enjoying the moment and appreciating what they have at the moment.
It's an interesting point of view and I can see where he's coming from but I guess for me, hope springs eternal.
New Job & Weekend Trip
Yes! I finally got a 3 month contract, at a good hotel where I will perform 6 nights a week, except for Monday night off. I can't wait - at least it's stable money, which I do need.
It's great news, but that means that all my weekends are gone. Kaput. Thankfully, I don't start till next week, so I have one last weekend before I have to kiss my social life goodbye. So I've planned a weekend trip up to KL with a few friends and Pastry.
Ooh yeah. I get to open up my car, put the metal to the pedal and give the car a good run. I adore driving, and I get to shop, party and spend a weekend with my friends and a gorgeous guy. Definitely looking forward to it!
(It does make up for having to deal with the ex, no?)
It's great news, but that means that all my weekends are gone. Kaput. Thankfully, I don't start till next week, so I have one last weekend before I have to kiss my social life goodbye. So I've planned a weekend trip up to KL with a few friends and Pastry.
Ooh yeah. I get to open up my car, put the metal to the pedal and give the car a good run. I adore driving, and I get to shop, party and spend a weekend with my friends and a gorgeous guy. Definitely looking forward to it!
(It does make up for having to deal with the ex, no?)
Computer Woes - A Bridge Towards Friendship
My laptop went whoosh on me. Yup, it died - or rather, the hard drive crashed or failed to boot up. (I know it sounds geeky, sorry - I probably am, just a tad). I knew it was the hard drive cos it makes this "whirry" sound when it starts up and I didn't hear squat. Panic time. I had not backed up my files recently and my whole life was practically on that damn laptop.
Now if you didn't already know, the ex is a computer whiz. Naturally he was the first one I thought of to go to for help. But me being "Not Ready" to talk to him yet, tried to get around this by calling other people for help. The service centre wanted to charge me $100 just to diagnose the problem. The data recovery centre wanted a minimum of $400 (it could go up to $3,000 they said) to get back my data from the wonky hard disk. No way was I going to pay that without seeing if I could get it done for next to nothing.
At least, nothing except pride and any other feelings that have not yet surfaced.
I thought long and hard about it. I did want to get back in touch and remain friends but our last meeting was pretty awkward. I miss him as a friend, someone to ask advice of, but I didn't want him to get any wrong ideas either. I also didn't know how to react around him. How do you behave around someone who was your lover and closest friend to someone who's not quite that anymore? I roughly knew what I wanted from him as a friend but I didn't know if that was possible or if that was what he wanted as well. To sum it up, I was pretty much clueless.
But I rationalised that this would be a pretty good bridge to make our way back to being friends, which I do want. If it went well, then we would have made our first step in reconnecting. We'd have to learn to connect in a different way, without the emotional / relationship issues coming back in. If it didn't turn out well, then I know that we would never be friends, not the way I'd like to.
After all that rationalisation (and a few chats with friends), I said what the hell, SMSed him and asked for help. I left it open ended so that it didn't sound as if he had to help me. In any case, he came through. My faith in him as a computer whiz was justified. He managed to recover my data for which I am very very grateful.
It was slightly awkward but I think we both unconsciously chose to pretend as if we were good friends and didn't have a past relationship between us. It was pretty much what we used to do, except without the endearments and the emotional stuff that comes with a relationship. It was hard for me, seeing him at his place and it hit me that I can't quite do some things that I used to do (like lie on the bed, sit close to him). At some points when I was reminded of what we had and what I loved about him, I had to bite my lips real hard to keep from crying. But I managed it, and I did it without betraying (I hope) that some part of me inside still hurts. I broke down in the car, but there no one sees it.
In any case, I'm proud of myself. For me, it took a lot of courage to make the first move, ask him for help and more, to meet him at his place. It was about putting my feelings aside. Recognising them, understanding them, but being able to put them aside for that period where I had to deal with the situation at hand. I'm proud of the fact that I used the opportunity, instead of letting it slide. Heaven knows when I would be 'ready' (knowing my procrastinating self). And maybe my courage might have failed me later in the day, or it might be a case of - well, it's been so long, there's no point really. And that would really be a loss, to both of us. We still have lots to give as friends and I don't doubt that the road back to friendship would be awkward and rocky. But we're on the way. And I took that first step.
Okay, now I need a drink.
Now if you didn't already know, the ex is a computer whiz. Naturally he was the first one I thought of to go to for help. But me being "Not Ready" to talk to him yet, tried to get around this by calling other people for help. The service centre wanted to charge me $100 just to diagnose the problem. The data recovery centre wanted a minimum of $400 (it could go up to $3,000 they said) to get back my data from the wonky hard disk. No way was I going to pay that without seeing if I could get it done for next to nothing.
At least, nothing except pride and any other feelings that have not yet surfaced.
I thought long and hard about it. I did want to get back in touch and remain friends but our last meeting was pretty awkward. I miss him as a friend, someone to ask advice of, but I didn't want him to get any wrong ideas either. I also didn't know how to react around him. How do you behave around someone who was your lover and closest friend to someone who's not quite that anymore? I roughly knew what I wanted from him as a friend but I didn't know if that was possible or if that was what he wanted as well. To sum it up, I was pretty much clueless.
But I rationalised that this would be a pretty good bridge to make our way back to being friends, which I do want. If it went well, then we would have made our first step in reconnecting. We'd have to learn to connect in a different way, without the emotional / relationship issues coming back in. If it didn't turn out well, then I know that we would never be friends, not the way I'd like to.
After all that rationalisation (and a few chats with friends), I said what the hell, SMSed him and asked for help. I left it open ended so that it didn't sound as if he had to help me. In any case, he came through. My faith in him as a computer whiz was justified. He managed to recover my data for which I am very very grateful.
It was slightly awkward but I think we both unconsciously chose to pretend as if we were good friends and didn't have a past relationship between us. It was pretty much what we used to do, except without the endearments and the emotional stuff that comes with a relationship. It was hard for me, seeing him at his place and it hit me that I can't quite do some things that I used to do (like lie on the bed, sit close to him). At some points when I was reminded of what we had and what I loved about him, I had to bite my lips real hard to keep from crying. But I managed it, and I did it without betraying (I hope) that some part of me inside still hurts. I broke down in the car, but there no one sees it.
In any case, I'm proud of myself. For me, it took a lot of courage to make the first move, ask him for help and more, to meet him at his place. It was about putting my feelings aside. Recognising them, understanding them, but being able to put them aside for that period where I had to deal with the situation at hand. I'm proud of the fact that I used the opportunity, instead of letting it slide. Heaven knows when I would be 'ready' (knowing my procrastinating self). And maybe my courage might have failed me later in the day, or it might be a case of - well, it's been so long, there's no point really. And that would really be a loss, to both of us. We still have lots to give as friends and I don't doubt that the road back to friendship would be awkward and rocky. But we're on the way. And I took that first step.
Okay, now I need a drink.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Quick thoughts
All of a sudden, I'm thinking about the ex again. Not obsessing over the meeting, but rather thinking of being friends and how I feel as if I've lost a really good friend. I still miss the things we do together and sometimes I think he's still one of the best people to get advice from (when he's with us on earth and listening).
I don't know if I'm ready or not to deal with him as a friend, because comparisons will invariably be made. I don't know how to deal with things like touching and hugging him. What if we get weak? What if either of us misconstrues the other? What if I'm still emotionally attached? If I'm asking this question and having doubts, I probably still am.
Sometimes I think it's silly that these small things are so big. When you look back upon it in a few years time, or if you look upon it from the larger scheme of things, it's not really all that significant at all. I will not let this get me down again. I've spent too much time there, and I know I'm a much better person than this.
Life goes on but I really could use a good friend like him back in my life.
I don't know if I'm ready or not to deal with him as a friend, because comparisons will invariably be made. I don't know how to deal with things like touching and hugging him. What if we get weak? What if either of us misconstrues the other? What if I'm still emotionally attached? If I'm asking this question and having doubts, I probably still am.
Sometimes I think it's silly that these small things are so big. When you look back upon it in a few years time, or if you look upon it from the larger scheme of things, it's not really all that significant at all. I will not let this get me down again. I've spent too much time there, and I know I'm a much better person than this.
Life goes on but I really could use a good friend like him back in my life.
Friday, September 30, 2005
The Meeting
Well... it finally happened. I met my ex today for the first time in ages, completely by accident. On a Friday night. At Ikea of all places. I looked like shit - in my jeans and ratty shirt, no makeup on either. ARGH.
Why couldn't I have met him when I was with Pastry or at least when I was looking slightly more glamorous?? ARGH.
It was meant to be a quick hit and run at Ikea, running an errand with my best friend (affectionately known as Rabbit). Which is why I didn't bother with my appearances. Who'd have thought that he would be there?!?! I spotted a mutual friend S, and he literally sprang up when I said "Hi". I think I must have had a shocked look on my face and inwardly went "Oh, NO!".
Considering that we hadn't spoken to each other in person or even on the phone since we broke up, it was pretty awkward. I left it to my best friend and S to keep the conversation going. Rabbit says he couldn't look me in the eye; in any case, he and S left quickly after. To think I was considering extending the olive branch, to try to be friends. Rabbit says, What for? He's been a complete bastard to you, so there's no point. Of course I feel differently, but I love her for saying it anyway. Makes me feel better about myself and the whole stupid situation.
Well, what's done is done. I'll try not to obsess too much about it. I've got a date with Pastry tomorrow. And I'm also helping out at the International Beer and Wine Fair - sampling wines during the day and they also promised me a free case of wine for helping out! Woo!!! Sounds like lots of fun - I'm looking forward to that already! No obsessing...
Why couldn't I have met him when I was with Pastry or at least when I was looking slightly more glamorous?? ARGH.
It was meant to be a quick hit and run at Ikea, running an errand with my best friend (affectionately known as Rabbit). Which is why I didn't bother with my appearances. Who'd have thought that he would be there?!?! I spotted a mutual friend S, and he literally sprang up when I said "Hi". I think I must have had a shocked look on my face and inwardly went "Oh, NO!".
Considering that we hadn't spoken to each other in person or even on the phone since we broke up, it was pretty awkward. I left it to my best friend and S to keep the conversation going. Rabbit says he couldn't look me in the eye; in any case, he and S left quickly after. To think I was considering extending the olive branch, to try to be friends. Rabbit says, What for? He's been a complete bastard to you, so there's no point. Of course I feel differently, but I love her for saying it anyway. Makes me feel better about myself and the whole stupid situation.
Well, what's done is done. I'll try not to obsess too much about it. I've got a date with Pastry tomorrow. And I'm also helping out at the International Beer and Wine Fair - sampling wines during the day and they also promised me a free case of wine for helping out! Woo!!! Sounds like lots of fun - I'm looking forward to that already! No obsessing...
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Tardiness & Me
Yes I'm tardy. I.e. Late. As are most Singaporeans. I blame my lack of self control. I blame my parents, who always thought it was okay to leave the house the same time as when the appointment or date is due.
I was late to drinks with my friends and was made to pay for a round of drinks, which I guess I sorely deserve. If only I had more self control, self discipline when it comes to time.
Anyway - met up with SH and Jeff, whom I hadn't seen for a while. They grilled me about Pastry, having heard through the grapevine that I had a new Distraction.
We had a great time comparing stories and stuff, and I grew more blatant and asked Pastry out for supper. Sadly, he didn't take the hint and declined the invitation. His loss I guess. Then I flirted with my good friend. Oh dear. Am I drunk? Guess I'm slightly tipsy. :)
Drove home but the drive was too short. I turned around, went to the airport, but that was still not enough. I turned back to town but there was nothing going on, so I turned around and went back home again. How sad, when we planned to go out to Mambo as Zouk was closing for renovations.
Anyway - I will try to not be as late the next time. Save me some $$$ when it comes to buying rounds.
Off to bed now - good night guys!
I was late to drinks with my friends and was made to pay for a round of drinks, which I guess I sorely deserve. If only I had more self control, self discipline when it comes to time.
Anyway - met up with SH and Jeff, whom I hadn't seen for a while. They grilled me about Pastry, having heard through the grapevine that I had a new Distraction.
We had a great time comparing stories and stuff, and I grew more blatant and asked Pastry out for supper. Sadly, he didn't take the hint and declined the invitation. His loss I guess. Then I flirted with my good friend. Oh dear. Am I drunk? Guess I'm slightly tipsy. :)
Drove home but the drive was too short. I turned around, went to the airport, but that was still not enough. I turned back to town but there was nothing going on, so I turned around and went back home again. How sad, when we planned to go out to Mambo as Zouk was closing for renovations.
Anyway - I will try to not be as late the next time. Save me some $$$ when it comes to buying rounds.
Off to bed now - good night guys!
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Update
It's been exactly one month since my last post and obviously quite a few things have happened. I realise that there's no way to complete the update chronologically, so this is just going to be divvyed up in sections. It won't be short! You have been warned.
Friends
I got to know some friends a little better and I can say that's all good. J and I spent a whole day just relaxing and we just clicked really well. If you're reading this J - thanks for spending all that time with me man. I loved it. We were meant to take up belly dancing class but the studio that we looked at kept calling us 2-3 days before the class is meant to start. I mean, come on - that's way too short a notice! Anyway, I will make my rants be known and if they still continue that, it's time to find a different studio.
Men In My Life (1)
To distract myself earlier in August, I had been actively filling up every meal slot and night time activities, shamelessly asking myself out to friends' parties and organising drinks /dinner at the drop of a hat.
That's where I met this guy, we shall just call him Pastry. One of my good guy friends knew I was down and invited me to a house party. Pastry is an exchange student, someone he met from overseas. He's cute in a very boyish way, but that didn't appeal to me. Mainly because I didn't think of it, secondly because he was younger than me and thirdly because well... I was still getting over the ex. We chatted, I got really drunk that night but no, nothing happened. Did my chaffeuring duties (I was sober by that time), went home and thought nothing of it.
Then the same friend invited me again to another house party, and you guessed it - Pastry was there as well. The host proceeded to throw really good shit down our throats and the conversation was flowing. Before we knew it, we were chucked out of the house, only because the host had to leave early for a weekend trip away. Not knowing where to go, and having chaffeuring duties again, I drove my friends home, Pastry being the last of them I sent home.
Now I'm having a fling with a younger man and it's great! Ex-boyfriend? Who's that? *big grin* I'm having a great time with this new guy and it's simple and wonderful. My friends were right - a "Distraction" is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Admittedly, it's a novelty, going out with someone younger than my brother (although my brother has yet to learn of this fact). Judging from Pastry's mature personality, you could never tell. Anyway... I'm just taking this one date at a time. See where it goes, or not. It doesn't matter - that's what flings are about.
*Mental note to self: DO NOT get emotionally attached - he's only the Rebound Guy!*
Men In My Life (2)
This month must be where I have 'boy toy wanted' written on my forehead or something. The younger men are flocking to me. I invited N to one of my performances as I'd caught one of his. We exchanged a few SMSes before, but anyway, the long and short of it is that he came, we chatted, had a few drinks and after that, he propositioned me.
Nice boost to my ego. I can go "Nyah nyah nyah"! I'm still desirable, and to younger men, no less!
I said no to N though. He wasn't my type; not that Pastry is. Thing is, I'd met him at the same party I'd met Pastry, and so they know each other. Also, there's something in me that can't deal with more than 1 guy at a time. I think I'd probably be known as the Serial Monogamist in the parlance of Sex And The City.
So that's that for now. We'll see how things go with Pastry. :) The thing they say about younger men is very true! *grins from ear to ear*
Career, Business & Finances
Looked at my finances and realised shit, I gotta do something - cos I'm broke as hell and owe the banks money. So it's back to the business (I own a home-based business) and my career in the arts.
Career wise, seeing as I did 2 performances, met up with really cool musicians and am on the way to doing a few more, I'm happy but will need greater sustenance in that area. Think I'll call the bars and agents tomorrow. *sigh*
World of Warcraft
This is the main reason why I haven't been blogging. Yes, that's right. I've been spending all my days AND nights playing this MMOPRG (Massive Multi-player Online Role Playing Game to the uninitiated). It's so addictive! I can and have spent 12 hours straight playing WoW. Even now, I'm itching to get back to the game. The only reason why I'm not is because 1. the servers are down for maintenance and well, I felt guilty about neglecting my blog.
If you're reading this and you play WoW, please send tell to Xyleria or Mirye on the Scarlet Crusade server.
Concert & The Ex
Stacy Kent was in Singapore for a concert - and of course I had to go. Her vocals were smooth and her phrasing was impeccable as usual. What really blew me away was her voice control. Amazingly crisp and clean. I want voice control like that.
The fun part was that I found out that my ex was going to be there as well. Naturally I got out my full arsenal - in case he spotted me, he would know exactly what he was missing. Of course, by this time, I'd just gotten involved with Pastry and was on the moon. Even better, being depressed made me eat less. Weight loss + new love interest = I looked superb!
He hadn't seen me, being the blur fuck that he is, but I had spotted him and avoided him like the plague cos I wasn't ready to speak to him yet. (I'm still not ready to speak to him even now). Received a lame ass SMS from him after the concert, which was ambiguous as usual. Suffice to say I responded in a manner to let him know that I wasn't ready to be friends yet.
He's away for the moment; maybe I'll talk to him when he gets back. If I feel like it. We'll see.
In case you're wondering why and haven't read my earlier posts, I'd like to remain friends with my ex. I'm friends with most, if not all of my ex-es.
Friends
I got to know some friends a little better and I can say that's all good. J and I spent a whole day just relaxing and we just clicked really well. If you're reading this J - thanks for spending all that time with me man. I loved it. We were meant to take up belly dancing class but the studio that we looked at kept calling us 2-3 days before the class is meant to start. I mean, come on - that's way too short a notice! Anyway, I will make my rants be known and if they still continue that, it's time to find a different studio.
Men In My Life (1)
To distract myself earlier in August, I had been actively filling up every meal slot and night time activities, shamelessly asking myself out to friends' parties and organising drinks /dinner at the drop of a hat.
That's where I met this guy, we shall just call him Pastry. One of my good guy friends knew I was down and invited me to a house party. Pastry is an exchange student, someone he met from overseas. He's cute in a very boyish way, but that didn't appeal to me. Mainly because I didn't think of it, secondly because he was younger than me and thirdly because well... I was still getting over the ex. We chatted, I got really drunk that night but no, nothing happened. Did my chaffeuring duties (I was sober by that time), went home and thought nothing of it.
Then the same friend invited me again to another house party, and you guessed it - Pastry was there as well. The host proceeded to throw really good shit down our throats and the conversation was flowing. Before we knew it, we were chucked out of the house, only because the host had to leave early for a weekend trip away. Not knowing where to go, and having chaffeuring duties again, I drove my friends home, Pastry being the last of them I sent home.
Now I'm having a fling with a younger man and it's great! Ex-boyfriend? Who's that? *big grin* I'm having a great time with this new guy and it's simple and wonderful. My friends were right - a "Distraction" is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Admittedly, it's a novelty, going out with someone younger than my brother (although my brother has yet to learn of this fact). Judging from Pastry's mature personality, you could never tell. Anyway... I'm just taking this one date at a time. See where it goes, or not. It doesn't matter - that's what flings are about.
*Mental note to self: DO NOT get emotionally attached - he's only the Rebound Guy!*
Men In My Life (2)
This month must be where I have 'boy toy wanted' written on my forehead or something. The younger men are flocking to me. I invited N to one of my performances as I'd caught one of his. We exchanged a few SMSes before, but anyway, the long and short of it is that he came, we chatted, had a few drinks and after that, he propositioned me.
Nice boost to my ego. I can go "Nyah nyah nyah"! I'm still desirable, and to younger men, no less!
I said no to N though. He wasn't my type; not that Pastry is. Thing is, I'd met him at the same party I'd met Pastry, and so they know each other. Also, there's something in me that can't deal with more than 1 guy at a time. I think I'd probably be known as the Serial Monogamist in the parlance of Sex And The City.
So that's that for now. We'll see how things go with Pastry. :) The thing they say about younger men is very true! *grins from ear to ear*
Career, Business & Finances
Looked at my finances and realised shit, I gotta do something - cos I'm broke as hell and owe the banks money. So it's back to the business (I own a home-based business) and my career in the arts.
Career wise, seeing as I did 2 performances, met up with really cool musicians and am on the way to doing a few more, I'm happy but will need greater sustenance in that area. Think I'll call the bars and agents tomorrow. *sigh*
World of Warcraft
This is the main reason why I haven't been blogging. Yes, that's right. I've been spending all my days AND nights playing this MMOPRG (Massive Multi-player Online Role Playing Game to the uninitiated). It's so addictive! I can and have spent 12 hours straight playing WoW. Even now, I'm itching to get back to the game. The only reason why I'm not is because 1. the servers are down for maintenance and well, I felt guilty about neglecting my blog.
If you're reading this and you play WoW, please send tell to Xyleria or Mirye on the Scarlet Crusade server.
Concert & The Ex
Stacy Kent was in Singapore for a concert - and of course I had to go. Her vocals were smooth and her phrasing was impeccable as usual. What really blew me away was her voice control. Amazingly crisp and clean. I want voice control like that.
The fun part was that I found out that my ex was going to be there as well. Naturally I got out my full arsenal - in case he spotted me, he would know exactly what he was missing. Of course, by this time, I'd just gotten involved with Pastry and was on the moon. Even better, being depressed made me eat less. Weight loss + new love interest = I looked superb!
He hadn't seen me, being the blur fuck that he is, but I had spotted him and avoided him like the plague cos I wasn't ready to speak to him yet. (I'm still not ready to speak to him even now). Received a lame ass SMS from him after the concert, which was ambiguous as usual. Suffice to say I responded in a manner to let him know that I wasn't ready to be friends yet.
He's away for the moment; maybe I'll talk to him when he gets back. If I feel like it. We'll see.
In case you're wondering why and haven't read my earlier posts, I'd like to remain friends with my ex. I'm friends with most, if not all of my ex-es.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Doldrums 10 Me 1
It's been a week since my last post and I've been battling the doldrums and blues. So far, depression has scored more than 10 hits on me, and I've only managed 1-2 hits back.
I was hoping that Hong Kong would help me get over him, but the trip only served to remind me of all the things that we used to do and shared and that I missed having (still do). It's been the hardest week of all - I've used up all the "Whys", "Should Haves" and "Could Have Beens" and tortured myself with all these thoughts thru out the week. Just to spread some of it around:
- I should have tried harder to make it work
- I should have accepted the relationship as it is and not try to expect too much
- I'm sorry I didn't appreciate him while he was around
- It could have been so good, why did I rock the boat?
So on and so forth. I have cried everyday this whole week, and my eyes are so sore, they probably need a transplant!
I had a great conversation with Jo (my very good friend from waaay back), and she said the following that helped me to understand all this:
It's a natural grieving period, you're grieving for the end of a good thing. It's like grieving for a loved one who's passed away. It takes time and the emotions will come and go. No one should tell you how you feel and no one can tell you how long you need. You will take as long as you need to get over it. Just let yourself grieve and mourn over what you had. Till you let it all go, you probably won't be able pick up the pieces and move on. If you don't it might come back and bite you a few months or even a year down the road.
Paraphrased, more or less. And that's helped me a lot. Most of my friends are "Forget about him, he's not worth it", "You deserve so much better", "He's not good enough for you". But that doesn't matter cos you still feel what you feel. Obviously, I saw something good in him and we did something for each other or else I would not have gone out with him, much less for 2 years! Dealing with my feelings as something natural, and not feeling like I'm an idiot for feeling the way I do has helped to calm me down. I embrace the emotions, let it take me where I want to go and then when I'm done, just let it go.
Part of it is that I am at a crossroads in life and there's a huge amount of uncertainty right now. Being self-employed, trying to hack it in the music industry, figuring out where my next paycheck is coming from, figuring if this is what I really want - it's not easy at all. He was the one constant that I had and someone or something that I thought I could count on. That it's suddently been taken away, there's this huge void and everything is now uncertain. It's a massive upheaval and adds to the confusion that already is.
One step towards sanity is to get a mundane no-brainer 9-5 job. That's already on the burner and I'm waiting to hear back from the temp agencies. No doubt I'm way overqualified and will be way underpaid but it gets me out of the house, doing something 'constructive' for 8 hours a day and leave me less time to mope and dwell on things.
Getting different perspectives and take on things also helps. Another good piece of advice I got today was this:
You shouldn't have to compromise on what you want. It wouldn't have worked out if either party has to change their fundamentals to remain in the relationship. You can change a person's little habits or try to tolerate things like snoring or watching football, etc. But you can't change the way someone feels about the fundamental things.
Hearing that, and knowing that in all rationality, there is no way that we were ever meant to be the way we are right now, puts me on the right track to get over it. Maybe not tomorrow; I'll probably still be having a few crying spells here and there, but I know it will come. I must remember to learn from this experience as I have from all my previous relationships and bring all this "wisdom" to the next one (which hopefully will be the last and best one). What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
I hope.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Hong Kong
*Warning: long post*
Spent a week in Hong Kong and spent most of my money in the 1st 3 days. Mwahahahaha. Well, you will understand in a minute. Sadly I don't have have any pictures cos I forgot my camera - I have to go look for it. I sincerely hope it's not with him.
Day 1
Arrived and made my way to Ann's apartment. Nice place in the mid-levels. Grotty outside but the inside was spacious and huge. Met up with her husband for lunch. I was lucky to have my friend to myself for the entire week cos her husbans had to go on a business trip. Anyway, spent most of the day just hanging out in the house, and planning what to do for the rest of my time there.
Stayed in, rented 2 movies - A Very Long Engagement (Audrey Tatou and a very cute Josh Hartnett lookalike, except he speaks French which is doubly sexy - woo!) and the fluffy Mean Girls.
Day 2
Went out to Ocean Park for some thrills and spills cos Disneyland isn't open yet. Sad to say, the rides were all pretty boring, except for the one where you drop free fall 20 storeys. I'm not afraid of heights but I am afraid of falling! Managed to keep my eyes open though. Stayed out till 4pm where there were no more decent rides left and went home. We were so tired and probably was very dehydrated cos we had headaches and took an afternoon nap. We were feeling very lazy so instead of going out salsa dancing as planned, we decided to order in and rent 2 more movies - this time we watched the Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou and Vanity Fair. The 1st I didn't get, but I think it was probably supposed to be a parody of Jacques Cousteau and all (sorry Sharon - I still haven't watched Deep Blue!). Vanity Fair was interesting but very sad, cos at the end Rebecca Sharpe lost the man she truly loved for trying to move upwards in society.
Day 3
This is where I went slightly crazy. Ann took me to Pedder Building, and there were 2 shops there that sold labels at factory prices. I got a gorgeous black BCBG dress (probably last season) for only S$100. Insane! In the end, I think I spent like $700 on clothes from the shops. But I did get about 8 pieces so I think it was very worth it (works out to be about $80-90 per piece). Shopped out we decided to... you guessed it - stay home again and watch telly!
Day 4
Cooked lunch and wound up hanging out and chatting in the apartment. It was too hot outside! Air con was definitely needed. I got some more therapy for the break up, apparently I have been supressing my feelings by going out, and other distractions and suddenly talking about it just made all the emotions come out again, so we had to stay at home and deal with it.
We decided to go out that night and check out the scene at Lam Kwai Fong. Walked around trying to decide which bar to go to (there were tons of bars) and I just picked one (Bar George) where I thought there were cuter guys hanging out. Luckily for us, it was ladies night and drinks were free. Unfortunately for us, there were quite a few 'working girls' there and despite the fun music, we didn't quite like the atmosphere and decided to try other bars. Made it to Club 97 where they were playing reggae and danced there for a while. Drank a few more and then decided to call it a night. :) Enough eye candy for the day.
Day 5
Ann was spotted at Lam Kwai Fong the previous night and was asked to go for a casting call for a TV ad (or TVC in the lingo). I also hadn't had proper dim sum, so we made it to the dim sum place at City Hall for some yum cha. That was really the extent of the day. We were being proper bums and lazed at home, cos we had to be home for the other couple coming to stay at Ann's. Watched more movies (The Sweetest Thing & How to Lose a Guy in 10 days). Matthew McConaughey!!! Woo! He looked sooo cute in that movie - I think I have a case of star fever now!
Day 6
Busy day. Had tons of things to do. The highlight of the day was an 'art jamming' session. We bought a canvas and had access to various brushes, tools and oil paints to do our own painting! Brought a couple of beers with me for inspiration and managed a decent piece. It's still drying in HK, but my friends will bring it back the when they come back. Could be better but overall, pretty happy with my first piece. Ann's the artistic one - hers was very very pretty. Met up with Tina, another friend who lives in Discovery Bay. We all heard about it and I finally made it out there. It's like a residential commune, no cars allowed (except for the buses and golf buggies that ferry pple around).
Made it out to dessert in Lam Kwai Fong - the place was pretty busy (it was a Saturday night, what did you expect?) and we spotted some stars at this new bar illy. Gigi Leung and some others. Don't ask me, I'm not up to scratch on my hong kong stars. Hell, even when J-Lo was standing 10 feet away from me in NYC, someone had to point her out before I went, Oh yeah. That IS J-Lo. I'm kinda blind like that.
Last night in HK but everyone was tired so we headed home and did... you guessed it. I insisted on watching another movie cos I wasn't tired. So we took out Honey and watched it. Boy, now we all are really inspired to do hip hop classes. See how long that desire will last. LOL
Day 7
Managed to pack everything in and woke up in time to catch the plane and now I'm back in sunny SG. *sigh* I wish I had longer to spend in HK. I've brought a lot of emotion back up and it's hard to surpress it again with familiar surroundings. I've had a relapse you might say.
More on that later. Need to go out for grandma's birthday dinner now. And that is why I couldn't stay.
Spent a week in Hong Kong and spent most of my money in the 1st 3 days. Mwahahahaha. Well, you will understand in a minute. Sadly I don't have have any pictures cos I forgot my camera - I have to go look for it. I sincerely hope it's not with him.
Day 1
Arrived and made my way to Ann's apartment. Nice place in the mid-levels. Grotty outside but the inside was spacious and huge. Met up with her husband for lunch. I was lucky to have my friend to myself for the entire week cos her husbans had to go on a business trip. Anyway, spent most of the day just hanging out in the house, and planning what to do for the rest of my time there.
Stayed in, rented 2 movies - A Very Long Engagement (Audrey Tatou and a very cute Josh Hartnett lookalike, except he speaks French which is doubly sexy - woo!) and the fluffy Mean Girls.
Day 2
Went out to Ocean Park for some thrills and spills cos Disneyland isn't open yet. Sad to say, the rides were all pretty boring, except for the one where you drop free fall 20 storeys. I'm not afraid of heights but I am afraid of falling! Managed to keep my eyes open though. Stayed out till 4pm where there were no more decent rides left and went home. We were so tired and probably was very dehydrated cos we had headaches and took an afternoon nap. We were feeling very lazy so instead of going out salsa dancing as planned, we decided to order in and rent 2 more movies - this time we watched the Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou and Vanity Fair. The 1st I didn't get, but I think it was probably supposed to be a parody of Jacques Cousteau and all (sorry Sharon - I still haven't watched Deep Blue!). Vanity Fair was interesting but very sad, cos at the end Rebecca Sharpe lost the man she truly loved for trying to move upwards in society.
Day 3
This is where I went slightly crazy. Ann took me to Pedder Building, and there were 2 shops there that sold labels at factory prices. I got a gorgeous black BCBG dress (probably last season) for only S$100. Insane! In the end, I think I spent like $700 on clothes from the shops. But I did get about 8 pieces so I think it was very worth it (works out to be about $80-90 per piece). Shopped out we decided to... you guessed it - stay home again and watch telly!
Day 4
Cooked lunch and wound up hanging out and chatting in the apartment. It was too hot outside! Air con was definitely needed. I got some more therapy for the break up, apparently I have been supressing my feelings by going out, and other distractions and suddenly talking about it just made all the emotions come out again, so we had to stay at home and deal with it.
We decided to go out that night and check out the scene at Lam Kwai Fong. Walked around trying to decide which bar to go to (there were tons of bars) and I just picked one (Bar George) where I thought there were cuter guys hanging out. Luckily for us, it was ladies night and drinks were free. Unfortunately for us, there were quite a few 'working girls' there and despite the fun music, we didn't quite like the atmosphere and decided to try other bars. Made it to Club 97 where they were playing reggae and danced there for a while. Drank a few more and then decided to call it a night. :) Enough eye candy for the day.
Day 5
Ann was spotted at Lam Kwai Fong the previous night and was asked to go for a casting call for a TV ad (or TVC in the lingo). I also hadn't had proper dim sum, so we made it to the dim sum place at City Hall for some yum cha. That was really the extent of the day. We were being proper bums and lazed at home, cos we had to be home for the other couple coming to stay at Ann's. Watched more movies (The Sweetest Thing & How to Lose a Guy in 10 days). Matthew McConaughey!!! Woo! He looked sooo cute in that movie - I think I have a case of star fever now!
Day 6
Busy day. Had tons of things to do. The highlight of the day was an 'art jamming' session. We bought a canvas and had access to various brushes, tools and oil paints to do our own painting! Brought a couple of beers with me for inspiration and managed a decent piece. It's still drying in HK, but my friends will bring it back the when they come back. Could be better but overall, pretty happy with my first piece. Ann's the artistic one - hers was very very pretty. Met up with Tina, another friend who lives in Discovery Bay. We all heard about it and I finally made it out there. It's like a residential commune, no cars allowed (except for the buses and golf buggies that ferry pple around).
Made it out to dessert in Lam Kwai Fong - the place was pretty busy (it was a Saturday night, what did you expect?) and we spotted some stars at this new bar illy. Gigi Leung and some others. Don't ask me, I'm not up to scratch on my hong kong stars. Hell, even when J-Lo was standing 10 feet away from me in NYC, someone had to point her out before I went, Oh yeah. That IS J-Lo. I'm kinda blind like that.
Last night in HK but everyone was tired so we headed home and did... you guessed it. I insisted on watching another movie cos I wasn't tired. So we took out Honey and watched it. Boy, now we all are really inspired to do hip hop classes. See how long that desire will last. LOL
Day 7
Managed to pack everything in and woke up in time to catch the plane and now I'm back in sunny SG. *sigh* I wish I had longer to spend in HK. I've brought a lot of emotion back up and it's hard to surpress it again with familiar surroundings. I've had a relapse you might say.
More on that later. Need to go out for grandma's birthday dinner now. And that is why I couldn't stay.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Road to Recovery
Went out for a girl's night out last night - started out at One Nite Stand, cos my friend said there would be cute guys there and cheesy music (which is always good to dance to). But all we saw were tons of 'working girls' and pot-bellied men looking for a 'good time'.
So off we went to Attica. Now, I normally don't like the place cos it's so poseur-ish and 'I'm so cool it hurts' kind of place. Not that my opinion changed any last night, but the view was definitely much nicer (and younger - woo! I could be tempted to cradle snatch!).
Met a few interesting people during the course of the night, and caught up with an old school friend and had a general good time around. Service was of course bad as usual, and I hate it when they think they're the uber cool place and they can get away with it.
Had a great time meeting others, chatting and during that time I realised that:
1. There ARE other fish in the sea
2. There are some CUTE fishes in the sea
3. Some of the cute fishes actually eyed US up
And all thru that, I didn't think of him one bit. Isn't that grand?
*whistling happy tune*
So yes, I think I'm on the road to recovery!!! Or at the very least, getting there. Recovery plan part 2: going to Hong Kong for a week. So toodles, gotta go pack for the trip now.
So off we went to Attica. Now, I normally don't like the place cos it's so poseur-ish and 'I'm so cool it hurts' kind of place. Not that my opinion changed any last night, but the view was definitely much nicer (and younger - woo! I could be tempted to cradle snatch!).
Met a few interesting people during the course of the night, and caught up with an old school friend and had a general good time around. Service was of course bad as usual, and I hate it when they think they're the uber cool place and they can get away with it.
Had a great time meeting others, chatting and during that time I realised that:
1. There ARE other fish in the sea
2. There are some CUTE fishes in the sea
3. Some of the cute fishes actually eyed US up
And all thru that, I didn't think of him one bit. Isn't that grand?
*whistling happy tune*
So yes, I think I'm on the road to recovery!!! Or at the very least, getting there. Recovery plan part 2: going to Hong Kong for a week. So toodles, gotta go pack for the trip now.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Emotionally Drained = Tired = Good
Yesterday was a good day. Ran around doing errands, was very busy with work and went thru the day without thinking of the breakup or him, and happily fell asleep easily (cos I was so tired!)
Today was pretty good too - went for Pilates trial lesson on the reformer machine - man, my muscles ache now. Also met up with 2 friends to chat about business opportunities (I'm gonna be in the film industry - no, not porno you sickos). Up to the point where I met his aunt, who proceeded to ask me about him and us. Of course I had to tell her that we broke up, which just brought all the emotion up again. I quickly bade her farewell and rushed out to dinner.
I'm so sick and tired of this emotional upheaval whenever I'm reminded of him and our relationship. I wish I can just turn off the tap. I feel so drained but the tears and emotions just flow non-stop.
Why? When I know I'm really better off without him? Am I truly a co-dependent? I don't think so. Yes, it hurts that someone you care about, who used to care and love you doesn't anymore. BUT I know I'm not one of those clingy limpets who cannot live without having someone in their lives. I have my own life that is pretty full with lots of good friends, so why do I turn into this babbling emotional fuck up when I encounter little things like that??? Well, I'm sick of it! I sound like a bloody whingy obsessive fool who has nothing better to do than carp about the damned past and not move on.
Feeling emotionally drained, which makes me tired, which is good, because then I can sleep without brooding further. I'm sick of this. I hope this means I'm getting over it. Fool I was to think that 2 weeks was enough to get over a 2 year relationship that ended so suddenly. I'll see you at the bar.
Today was pretty good too - went for Pilates trial lesson on the reformer machine - man, my muscles ache now. Also met up with 2 friends to chat about business opportunities (I'm gonna be in the film industry - no, not porno you sickos). Up to the point where I met his aunt, who proceeded to ask me about him and us. Of course I had to tell her that we broke up, which just brought all the emotion up again. I quickly bade her farewell and rushed out to dinner.
I'm so sick and tired of this emotional upheaval whenever I'm reminded of him and our relationship. I wish I can just turn off the tap. I feel so drained but the tears and emotions just flow non-stop.
Why? When I know I'm really better off without him? Am I truly a co-dependent? I don't think so. Yes, it hurts that someone you care about, who used to care and love you doesn't anymore. BUT I know I'm not one of those clingy limpets who cannot live without having someone in their lives. I have my own life that is pretty full with lots of good friends, so why do I turn into this babbling emotional fuck up when I encounter little things like that??? Well, I'm sick of it! I sound like a bloody whingy obsessive fool who has nothing better to do than carp about the damned past and not move on.
Feeling emotionally drained, which makes me tired, which is good, because then I can sleep without brooding further. I'm sick of this. I hope this means I'm getting over it. Fool I was to think that 2 weeks was enough to get over a 2 year relationship that ended so suddenly. I'll see you at the bar.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Much needed therapy
I have been miserable over the past 3 days and wrote some really pathetic posts that I won't share with the rest of the world. They were all along the lines of
"I wish we were back together again" or
"I don't wanna lose yooo" or
"I want him baaaack" or
"Why do I hurt so baaad"
In the interests of not making you puke, I shall refrain from said whinges and try to be more coherent.
Some tell me to cry my heart out, let it all out then I will feel better. My question to them is WHEN? I don't feel any better, and it's been over 2 weeks.
Some tell me not to think about it, cos thinking will make it worse, a vicious cycle and it will take more than Zanax or Valium to get you out. Great. Can someone tell me how to shut off my mind then? I know it's rather pathetic, but like I said, when the person has been so into every part of my life, I can't help but be reminded of him everytime, by little things.
For example last night I went out and watched a movie with some friends. Then one of them started talking about how he was looking for a new place to stay and then I'm reminded of him, how he wanted to move out (which he told me) and move in with another female friend of his (which I had to find out from someone else!). It was all I could do to keep from reacting and I did a very rude but self-preserving thing - which was to tune him out and chat to other people. Only finally caved in when driving home, alone. Had to call for backup - so ended up at a local mamak's (coffeshop) for a chat.
In the past 3 nights, I have spent so much time at the local that they probably already know about me and my problems. Luckily none of them came up to me and said stop crying here you stupid bitch you're ruining our business.
I have taken to reading blogs - Rockson's blog is absolutely hilarious and had me ROFL which is good therapy, no need for his horse lah. Another one that keeps me sane is Blinkymummy's blog. If you ever read this post, thank you!!! You're lifesavers - You keep me off drugs (both prescription & non)!!!
Much needed therapy indeed.
"I wish we were back together again" or
"I don't wanna lose yooo" or
"I want him baaaack" or
"Why do I hurt so baaad"
In the interests of not making you puke, I shall refrain from said whinges and try to be more coherent.
Some tell me to cry my heart out, let it all out then I will feel better. My question to them is WHEN? I don't feel any better, and it's been over 2 weeks.
Some tell me not to think about it, cos thinking will make it worse, a vicious cycle and it will take more than Zanax or Valium to get you out. Great. Can someone tell me how to shut off my mind then? I know it's rather pathetic, but like I said, when the person has been so into every part of my life, I can't help but be reminded of him everytime, by little things.
For example last night I went out and watched a movie with some friends. Then one of them started talking about how he was looking for a new place to stay and then I'm reminded of him, how he wanted to move out (which he told me) and move in with another female friend of his (which I had to find out from someone else!). It was all I could do to keep from reacting and I did a very rude but self-preserving thing - which was to tune him out and chat to other people. Only finally caved in when driving home, alone. Had to call for backup - so ended up at a local mamak's (coffeshop) for a chat.
In the past 3 nights, I have spent so much time at the local that they probably already know about me and my problems. Luckily none of them came up to me and said stop crying here you stupid bitch you're ruining our business.
I have taken to reading blogs - Rockson's blog is absolutely hilarious and had me ROFL which is good therapy, no need for his horse lah. Another one that keeps me sane is Blinkymummy's blog. If you ever read this post, thank you!!! You're lifesavers - You keep me off drugs (both prescription & non)!!!
Much needed therapy indeed.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Half Gifts
I just have to share the lyrics of this beautiful song from one of my favourite bands Cocteau Twins. The lyrics sum up my feelings about the breakup and my whole situation right now; the music is completely therapeutic and soothing. The whole album Milk & Kisses is my bedtime lullaby.
Half Gifts
It's an old game, my love
When you can't have me, you want me
Because you know that you're not risking anything
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
Well I'm still a junkie for it
It takes me out of my aloneness
But this relationship cannot sustain itself
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
I just have to know
How to be in the process
Of creating things in a better way
And it hurts, but it's a lie
That I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill
I still have a life and it's a rich one
Even with mourning, even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature
And to my dreams for myself
I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me
Half Gifts
It's an old game, my love
When you can't have me, you want me
Because you know that you're not risking anything
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
Well I'm still a junkie for it
It takes me out of my aloneness
But this relationship cannot sustain itself
Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are
That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking
I just have to know
How to be in the process
Of creating things in a better way
And it hurts, but it's a lie
That I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill
I still have a life and it's a rich one
Even with mourning, even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature
And to my dreams for myself
I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me
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