Doldrums 10 Me 1

It's been a week since my last post and I've been battling the doldrums and blues. So far, depression has scored more than 10 hits on me, and I've only managed 1-2 hits back.

I was hoping that Hong Kong would help me get over him, but the trip only served to remind me of all the things that we used to do and shared and that I missed having (still do). It's been the hardest week of all - I've used up all the "Whys", "Should Haves" and "Could Have Beens" and tortured myself with all these thoughts thru out the week. Just to spread some of it around:

• I should have tried harder to make it work
• I should have accepted the relationship as it is and not try to expect too much
• I'm sorry I didn't appreciate him while he was around
• It could have been so good, why did I rock the boat?

So on and so forth. I have cried everyday this whole week, and my eyes are so sore, they probably need a transplant!

I had a great conversation with Jo (my very good friend from waaay back), and she said the following that helped me to understand all this:
It's a natural grieving period, you're grieving for the end of a good thing. It's like grieving for a loved one who's passed away. It takes time and the emotions will come and go. No one should tell you how you feel and no one can tell you how long you need. You will take as long as you need to get over it. Just let yourself grieve and mourn over what you had. Till you let it all go, you probably won't be able pick up the pieces and move on. If you don't it might come back and bite you a few months or even a year down the road.

Paraphrased, more or less. And that's helped me a lot. Most of my friends are "Forget about him, he's not worth it", "You deserve so much better", "He's not good enough for you". But that doesn't matter cos you still feel what you feel. Obviously, I saw something good in him and we did something for each other or else I would not have gone out with him, much less for 2 years! Dealing with my feelings as something natural, and not feeling like I'm an idiot for feeling the way I do has helped to calm me down. I embrace the emotions, let it take me where I want to go and then when I'm done, just let it go.

Part of it is that I am at a crossroads in life and there's a huge amount of uncertainty right now. Being self-employed, trying to hack it in the music industry, figuring out where my next paycheck is coming from, figuring if this is what I really want - it's not easy at all. He was the one constant that I had and someone or something that I thought I could count on. That it's suddently been taken away, there's this huge void and everything is now uncertain. It's a massive upheaval and adds to the confusion that already is.

One step towards sanity is to get a mundane no-brainer 9-5 job. That's already on the burner and I'm waiting to hear back from the temp agencies. No doubt I'm way overqualified and will be way underpaid but it gets me out of the house, doing something 'constructive' for 8 hours a day and leave me less time to mope and dwell on things.

Getting different perspectives and take on things also helps. Another good piece of advice I got today was this:
You shouldn't have to compromise on what you want. It wouldn't have worked out if either party has to change their fundamentals to remain in the relationship. You can change a person's little habits or try to tolerate things like snoring or watching football, etc. But you can't change the way someone feels about the fundamental things.

Hearing that, and knowing that in all rationality, there is no way that we were ever meant to be the way we are right now, puts me on the right track to get over it. Maybe not tomorrow; I'll probably still be having a few crying spells here and there, but I know it will come. I must remember to learn from this experience as I have from all my previous relationships and bring all this "wisdom" to the next one (which hopefully will be the last and best one). What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.

I hope.

Hong Kong

*Warning: long post*

Spent a week in Hong Kong and spent most of my money in the 1st 3 days. Mwahahahaha. Well, you will understand in a minute. Sadly I don't have have any pictures cos I forgot my camera - I have to go look for it. I sincerely hope it's not with him.

Day 1
Arrived and made my way to Ann's apartment. Nice place in the mid-levels. Grotty outside but the inside was spacious and huge. Met up with her husband for lunch. I was lucky to have my friend to myself for the entire week cos her husbans had to go on a business trip. Anyway, spent most of the day just hanging out in the house, and planning what to do for the rest of my time there.

Stayed in, rented 2 movies - A Very Long Engagement (Audrey Tatou and a very cute Josh Hartnett lookalike, except he speaks French which is doubly sexy - woo!) and the fluffy Mean Girls.

Day 2
Went out to Ocean Park for some thrills and spills cos Disneyland isn't open yet. Sad to say, the rides were all pretty boring, except for the one where you drop free fall 20 storeys. I'm not afraid of heights but I am afraid of falling! Managed to keep my eyes open though. Stayed out till 4pm where there were no more decent rides left and went home. We were so tired and probably was very dehydrated cos we had headaches and took an afternoon nap. We were feeling very lazy so instead of going out salsa dancing as planned, we decided to order in and rent 2 more movies - this time we watched the Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou and Vanity Fair. The 1st I didn't get, but I think it was probably supposed to be a parody of Jacques Cousteau and all (sorry Sharon - I still haven't watched Deep Blue!). Vanity Fair was interesting but very sad, cos at the end Rebecca Sharpe lost the man she truly loved for trying to move upwards in society.

Day 3
This is where I went slightly crazy. Ann took me to Pedder Building, and there were 2 shops there that sold labels at factory prices. I got a gorgeous black BCBG dress (probably last season) for only S$100. Insane! In the end, I think I spent like $700 on clothes from the shops. But I did get about 8 pieces so I think it was very worth it (works out to be about $80-90 per piece). Shopped out we decided to... you guessed it - stay home again and watch telly!

Day 4
Cooked lunch and wound up hanging out and chatting in the apartment. It was too hot outside! Air con was definitely needed. I got some more therapy for the break up, apparently I have been supressing my feelings by going out, and other distractions and suddenly talking about it just made all the emotions come out again, so we had to stay at home and deal with it.

We decided to go out that night and check out the scene at Lam Kwai Fong. Walked around trying to decide which bar to go to (there were tons of bars) and I just picked one (Bar George) where I thought there were cuter guys hanging out. Luckily for us, it was ladies night and drinks were free. Unfortunately for us, there were quite a few 'working girls' there and despite the fun music, we didn't quite like the atmosphere and decided to try other bars. Made it to Club 97 where they were playing reggae and danced there for a while. Drank a few more and then decided to call it a night. :) Enough eye candy for the day.

Day 5
Ann was spotted at Lam Kwai Fong the previous night and was asked to go for a casting call for a TV ad (or TVC in the lingo). I also hadn't had proper dim sum, so we made it to the dim sum place at City Hall for some yum cha. That was really the extent of the day. We were being proper bums and lazed at home, cos we had to be home for the other couple coming to stay at Ann's. Watched more movies (The Sweetest Thing & How to Lose a Guy in 10 days). Matthew McConaughey!!! Woo! He looked sooo cute in that movie - I think I have a case of star fever now!

Day 6
Busy day. Had tons of things to do. The highlight of the day was an 'art jamming' session. We bought a canvas and had access to various brushes, tools and oil paints to do our own painting! Brought a couple of beers with me for inspiration and managed a decent piece. It's still drying in HK, but my friends will bring it back the when they come back. Could be better but overall, pretty happy with my first piece. Ann's the artistic one - hers was very very pretty. Met up with Tina, another friend who lives in Discovery Bay. We all heard about it and I finally made it out there. It's like a residential commune, no cars allowed (except for the buses and golf buggies that ferry pple around).

Made it out to dessert in Lam Kwai Fong - the place was pretty busy (it was a Saturday night, what did you expect?) and we spotted some stars at this new bar illy. Gigi Leung and some others. Don't ask me, I'm not up to scratch on my hong kong stars. Hell, even when J-Lo was standing 10 feet away from me in NYC, someone had to point her out before I went, Oh yeah. That IS J-Lo. I'm kinda blind like that.

Last night in HK but everyone was tired so we headed home and did... you guessed it. I insisted on watching another movie cos I wasn't tired. So we took out Honey and watched it. Boy, now we all are really inspired to do hip hop classes. See how long that desire will last. LOL

Day 7
Managed to pack everything in and woke up in time to catch the plane and now I'm back in sunny SG. *sigh* I wish I had longer to spend in HK. I've brought a lot of emotion back up and it's hard to surpress it again with familiar surroundings. I've had a relapse you might say.

More on that later. Need to go out for grandma's birthday dinner now. And that is why I couldn't stay.

Road to Recovery

Went out for a girl's night out last night - started out at One Nite Stand, cos my friend said there would be cute guys there and cheesy music (which is always good to dance to). But all we saw were tons of 'working girls' and pot-bellied men looking for a 'good time'.

So off we went to Attica. Now, I normally don't like the place cos it's so poseur-ish and 'I'm so cool it hurts' kind of place. Not that my opinion changed any last night, but the view was definitely much nicer (and younger - woo! I could be tempted to cradle snatch!).

Met a few interesting people during the course of the night, and caught up with an old school friend and had a general good time around. Service was of course bad as usual, and I hate it when they think they're the uber cool place and they can get away with it.

Had a great time meeting others, chatting and during that time I realised that:
1. There ARE other fish in the sea
2. There are some CUTE fishes in the sea
3. Some of the cute fishes actually eyed US up

And all thru that, I didn't think of him one bit. Isn't that grand?

*whistling happy tune*

So yes, I think I'm on the road to recovery!!! Or at the very least, getting there. Recovery plan part 2: going to Hong Kong for a week. So toodles, gotta go pack for the trip now.

Emotionally Drained = Tired = Good

Yesterday was a good day. Ran around doing errands, was very busy with work and went thru the day without thinking of the breakup or him, and happily fell asleep easily (cos I was so tired!)

Today was pretty good too - went for Pilates trial lesson on the reformer machine - man, my muscles ache now. Also met up with 2 friends to chat about business opportunities (I'm gonna be in the film industry - no, not porno you sickos). Up to the point where I met his aunt, who proceeded to ask me about him and us. Of course I had to tell her that we broke up, which just brought all the emotion up again. I quickly bade her farewell and rushed out to dinner.

I'm so sick and tired of this emotional upheaval whenever I'm reminded of him and our relationship. I wish I can just turn off the tap. I feel so drained but the tears and emotions just flow non-stop.

Why? When I know I'm really better off without him? Am I truly a co-dependent? I don't think so. Yes, it hurts that someone you care about, who used to care and love you doesn't anymore. BUT I know I'm not one of those clingy limpets who cannot live without having someone in their lives. I have my own life that is pretty full with lots of good friends, so why do I turn into this babbling emotional fuck up when I encounter little things like that??? Well, I'm sick of it! I sound like a bloody whingy obsessive fool who has nothing better to do than carp about the damned past and not move on.

Feeling emotionally drained, which makes me tired, which is good, because then I can sleep without brooding further. I'm sick of this. I hope this means I'm getting over it. Fool I was to think that 2 weeks was enough to get over a 2 year relationship that ended so suddenly. I'll see you at the bar.

Much needed therapy

I have been miserable over the past 3 days and wrote some really pathetic posts that I won't share with the rest of the world. They were all along the lines of
"I wish we were back together again" or
"I don't wanna lose yooo" or
"I want him baaaack" or
"Why do I hurt so baaad"

In the interests of not making you puke, I shall refrain from said whinges and try to be more coherent.

Some tell me to cry my heart out, let it all out then I will feel better. My question to them is WHEN? I don't feel any better, and it's been over 2 weeks.

Some tell me not to think about it, cos thinking will make it worse, a vicious cycle and it will take more than Zanax or Valium to get you out. Great. Can someone tell me how to shut off my mind then? I know it's rather pathetic, but like I said, when the person has been so into every part of my life, I can't help but be reminded of him everytime, by little things.

For example last night I went out and watched a movie with some friends. Then one of them started talking about how he was looking for a new place to stay and then I'm reminded of him, how he wanted to move out (which he told me) and move in with another female friend of his (which I had to find out from someone else!). It was all I could do to keep from reacting and I did a very rude but self-preserving thing - which was to tune him out and chat to other people. Only finally caved in when driving home, alone. Had to call for backup - so ended up at a local mamak's (coffeshop) for a chat.

In the past 3 nights, I have spent so much time at the local that they probably already know about me and my problems. Luckily none of them came up to me and said stop crying here you stupid bitch you're ruining our business.

I have taken to reading blogs - Rockson's blog is absolutely hilarious and had me ROFL which is good therapy, no need for his horse lah. Another one that keeps me sane is Blinkymummy's blog. If you ever read this post, thank you!!! You're lifesavers - You keep me off drugs (both prescription & non)!!!

Much needed therapy indeed.

Half Gifts

I just have to share the lyrics of this beautiful song from one of my favourite bands Cocteau Twins. The lyrics sum up my feelings about the breakup and my whole situation right now; the music is completely therapeutic and soothing. The whole album Milk & Kisses is my bedtime lullaby.

Half Gifts
It's an old game, my love
When you can't have me, you want me
Because you know that you're not risking anything

Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are

That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking

Well I'm still a junkie for it
It takes me out of my aloneness
But this relationship cannot sustain itself

Intimacy is when we're in the same place at the same time
Dealing honestly with how we feel
And who we really are

That's what grownups do
That is mature thinking

I just have to know
How to be in the process
Of creating things in a better way

And it hurts, but it's a lie
That I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill

I still have a life and it's a rich one
Even with mourning, even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature
And to my dreams for myself

I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me

Nutcase admirer?

I was walking around the train station today, looking for the cafe where my friends were waiting. Because I normally drive, I hadn't seen the new mall they put in, and was rather lost.

When I was looking around, this guy approached me and asked me for directions to an office block in the area. I'd just come from there, so I was able to give him some directions.

Then 'cause I figured he might have seen the cafe where I'm supposed to meet my friends, I asked if he knew where it was. He shrugged, pointed in the direction I was going and said he might have seen it there. All of a sudden, he started introducing himself and I thought, 'Hmm. What is he after? Some sales guy maybe?'

I was completely shocked when he asked for my number. The look on my face must have been pretty revealing and he quickly assured me he wasn't an insurance salesperson or anything like that. Because he looked like he was trying to market something and also 'cause I was late, I decided to give him my number to get rid of him quickly. Stupidly, I didn't think and gave him my REAL number.

About half an hour later, I got an SMS asking if I'd found the place I was looking for. I naturally ignored it. Now I'm wondering, good god, could he be some evangelist lying in wait for people to save?

Later that afternoon, I received no less than 3 calls from him. Then finally, a couple more SMSes, none too subtle, asking if I'm out meeting my boyfriend. This from a complete stranger. Complete nutter more like.

I mean, yes I did wish for men to date, but not the damned psychos (or to be more accurate, the socially inept)! The way he asked for my number was so abrupt I really didn't think he was trying to pick me up - in a train station at 4pm. Man, I'd better start qualifying my wishes.

You'll be glad to know that I lied and told him I'd just finished dinner with my boyfriend. Hopefully, that's the end of that.

Affirmation

Well, the news is out, I'm doing the rounds - telling all my friends that I've split up with my boyfriend and that I'm in the market again (believe me, it sure feels like a meat market out there sometimes).

The best thing is - almost all my friends tell me that we're totally different and not meant to be. In fact, even his friends say that I'm better off, we didn't suit, and that now I can find someone else who deserves me. Sweet! That just feels sooo great!

Now... just to have enough faith to get me thru the next day!

On a more positive note

Went out clubbing Sat night and while the view there was not great at all, the band was pretty good, and we stayed there for a bit of boogie-ing and fun. By the end of our night, we had picked up a couple of guys who bought us drinks and one of them (who was fairly cute, but not my type at all) asked me out for a date. At least I know I still got it. :)

Must remember not to make the same mistake again - don't go out with someone you're not that attracted to! Dates are okay I think, but nothing serious! Even then, I need to have my standards in place already. Hmm. Something to think about anyway!

Alone with my thoughts

As I'm writing this, I'm feeling pretty lonely and depressed.

First contact came on Friday, with an SMS from him to see how I was. How could I tell him that I still miss him? Of course I couldn't. Not that and still have my pride. So I just made some moue about being busy. I also made sure that all my days and nights were filled with activity, and as long as I didn't think about it, things were perfectly fine.

So long as I drink and make merry, come back home tired and exhausted, I can simply flop onto my bed and sleep through till I go thru the next activity filled day. When I go out with friends I can forget about our relationship, and enjoy the moment and genuinely have fun.

But when I have a spare moment, or when I think about things, I wish we were still together. I sometimes have foolish hopes that he would want me back and how he would change because he loves me, but knowing it's foolish doesn't stop me from thinking that. Knowing that we would still feel the same, be the same people and eventually come to the same ending.

Even though I know this is probably for the better since we both so want different things out of life, I miss having someone close, I miss sharing little bits of my day with him. I miss hugging him, I miss lying close to him, I miss the comfort of knowing he's there, and most of all, I miss my best friend.

And there's no way that we can go back to the way we were. Not for a while at least. Even now, when I see something funny, my instinctive reaction is to think of how he would find that funny too, or when I remember something, I almost reach for my phone to tell him, but I can't. For now, I reallly wouldn't know how to act, behave and react if we were to meet again. Whenever I go to the places that we used to go to, I find myself keeping a watch out for him; I'm not even sure if I want to avoid him or if I want to see him. I don't even think I will be able to speak to him over the phone without some waterworks on my end. I would so very much like to be good friends, but I'm afraid I'm rather weak.

He's gotten into almost every part of my life that everything I have reminds me of what we had. My air-conditioner, my shelves, my computers, my sunglasses - everything! As much as I would love to get rid of them, I kinda need them. And it's a bit hard to rip out your air-conditioner and put in a new one just cause.

I know I should try to keep busy and so far, I've managed to do some of that. But I haven't been able to really concentrate and do what I know I need to do - e.g. concentrate on my career and my business. I know I need to get away, if just for a while. And I'm making plans to do that, but that's still about 2 weeks away. It's only been a week; getting through the next 2 weeks is going to be tough. Help me get through it please.

Top 5 break up songs

One tip on surviving the break up: listen to the most depressive songs you can think of. Wallow in it and listen till you can't cry anymore. After that, you're cured. And if you think about it, your case is not so bad is it? :) Here are my top 5 picks.

1. Out of Reach (Gabrielle)
2. Love Ridden (Fiona Apple)
3. Let Me Let Go (Faith Hill)
4. Do What You Have To Do (Sarah McLachlan)
5. I Can't Make You Love Me (Bonnie Raitt)

Back to Singleton state

What can I say? After 2 years (or so) of coupledom, I'm back to being a singleton. I'm sure Bridge Jones would have said - Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn!

Not that there's anything wrong in being single. I'm happy to be free, and very glad that I didn't 'settle' for second best. And I sure am thankful I didn't find this out 3 years down the road, or when we had kids. It could always be worse - that's my consolation right now.

But 2 years of giving of yourself and letting someone completely into your life - to share intimate details and the mundane-ness of everyday life; there's an immediate vacuum that you just can't help but feel. The loneliness, the feeling that someone special was there for you, someone you could count on.

Not anymore. And that hurts.

I suppose one shouldn't torture oneself over whether he/she really loved you (duh, it should pretty obvious?!) and I don't regret the time I spent over the past 2 years. It's just difficult to let go. Suitable period to mourn and wallow - that's what I'll allow myself to do.

I'm sad that it's over, but I have to remember that my self-esteem is NOT (and never will be) tied to being in a relationship. In the words of one of the Cocteau Twins:

I have my friends, my family
I have myself, I still have me